Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I was feeling lonely tonight and my bf, or exbf, I'm not sure what to call him anymore did not reply to my text to him and I got the urge to go to this social anxiety site and cheer myself up. Part of that is interacting with men.
I get myself into trouble interacting with men online, I had a horrible experience with a younger man online just before I went back to my exbf a couple months ago where I felt brutally rejected.
I just got cheered up cause a guy I don't even know sent me a "hug" private message and I can feel all the lights coming on and this excitement brewing. :) I like that feeling it felt way better than the distress and rejection and abandonment I've been experiencing in this horrible break up/break down with my bf.
I asked him to attend a domestic violence group to step up to the plate and be there there for me and show up for himself and he hasn't given me an answer.
I was ]going to ask him if he would at least help support me financially while I work through things addressing my mental health problems and going to the women's part of the domestic violence group which is wrong, I know. :( I guess I just want something he might be able to give me.
I would go with the entertaining myself with other guys online (though the interaction if brief and won't really turn into anything) but I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. It did make me feel better for a little while, though. And I'm 100% sure he's doing it. He even turns to other women emotionally and for attention when we're together so I know he did it as soon as things started going wrong. I hurt so much over that. He told me I'm so special to him but as soon as I'm not available he's looking to someone else.
Anyway, I have these fantasies about guys online and I fantasize I can find somebody who will really love me and treat me great, find my "soul mate" even though my bf always says he thinks we're soul mates but I have a hard time accepting that because of all the emotional pain and suffering and lack of understanding between us. I thought a soul mate was supposed to be a safe good friend you're also in love with.
Anyway, debating if I should go "play" with these other guys online. It's probably not the right thing to do, because I wouldn't want him to do it and even though he does, does it make it right for me to?
I get myself into trouble interacting with men online, I had a horrible experience with a younger man online just before I went back to my exbf a couple months ago where I felt brutally rejected.
I just got cheered up cause a guy I don't even know sent me a "hug" private message and I can feel all the lights coming on and this excitement brewing. :) I like that feeling it felt way better than the distress and rejection and abandonment I've been experiencing in this horrible break up/break down with my bf.
I asked him to attend a domestic violence group to step up to the plate and be there there for me and show up for himself and he hasn't given me an answer.
I was ]going to ask him if he would at least help support me financially while I work through things addressing my mental health problems and going to the women's part of the domestic violence group which is wrong, I know. :( I guess I just want something he might be able to give me.
I would go with the entertaining myself with other guys online (though the interaction if brief and won't really turn into anything) but I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. It did make me feel better for a little while, though. And I'm 100% sure he's doing it. He even turns to other women emotionally and for attention when we're together so I know he did it as soon as things started going wrong. I hurt so much over that. He told me I'm so special to him but as soon as I'm not available he's looking to someone else.
Anyway, I have these fantasies about guys online and I fantasize I can find somebody who will really love me and treat me great, find my "soul mate" even though my bf always says he thinks we're soul mates but I have a hard time accepting that because of all the emotional pain and suffering and lack of understanding between us. I thought a soul mate was supposed to be a safe good friend you're also in love with.
Anyway, debating if I should go "play" with these other guys online. It's probably not the right thing to do, because I wouldn't want him to do it and even though he does, does it make it right for me to?
I know what you mean and have done this too - the feelings you get when you get that buzz from someone being interested in you… its just diverting yourself from the real issues and your own pain though. Its a distraction. Its preventing you from healing and recovering. Its because you need their validation to feel worthy and loveable. You really aren't doing yourself any favours by doing this. Its one of the old habits which are unhealthy for you.
Go on the internet and research a new hobby, or things to do in your local area - join a night class or something for YOU!
xxx
Someone had a line the other day that cracked me up: "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." :))
What you say is so true. That seeking validation can easily slip into using someone else. That going with something that seems nice and "safe" can end up meaning we cheat ourselves (and the other person) because it's a form of cowardice -- or maybe cowardice is a bit harsh, let's just say, "a way of avoiding things we should deal with." At least, that's how I see it. I've been in both kinds of relationships, the nice safe (but ultimately unfulfilling) ones, and the dangerous (passionate but also painful) ones.
Could it be that the safe ones are unfulfilling because they don't challenge us to grow? That having someone "accept you as you are" can also mean they accept things they really shouldn't, and that you know they're letting you get away with stuff (because of their own neediness) rather than forcing you to really look at yourself and change? Sometimes I wonder.
I think at this point, it's clear to me that I WANT a relationship to challenge me. Though not every single moment of every day -- there has to be some nurturing and validation thrown into the mix too. But here's where I've gotten to in my journey. I jumped from a longterm, very comfortable relationship to a very volatile, dangerous one. And while the experience has proved way more painful than I ever imagined, in some ways, my doing so was an act of self-honesty. I picked someone who was the polar opposite of the guy I was with, literally the other extreme, and I do not believe it was simply randomness or hormones or self-destructiveness. I think, No, I did this because I needed to find something out. I did this because it was something I had to do. And I take responsibility for where I am now.
Where I am now is a hard road. Sometimes it feels like I'm on a lonely road in a desert, and there’s no oasis in sight, just mirages. But not always. I can't honestly say that this past year-and-a-half hasn't also been an extremely rich time. I've learned a ton of stuff. I've had to delve deep inside myself and go to some pretty scary places. But ultimately, I’m going to come out stronger inside myself, as well as a better person.
Haha! Right?! :D
Thanks, TokyoRose. That makes a lot of sense. A relationship that challenges me but not in a never-can-win sort of way.