Well I would say that maybe you should just face your fear head on and go on a few dates. However, I would say stay away from internet dating sites because they are full of emotionally unavailable men that are just trying to date as many women as possible. Also don't go out there expecting to find "The One" right away. You may have some bad dates, but take it all as a learning experience, and use what you've been working on during your time of healing.
I understand where you are coming from, my ex was such a liar I'm not sure if I can ever trust a man again. So for now I am still not dating. Don't beat yourself up if you aren't ready, you must go at your own pace and no one elses!

Just read this in a book and copied it for you.

"Dateing is an opportunity to do some careful investigating that will help you decide whether or not a particular man has long term potential, short term potential or no potential at all. A smart woman knows that few women use dateing to their advantage. Either they are so disintersted that they never give the guy a chance, or they are so attracted that their sense of judgement flies out the window.
A smart woman nows that dateing requires caution, judgement, and common sense: she knows she shouldnt be too quick to reject a man just because there is no immediate chemistry. Sometimes she needs to know him better, and the chemistry can change. A smart woman also knows that she should never be so blinded by lust that she fails to pau attention to the following:
-his attitude towards women in general
-his attitude towards money
-his attitude towards his family
-his attitude towards his carreer
-his attitude towards his car
-his attitude towards your career
-his ability to share
-his ability to play fair
-his ability to laugh
-his ability not to take himself too seriously
-his ability to take himself seriously enough
-his additions (drink, drugs, smoking etc)
-his potential aversions(your pets, religion, friends etc)
-his politics
-his values
-his neurosses
- his history with women
Dateing is something you do to find out whether you want to get involved with a man... so take your time.

I am sure you are worth alot so take you time do not settle , be sure , and save yourself alot of heart ache, Ask how much do you like him, not how mch does he like you.

dont know if this helps.... vicki

I appreciate both of these posts. After reading them I realize I don't know much about dating. And after I think about it, I wonder if I've ever really been on a date before? LOL. Thanks for your help.

There's actually an idiot's guide to dating that I read when I got out of my first relationship of 7 yrs. It is pretty good actually.

I relate to EVERYTHING you said and could have wrote your post myself. I have been out of my latest abusive relationship (3 abusive relationships total) for 4 months. I went back several times of course. Can't believe I ever put up with it, let alone gave him more opportunities to abuse me further. I have MAJOR fear of abandonment issues and serious boundaries issues (I really have no boundaries to speak of).

All 3 of my exes were abusive and completely emotionally unavailable, none were capable of giving or receiving love and have never loved anyone in their lives. They were all narcissists and one was an actual psychopath. They were all sex addicts as well, the last 2 really serious (one being a registered sex offender -didn't find out till after I left him). Had to get a restraining against the psychopath. He is very dangerous and obsessively stalked me w/ a gun for about a year and a half. He was arrested.

I have been working really hard on me now. Learning about codependency, love addiction, sex addiction, fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, etc. My issues as well as my ex's to figure all this out. I finally got a handle on what happened and why. Just working on fixing me now so that it doesn't happen again. I am able to spot the red flags now and have already walked away from 2 emotionally unavailable men before getting involved.

I still haven't been attracted to any healthy men yet though. I'm not ready to date anyway, I have a long way to go on my recovery, and like you, I'm scared to death of dating and just men in general at this point. I don't know how or if I can ever trust another man again. I have a lot of trauma to still deal with and process. Maybe you really aren't ready to start dating yet, maybe the fear is an indication of that?

I definitely agree with ipearl, stay away from dating sites. There is a heavier concentration of nutjobs, emotionally unavailable, and abusive weirdos on those sites (2 of my exes, including the psychopath, use them). It's bad enough weeding through the general population. Predators see internet dating sites as easy hunting grounds.

Good luck...and PAY ATTENTION TO RED FLAGS... if he's showering you with gifts nonstop, can't seem to be away from you, talks about marriage right away, has been married lots of times, no gaps between relationships, jumps from one to the next, or has been single for several years, talks bad about his exes, feels sorry for himself, doesn't show up on time, stands you up, huge porn collection, goes to strip clubs, etc.

Thank You, Agent Smith, I think I will try the idiot's guide to dating. And I am also considering that I am not ready yet. I read another one of your posts about another way to spot them-if they are not interested in getting to know you or be friends. This is really good advice for everyone!!

even though it feels wrong to not want to date right now, its good, because before thats exactly what you were used to, one loser after another. its good you dont want to. and its OKAY to not date. and take as much time as you need, even if you feel lonely or unhealthy, it is part of the process. date YOURSELF. get to know YOU again. take yourself out to lobster dinner. have casual friends.

