Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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anglvette 04/19/2012

I hate them. Things that were brought up in the past that make me wonder if I could have done anything different to change the outcome. I've put things on hold in my life for the last 18 months or so trying my best to work on a relationship. No work or school just making sure I was available to drive back and forth to see him at least once a month, spent most of last summer there. When I first moved away he threw a fit when I mentioned school. I got offered a job and he threw a fit. Why? Because I wasn't going to be available so no I didn't take up either opportunity. I know I can do whatever I want to now but I was looking at msgs from last fall where he was telling me I needed to "get off my ass" and do something. I pick up yard work with a friend and clean a lady's house so I would have extra cash. I got some money saved so it's not like I am struggling but what bothers me is that it's hot/cold. First he bitched because I was considering school or a job. Then since I didn't he bitched because in his words I was "lazy and good for nothing". There was no winning. I know I have time now to do what I want to do and that's a plus but really what does it matter if you really care about someone whether or not they are going to school or have a job. As long as I can provide for my family and take care of things and I WAS planning on moving back but according to him I didn't do anything to show him I was serious about this relationship. REALLY?? I bent over backwards, went to see him every month almost. He only made 1 trip over for camping/canoeing. I think I drove over 8k miles, spent over 2k in gas and other expenses and who knows how many hours but because he came over 1 time and says I was lucky he was still in the relationship.
I don't get it and the doubts are really pissing me off. No answers to important questions or at least they seem important to me. I know he's a Narc and I feel as tho I was emotionally and mentally abused. So maybe it's stemming to those is why I am doubting my abilities or what I did or didn't do. Driving myself crazy I guess.

deleted_user 04/19/2012

Causing us to doubt ourselves is what they do best. Driving us nuts is a close second...if not tied. There really are no answers that I have found other than the fact that they are single minded in a relationship..it is all for them. When we happen to fall in step with their ideal woman we are richly rewarded with attention and pretty words, but how long can anyone be an ideal? So then comes the insults, quarrels over stupid petty nothings. So, you were not able to maintain someones ideal standard. Do you really think that matters? In the whole scheme of your life, is he the one who is to determine your worth? I let one do that to me for most of my life and I can guarantee you, turn yourself inside out and you will still not be enough. I think they are miserable in their own skin and then blame us for their own misery.

deleted_user 04/19/2012

I think it is important that someone is going to school or working or has personal purpose in life. I think his control of you is very sad because you allowed it to limit your growth and development. We allow these things. I work full time as a teacher but where I sold myself short was being available for every meal time, every possible moment. I surrendered my yoga, my physical self so that I could be available. He honestly didn't stop me, didn't care and would have actually been happy to see me stick to my routines. I did it to myself. I molded my life around making everything perfect. I did this for many years for my children BUT I functioned. This was all done in fear. I was trying to not miss a single possible opportunity for love. I am now doing yoga again 4-5 times a week and picking up MY life in my way. I did this to myself and I think everyone here has a bit of that--we have to take responsibility. No one makes you do anything unless they have a gun to your head.
Blessings to you dear.

anglvette 04/19/2012

My purpose over the last 18 months was to try to make things work the best of my ability with him and make sure my kids did better in school then they had previously. They were struggling some before I left with their schooling. So concentrating on them and helping them be more respectful (we had different opinions on what we thought was the right way to act) showing them how important school is and taking care of their stuff, respecting their elders and helping them understand when we went back for visits to be able to talk with me about how his kids treated them and seeing the difference between right and wrong. Reading books and looking up articles online, trying to find different ways of communicating with him so that he would better understand me. Those are the things I concentrated on most. I don't regret not going to school or going to work, and I know that he didn't keep me from it but what gets me is the back and forth. I was in trouble if I was even considering it and now I am "beneath" him because I didn't do it.

deleted_user 04/19/2012

Good for you Angivette. It sounds like you were very productive during this time and your children are your priority. It is good that you were in a position to stop and take care of them. They are what matter the most here. You are not beneath him. It sounds like you already know this but believe it. You have been working on a big project-YOU. There is light at the end of tunnel.

anglvette 04/20/2012

Thanks Creo--I've tried to write a response 3 times now and I keep hitting something that keeps deleting it or takes me to another page. So maybe I will try again later. Lol

But for the major part yes concentrating on the kids and making sure they understand what's important in regards to their schooling and attitude problems is been one of my major concentrations. I don't think I wasted my time trying to put things on hold in regards to even working things out with him. I bent over backwards and everyone else can see it, just not him. That's his problem, not mine. Me driving back and forth, putting so much time, money and miles on my car to spend what ever time we could with him and his 3 kids, to keep connections going was all on me trying to do the right thing. I stood up for the problems I saw and asked him to work on them and his response was he started them and I was suppose to come help him continue them. Sorry. I heard those lines before. I stood my ground and as he's progressed keeping those things going I was more and more getting to the point where I was ready to move back this summer just to have him tell me never mind. He didn't think I was serious about moving back and didn't think I really cared because I hadn't proven it to him. Again his problem, not mine. My kids are in a better place and mindset. I will get stronger with each day. .Summer is coming and I have some plans (Hawaii) and hanging out with friends that I plan to ENJOY as much as possible without having to worry if he's okay with it when I need to be back over there with him. I am looking forward to Summer for the first time in a long time.

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