NEVER give up. keep going and fighting. I've had a lot of thinking to do this past couple days, with how i feel, and decisions that led me to a violent encounter with an ex that could have possibly killed me, someone put their life on the line to protect me and my kids. It was the first time anyone has EVER shown that type of sincerity and selfless love, at least that someone had shown me, and it took that person nearly dying to save me for me to believe that i am worth loving. Growing up as i did, having complex ptsd as i do, traumatic events feel normal... but what these people do to us, is nothing short of traumatic, but it IS our fault too. It is not our fault they manipulate, cheat, lie, and abuse, but it is our fault when we have the inability to let go. I could have been easily killed at least 4 times in my life by dangerous men... and it didn't hit home until I watched a good friend almost be killed trying to protect me. When it happens to us... it doesnt feel severe, doesnt feel important because we have an ingrained sense of unworthiness, somehow, even though our instincts fight it, we believe deep down that we are worthless and we accept maltreatment.

I would never have truly believed, even after all i have been through in my life, that my ex was capable of being as dangerous as he was 3 days ago. but the signs were there... i looked them over. I let my feelings for him speak and ignored the facts. I let him near my daughter. I let him back in my home. when the games became evident again, i let it go... let him go. i was ready to be done. and he flipped. begging, calling... and No Contact drove him over the edge.

THESE MEN ARE DANGEROUS. not just to us, but to those around us. i know we know this, but i'm trying to find a way to state it to drive it home.

If you are here for validation, confirmation that your current partner is in fact not good for you... THEN YOU ALREADY KNOW HE ISN'T. healthy relationships do not need to go on a site for abusive relationships and love addiction to find out. LISTEN TO YOURSELF. it will hurt, but take your pain and get out. you have always known everything you needed to know... now use it. there isn't going to be some big "ah-ha" moment. its never going to be black and white. all you need to know is that this person confuses you and does not make you happy. the only true "ah-ha" moments are dangerous. by the time it happens its too late. I still find myself fighting in my head trying to force myself to believe that i knew it all along. these men can explode at any time... a week, months, years, and only then will the true colors be fully revealed and reality attacks you in the face, if you wait for this you are lucky to survive the encounter. listen to me not as the founder of this site or some kind of expert, listen to me as a survivor. and i know that if i can find a way to believe in myself... then every one of you can. ive been walking around in a fog for years... and it took this to lift it.

DO THEY EVERY CHANGE?
Honestly it doesnt matter, because if they do change by the time the change has taken place you have already paid the price. by the time he is the man he is supposed to be or promised to be, you will be damaged, confused and less of a person. you may not even know who you are anymore. and then, how would you know that he had changed, or that he changed you to fit what he wanted? and after having visited the dark side, he always has the potential to revert back to that path they traveled for so long. they are what they are, and if you continue to love them then you accept to sacrifice your future and happiness.

you dont have to attend every battle you are invited to. you CAN walk away. it will hurt, but hearts are made to be broken, its part of human experience. its part of how we learn and grow. we transcend by pain and are enlightened by love. we cant choose how we grew up, and we cant change the past, but we can change the now and learn to hope for a better future.

I have pretty severe ptsd. i let that be a tool for manipulation, thinking i was damaged. PTSD is a protective disorder derived from trauma and abuse. which means i have a will to live. and so do all of you or you wouldnt be here. stand up. take a deep breath, and know that it is going to hurt. accept the pain first. and get out.

If even one person can gather the strength from my experience... if i can even reach one person then it was worth it.