Welcome, I'm not sure if my ex was an alcoholic, but in the early days he certainly did drink a lot and quite pften did not talk a lot of sense, half the time. He used to say nasty stuff when he was drunk and couldn't remember he'd said them in the morning, when I was upset. I'm not sure that I'm experienced with this kind of stuff, but I know some of the women here are. This is a good place and you'll get lots of support here. Hugs.

My N was an alcoholic, but he was a high funcitoning one. That did not prevent me from feeling emotioanlly abandoned, besides I found out he was having affairs too. He is a narcissisit and fits the profile of someone wiht Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think I didn't want to believe he was that sick, I am seeing little slivers of times where I actually should have been completely aware and ran for the hills, but instead I think i was in denial. I didn't want to give up on the dream. I didn't want to believe my sexy husband was a lying manipulative unfaithful selfish man that never gave a damn about me.

I believed all his lies, to where I was completely in some strange place in my mind.

I've been separated from him since dec 2010, however we havne't been emotionally together since the beginning of 2010. BUt I was married to him for 28 years and am going through a divorce, we are almost to an agreement and hopefully will soon be divofced. I think that will really set me free bucase I always felt that I was healthy, independant and being dragged down into a depression and frustration, always fearing his reactions...once this is done, I will be FREE! I will focus on ME as I have been, but with a new sense of freedom beucase I will no longer have an anchor trying to drown me. Best wishes to you and your new life...

Its hard to break a relationship that u always hope will work out, but its unhealthy if u r mothering the guy, always trying to make him behave in a certain way while he, himself don't care one bit. U end up being called a nag. I am breaking away from that cycle and mine situation is harder cos we have kids and him its cheating and lying, I have lost count of how many bad things I had to forgive all in the name of him changing. In my head I thought I was just being there and loving him, but only to realize it had nothing to do with love, but my obsession to make him be on the straight and narrow. Its only now I woke up from my fantasy dream of him changing and realise HE WILL NEVER CHANGE, not on my account. I am a christian, I have prayed, fasted and did everything in my power to try but no hope. It was just a losing battle and now the hurt was spilling over to my kids and that made me to say enough is enough. I stopped making him my air, if he didn't behave or treat me good ill be depressed until he is atleast nice to me. He was just a drug to me, my day would only be good if he was not misbehaving or disappearing and switching his phone on me.

The day u take that energy and concentrate on u is the day u will feel better. Accept the things that u cannot change. I always give myself this example, if I have a tv from LG and it doesn't do what normal tvs do, what do I do, do I fix it or do I take it back to LG, the people who know how to fix it. Trying to fix it myself will just frustrate me, so its like the same scenario with a man, don't try fix him, if he is not changing on his own he won't change when u force him, u can nag, shout, cry, do the silent treatment, ignore, smoother him, he won't do it until he wants. When u try, he will do what u want for a day or a week and then go back to his normal behavior. Its not u, its him. When my one is doing everything in his power to make me feel unlovable, I always thought it was me, but guess what, its me allowing him to make my self-esteem seem like it don't exist. Its me allowing him to make feel like I am not woman enough, why, cos I wait and hope one day he will see my hard work of trying to fix him and I decide, its enought.

Now all I care about is my kids, studying further, my career and my health and doing things the way I want, not waiting for him for anything. It takes time but u will get there. Don't bury the way u feel, allow urself to grieve and the move on. Take this time to concentrate on u, don't get another man to hide this pain, just work on getting over it, its a process, in order to get to a better place u have to go through all the withdrawals and all. Imagine u stopping taking drugs. So, we r here for u.

Thank You guys! 5olitaire...I have read some of your other posts and really appreciate you responding. Blueshoes2...my guy was very functional at work, I don't think he ever cheated on me b/c he would drink at home most of the time and I was very aware of where he was and when, even when he wasn't home. I had access to see where he was spending $, etc.I was quite obsessed with his whearabouts, it took over my life. I never came up w/ anything besides feeling like he was cheating w/ alcohol. I have been having the same relationship w/ different men for over 10 years. I am glad that I finally saw my patterns and I am working on fixing me. I hope you will be free of that anchor and that you can go out and celebrate you in a very positive way and take care of you the way that you deserve.

