He said, "Congratulations for becoming an expert in breaking my heart" which really upset me.

Woah! That sounds seriously manipulative. He's trying to push your buttons. And to all appearances succeeding. Don't bite.

There is no reason you should EVER feel guilty about growing or seeing new possibilities. You might want to examine that idea. Because it sounds like he's playing into your own need not to grow.

(Sorry -- I should say, not "need not to grow" but perhaps "fear of growing"...)

"Because it sounds like he's playing into your own need not to grow."

:D

Thanks, I get it! It is a good thing for me to grow!

Yeah and I'm not responsible to his response to our relationship failing. I ran to find safety and healing and growth and I'm trying to take responsibility for my own brokenness and healing and he's choosing to deny his behavior has anything to do with things not working and continuing to indulge himself and running to drinking and partying and women. If he feels empty and runs to things that can't fulfill him is that my fault?

I still feel guilty. :( Not as much, thanks, TokyoRose your response helped. I just have some lingering guilt and I feel like I need to find out what that's all about. Because you know how a lot of the women in the book were not able to sustain intimacy when their partners got healthier? I'm not sure I would be able to with him, either, if he were to get healthy. I'm not sure to what extent I'm broken that way so I always feel guilt like I'm leading him on a wild goose chase and maybe he's right that I'm "bad" that way. Evil? Heartbreaker? I've heard that before from men whom I was sure THEY were the unavailable ones. So what's my piece? I'm just going to keep on working on getting healed and developing my faith so I don't feel all alone in the universe. Then maybe I will see what is my part.

There may be some truth in what they say -- you may be unavailable and they may have sensed this. NOTWITHSTANDING, my feeling is that their motives for pointing this out are not for your benefit, but for theirs!!! It just sounds manipulative.

I think focusing on getting healthy comes first, and letting intimacy take care of itself.

Diana it sounds like deflection....If your xbf is projecting his feelings onto you then that is manipulation. Maybe he is the expert at breaking his own heart by not taking responsibility for his part in the breakdown of your relationship. We can not be responsible for the way someone deals with difficult situations that is down to them. Again he is projecting his guilt onto you. As you rightly point out it is your responsibility to deal with your own healing and growth....

I have to admit that healthier guys scared me too. I dont think I felt like I was good enough for them. So instead of dating guys I wanted I dated guys I felt safe with. In the future I will date healthy safe guys but first I have to feel worthy.