It was supposed to happen this way - exactly and chronologically this way. I was supposed to fall in love very deeply right when I thought I was ready, I was supposed to be adored, I was supposed to feel part of a family, a unit. And it was supposed to be for a very short period of time. My heart was meant to be broken, I was meant to feel very deep and raw sorrow and regret and self doubt. And lastly, I was meant to show one last very intense and organic act of vulnerability towards him. It had to happen - I had to present my aching heart to him on a platter even though I knew he'd turn it down. Even though I knew his feelings for me had dissipated. All this had to happen because I needed to look inside myself and say 'it's okay, you did good'
There is an element of shame linked to that last encounter, but I recognize that it's just my fear of what his perception is of me. "How pathetic is she?' - Is what I imagine him thinking. I don't actually feel that shame for myself, or at least I'm trying to transform it. I was my authentic self in those moments and I offered him another opportunity to be with me. He ultimately turned me down.

I have too much to learn about myself still, and being with him was not allowing this to happen - I was too busy trying to learn everything about him and trying to assimilate. Being with him felt good and made me happy - and then it didn't anymore. And being with him also meant not being with myself. I hadn't found that healthy balance and now I really think that that could never have been possible with someone like him.

Am I believing that this is the purpose of all my tear shed and heart ache? Was it all a stepping stone to the final soul searching mission? You have to buy into this sort of thing when you're at a crossroads because otherwise, it's just a meaningless stroke of bad luck.. There's nothing worse than feeling like you have zero control, or searching for answers and hidden messages and finding nothing. Nothing is nothing. And this was definitely something.

Had I stayed with him, in that anxiety ridden reality it had turned into, I would have never gone out with my gf's on Friday night. I never would have seen 2 of my high school classmates, 1 in remission from breast cancer, and the other in early stages of Hodgkins disease. I never would have been hit with the realization that some things are too small and irrelevant. Perspective is everything.

So this is what I'd say to him one day if I'd run into him and he'd say sorry, or maybe I'll just have the fantasy in my head because I can. I'd say 'NO. Thank you. It was necessary. My heart broke for you but it' s now whole and strong and wiser in spite of you.'