Ntsako2007...thank you for sharing your story and advice! My best friend is in a similar situation as you. It is very frustrating to watch her, a beautiful, smart, funny woman go through all of what you are going through with a man that is so selfish. She has been with him for a while, then had their baby about 1.5 years ago. I actually saw him out with another girl while she was pregnant. He "let" her move in, cheats on her, told her that he didn't want a relationship then tells her that he loves her, "works late" and lies. She does everything for him and he is not appreciative. She knows that it isn't healthy, he lies and she waits for change. She is working on getting her degree and working out. I am glad that both of you are starting to see that changing and doing for you and your kids is the best investment! I hope that you will be free to be happy. I am sure that you are a very deserving woman with a very broken TV!

Thanks again ladies!

Hi. i have just ended a relationship, and you just have to be strong, keep yourself busy, have good people around you, dont isolate yourself, get to as many al anon meetings as you can, there is nothing you can for this man, except let him go, we are crazy ladies, we allow men to hurt us, to consume all our time and energy, and we forget about ourselves along the way, take back your power, be kind to yourself, dont beat yourself up, and take things one day at a time, I am just coming through the first month, hasnt been easy, but i know when I come out of the other side, I will be so grateful for the lessons learned, I think I had to go through this relationship to learn that I will NEVER allow myself to be treated like a piece of rubbish again, keep on, keeping on, you can do it.

Hi Tiff... I too dated an alcoholic for almost 2 years (not brught me to this this board) but you did the RIGHT THING. stay strong! there is nothing an alcoholic will offer you except broken promises. i soooo wanted it to work out with him thats why i even entered the relationship knowing his was prob an alcoholic. it just turned into an emotional nightmare. i loved him soooo much, thought he was sooo hot. but couldnt live with his behavior. he was irrational, jealous and just plain crazy when he was drunk. now 8 years later i find myself on this board after dating another addict (of a different kind) this board has kind of awakened me to my cycles (i think) never again will i attempt a relationship with a man with addiction problems.. one of the 'red flags"

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-bail-out-red-flags/ (awesome site!)

just remember you did the right thing!! you only get 1 life so you need to live it for YOURSELF.

whoa. sorry for all the typos above! its early... my fingers are stiff. haha.

I had a history of being attracted to alcholics and/or drug addicts and years spent in Al-Anon helped ALOT with the help of an Al-Anon sponsor and 'working' the 12 steps. The work I put in ME payed off TREMENDOUSLY. Recovery took shifting ALL the energy, focus, and efforts that I used to lavish on the 'hims' to ME.

The reasons as to WHY I WAS ATTRACTED TO alcoholics and/or drug addicts were ALL ABOUT ME--There were MANY DEEPLY ROOTED reasons to my attraction to them and to MY COMPULSION to heal/help/fix them. In a sense, I was trying to fix myself through them and receive the love that was withheld from me in childhood.

Sticking around Al-Anon helped me get a CLEAR picture of myself (and more is revealed to me everyday!), especially when I did a 4th and 5th step. As a result, I was no longer 'playing' the role of a psychologist with these men. I was turning the insights on myself and learning of what makes me tick.

The reality is that when I distracted myself with these kinds of men, I WAS A PERSON WHO DID NOT CARE ABOUT MYSELF.

I feel such relief in not wasting my time and energy on alcoholic and/or drug addicts or any immature men who have an addictive personality. With the help of God, I am happy, joyous, and free.
Those gifts were set into motion ONCE I MADE THE DECISION AND MADE COMMITMENTS TO MYSELF THAT I KEPT.

