Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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Feeling a wreck today!

sunnyjax
sunnyjax
These last few days, Im a mess. Im feeling scared and Im jumpy and shouting at my H all the time. Like Im trying to get him to dump me. I am feeling weepy and just out of control. I feel like hiding today, can't face anyone. want to curl up in a corner and hide. One minute Im desperately down thinking I am such an awful horrible person I should die, the next Im ok. Im just all over the place. Im beginning to think I might be bipolar or something. It can't all be down to my child abuse and PTSD surely - why do I keep having these same issues?

My H is confusing me. I am picking on him, and this makes me feel awful about myself. Im such a horrible person to do this to him - wheres my patience and tolerance? He's hard of hearing so I have to repeat myself all the time. Its so frustrating. Last night I lost it with him as he had started watching a movie without waiting for me. I called him a selfish horrible person who's so self absorbed. I lost it. He went off, tipped the coffee table over in a rage and went upstairs calling me a crazy person. He is so thoughtless, he does the most thoughtless and selfish things which makes me feel so lonely. But I think this is my issues, he's just a guy. How can I be so horrible to him> Even if I don't love him I should at least be pleasant and respectful….but Im snarling all the time.
So Im not a happy bunny.

I was better when I was having therapy. I just feel like Im spinning out of control.
x
kuhu
kuhu
Relax dear!!!! It happens. Actually you perhaps are reacting to something else but superficially you are reacting to something else. Please share your thought process....not just thoughts. It will make you feel much better.
I particularly remember one incident...I was quiet....so was my bf.....and he said say something. I just got so wild over a period of time...I do all the talking...you never ever tell what is going on in your mind. But I didn't say all this. I was just angry....you treat me like a puppet to entertain yourself...to use me for sex.....and blah blah blah. Then he asked...what is the trigger here....we were having such a lovely evening why spoil it. Deep down I knew I am getting angry because he is not discussing how his divorce case is progressing. The good me didn't want to ask for explanations...but I wanted to know....and I wanted him to speak about it.
Go deeper and see what is not happening your way that is disturbing you. Try to understand the process which takes you there....to that point.
Take care....
lucidak
lucidak
Sending you a big hug Sunny. I think Kuhu is right. This is about something else. This is what I did in the last weeks of my relationship. I had made a promise not to leave him and I kept that to the end. But I provoked him by being deliberately cruel and mean to get him to dump me. None of this was clear while I was doing it. Just felt like you did in crying all the time and feeling up and down. The last week, I didn't even want to get out to my PJs when he came over.

Be gentle with yourself and find a friend you can spend time with if you can. You are in crisis and your body and mind are doing everything it can to tell you so..Take Care and please message if you want to chat.

Much love
sunnyjax
sunnyjax
Thanx for the replies. Interesting. Not sure how to begin to figure it out...where do I start!? Xx
lucidak
lucidak
I found distance helped. I checked myself into a Women's Retreat in May after coming back from the England trip which I have written to you about. The three days there really helped me get in touch with myself. I didn't do any hard or deliberate thinking. Just slept lots, eat meals someone prepared for me and stayed close to the sea which always seems to energise me and when I felt up to it read lots of motivating books. Main one was Louise Hay's The Power is Within You. I came back a different person and while we stayed together for another 4 months, I started doing things as if the relationship wouldn't continue long term. I stopped booking far off events, postponed a trip to take my spare bed to his house and basically built up my life towards being single soon. Not at a conscious level, but almost subconsciously aware that things were on the decline. When I did leave I was a much stronger person for it.

I am not saying you are heading towards a breakup, but you need to remove energetically from his energy and go somewhere you can recharge yourself because when you are fully in yourself you will be a lot clearer about what you need to do next..

Much love.
artgrrl
artgrrl
Big hug to you Sunny. I remember a while back you were talking about how as you learned more about the past it really rattled you and you felt confused about a lot of stuff, apart, like he was someone else than who he actually is. I, too, have found that I've transferred my feelings about some things that are just too volatile to touch upon--that could open a can of worms too big to sort through---and instead reacted to stuff that is actually unrelated. Whatever the case I've been thinking of you. Take care sweetie. xo
sunnyjax
sunnyjax
hmmm girls, thanks for those comments.
I have been thinking about it all.

All I can think of is that I am angry with him. Angry because he isn't who he led me to believe he was. Angry with him because he isn't sorry for his affairs with his past wives. Angry with myself for not seeing that!
Angry with him because even though he knows I am a rape surviver he is insensitive and sometimes hurts me during sex. Angry that I freeze up. Angry that I can't talk to him.
I guess Im angry and scared in equal measure.
Gawd what a mess.
When he kisses me it triggers me back to my abuse., its his stubble. If I tel him this he won't come near me, taking it as an insult.
x
kuhu
kuhu
See. ....you are angry on way too many issues with him. Now try to separate reasons of anger/ main route of anger into present pertaining or his past pertaining or your past pertaining. Like you have no control on your past he too doesn't have that control. Plz try focusing on anger about present issues. Just don't mess up your thinking. You are awesome and you and everyone around you deserves that awesomeness. Life is simpler than we think. Take care.
sunnyjax
sunnyjax
Im more angry with myself than him.
Well, angry because I let him derail me from my path…I let him, I wanted him to. I let myself down. I was in the middle of a degree and had plans for a new career, then I dropped it all for him!!! I also moved away from my children which I will never forgive myself for. I had it all sussed and I caved in when he came along and said he would take care of me. I was weak and I was tired.

My heads a mess.
Its spaghetti of tangled feelings….I can't unravel.
x