I feel like I have flipped to the love avoidant (for anyone who's read Facing Love Addiction). I used to be the clinger who fell for the avoidant men. But after what I went through with my last ex, I feel my fear of intimacy is the more predominant fear now, rather than the fear of abandonment like it used to be. As soon as I start to get interested in a guy, I freak out now. I am so afraid they will turn out to be the exact opposite of who they claim/pretend to be and I won't find out until it's too late like I did w/ my ex. The way my ex played me is just unimaginable and I can't believe that there are people who are capable of such evil. And if there's one of them, there's most certainly 2 or more. So I'm afraid it'll happen again.

You know, i did that too for a while. then when i decided to start dating i OVER analyzed everything and anything i felt, trying to force myself to be with a nice guy. its hard to find a medium. it ended badly, because i settled. i didnt know i was settling. i thought, nice guy, good job. so on and so forth. i forget to mention that he was an IDIOT and totally not worth ME. but i settled for the "nice guy" and when i would get irritated at him, i told myself it was because i wasnt used to a nice guy. wrong. there is a flip side. its a thin line to walk. and it is possible to become the "love avoidant" as well. just take time to yourself. time is a funny thing, cause we make goals of where we want to be at this age and that age, and time limits on what we want to accomplish, even in love. and it makes us live life in a rush. but really, there is all the time in the world. and the only thing you have to worry about is today. there is no tomarrow, no yesterday, just today, and today is a good place to start loving yourself. for the first time in my life, i ENJOY my own company.
i dont NEED anyone else. ive been through hell to get here, abandoned and left for dust, with a baby on the way, finally, i am the ME i knew deep inside. finally, i feel confident in myself, in spite of my flaws. and last, i love me. i dont want to be anyone else. and i wont comprimise again.

That's what I do, I over analyze the hell out of them. And then I can't decide if I'm over analyzing (worrying over nothing) or if there are actually red flags. And ALL 3 of my exes have been total losers. I was so far out of their league but I settled for them. And I think I finally realized why that is. When I find a man who's got himself together, a good, successful man, I don't feel worthy and I don't even try to get to know them. I didn't see this happening before and just never noticed them. I thought I just had really bad luck or all men sucked. But now I realize I've actually been avoiding the good ones because of my low self esteem. I have this list of what I want in a man but I was always making exceptions for the men that didn't live up to what I deserved and wanted.

I understand what you mean about becoming the love avoidant. The FEAR I have about getting hurt again. It makes me never want to be in a relationship again. And truth be told, I think I have been the love avoidant in some of my past relationships. My very first ever relationship, was with an ass clown. So after that ended, which I ruminated over for about 3 years, I wasn't really interested in being connected to another man. I was going to show him or them, whatever. I aso believe now, that I have not treated some "nice guys" very well. I think I was just immature and not very responsible. But it leaves me confused when I think about all this. I never had a good role model about what a real relationship looked like or was. Somehow I do feel different about myself now. I like myself. I do nice things for myself. I am a safer person. I am connected to myself- my actions match my words. I guess this all goes back to the saying, "If you don't love yourself, you can't love someone else."

see, you get past those points. i wasnt afraid of being hurt again really, i based my accepting my last relationship on, i could handle it if i got hurt. i was ready if worse came to worse. see if i can explain.
this guy, good job, seemed to have ambition, and swore by me. waited for me even when i pushed him away. always told me positive things he saw in me, what made him care so much. said he knew what he wanted, and that it was me. he was over persistant. he was also way immature, and not so smart. i gave in.
i accepted his immaturity, and the fact that he annoyed the hell out of me. telling myself i needed to date a "nice guy" and that the only reason he annoyed me so much was because he was a "nice guy" so basically i forced a relationship. i settled. and well, i got hurt to a point so deep it has changed me forever, and i am having his baby any day now. but i am ok now. i wasnt for a while. i didnt think i could be. but i am. and in a way, it was good. cause no one, i mean, NO ONE, can EVER hurt me that way again.
its been done once. its hard to explain really. but for the first time maybe in my life, i may not know what i want always, but i DO know what i dont want, and i WILL NEVER settle again.. i know BOUNDRIES.
and most important, i know MYSELF, finally.

I've been avoiding sex and dating for quite a few years. I don't trust men or myself. But one good outcome is I do enjoy my solitude, my female friends, my family, much more than when I was obsessed with men in general and my latest man in particular.