I can totally relate!! I am going through the same thing. I have read so many books on the topic. Addiction for him was a common theme through the entire relationship, but it go so much worse last Dec. To the point where his brother hired a famous Interventionist, who showed up at my door so that we could get the alcoholic to Southern California in a motorhome since airport security would in NO WAY let him on a plane. I stuck it out through his rehab, sending him things to make his life good and at my expense I went down again by plane to visit him for a weekend. He discharged from rehab, got off the plane and smoked weed the first day home....the story goes on, but I can tell you living with a DRY drunk is the worst possible life!! He has relapsed and gotten sober about 10 times since rehab. He has to do it for himself! I am the typical woman who loves too much! Still buying books a week ago about "Letting go of an alcoholic" I was still trying to fix him!! In the meantime, It has been 2.5 years since my needs have been met.

If you ever want to talk feel free to email me as I can definitely relate! llperry38@yahoo.com

Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery program is a great place to start!~

Hi I am new to this as well. I have just asked my alcholic bf to leave as well. I tried to fix him and recue him and in the end I ended up sicker than he is. He dragged me down to such a low point and I allowed it to happen. I have been sober myself a number of years in recovery and still thought I could rescue. My ex was totally the same as I was when drinking. Cold, unemotional uncommunitive, lazy, and I allowed all this to happen. I mothered him and he was selfish enough to take it all with giving nothing in return. It got to the point where I had to get to the place enough was enough. We have been on and off last 16 months even were engaged at one point. I knew he was wrong for me but I still went there anyway. It came to ahead when he grabbed me for the first time ever and left bruises on me. I let him stay for another 10 days but I knew nothing was going to change if I didn't make the change. He is on a journey and I don't need to be on it anymore with him. He has taken me down far enough and he has further to go. I am not going with him though. am triyng to be strong throughout this and I know that he can go 4 days without contact and then he contacts me. I am hoping this time I am strong enough to not reply and get dragged back into the cycle. It is hard but I have support around me if I reach out for it. I have been thinking about him and wandering what he is doing, but I quickly get those thoughts out of my head as I know I don't need him in my life. i hope I am strong enough this time to stay away and get abck to the person I used to be before I met him. I know I am not alone in this and I relate alot to others on here as well

We can do it together! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this...let me share a little of my story and how I knew it was "time for me to fly"...

For the past year, I have felt so isolated and alone and like I was fighting a battle for someone, against that same someone. I finally had to give it up when he poured a beer over my head, threw my clothes outside our home and threw my cat. That was the last straw for me. I took his abuse towards me but when he hurt my cat, "someone" besides me...I just couldn't stand to look at him. I started thinking about how it would be if we were to have children. I decided to leave. Even while packing up, I had doubts about leaving. I had tried to leave many times before, even had my car packed and half way down the road. Those times, I was still trying to get a reaction out of him and it worked. This last time, I left because I was beat down with all the drama, tired and literally sick from all of the stress. I am so happy that I have a chance to start again but it is a struggle and a lot of work to sit through all the "boredom" of not having that drama anymore. I am going to go through it so that I can be a better person for myself and everyone else involved in my life.

It is hard to not wonder what they are doing but I know that mine is doing the exact same thing that he was doing when I was sitting there waiting for a change, drinking. He is drinking and not being the person that I need in my life. Good luck and feel free to message me anytime! Oh and be sure to reach out and maybe Al-Anon would help you! I went to my first meeting and I felt a huge weight lifted off! Hugs and Prayers!

Hey tiff. Yeah I have those thoughts as well, wondering what he is doing. I know though he is doing the exact same, just without me there to save him, drive him home and say when I can see he is getting to that point it's time to go home. He consummed so much of my time and thoughts. I didn't trust him and always wondered where he was and what he was doing. He wouldn't speak to me and if he did he put me down alot of the time. He was such a taker and gave nothing in return. I used to say to him I don't know why you are here as you do nothing and you are just like another kid in my home. He doesn't have kids but I do. He was that selfish that he wouldn't take care of them for me at the end and it was all about him. I know I am better off without him and today is day 3 again. Time will make it better, however I have to go through the pain first to heal. Glad a friend told me about this as it is hard to tell people sometimes how sick I got and be honest about it.