Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Lately i have been feeling better, i have been doing things to make me feel better. and planning for the future.
i will start school in march. once this takes off, there is no stopping me. i can feel a change in me, of getting back to being the person i am, the strong, calm, and calculating, organized person i can be.
there is one flaw in this emerging of me.
my boyfriend. my nice guy boyfriend who has been there for me for the most part. who my daughter calls daddy.
who was there when everyone else left me. why dont i feel about him the way i want to? what is it about "chemistry" that makes you be or not be attracted to someone? WHY do i have to be faced with this.
i love him, but i dont know if its enough. do i really have to look at leaving? at finding a rundown apartment i can afford? of taking the only daddy my daughter has known away? and going to school and doing everything on my own? im so hurt.. im feeling an emptiness that i havent felt in a long time when i think of leaving him.
i dont think i have the strength to. anytime i thought of leaving anyone before, there were REASONS. like huge reasons, like abuse, cheating, lying, pain.
I dont know how to leave someone who is generally good to me. i dont know how to be with someone who is good to me.
im missing passion. any kind of passion. touching, hugging. anything. we dont even do that anymore hardly.
i asked him to sit with me and talk. he was more interested in going to play his computer game, and kept edging towards the door. today i called him to tell him about my daughters first pee pee in the big potty, then as i was talking he inturrupted me and said he had to go, cause had to give someone some shit about a football game. i want someone i can just TALK TO. just random conversations. when i ask him to do this with me, he says about what? or what is there to talk about? and doesnt see how it hurts me. ive been slowly distancing myself, whether or not i want to.
but for some reason i just cant take that step. i cant hurt him. im afraid to take my daughter away, and the family of his that has accepted us.
i have been feeling this way, especially because his brother is getting married, after having only been with this girl for a few months. we have been together over 2 years and not even talked about marriage. we are going to the wedding. he never tries to better himself in any way for very long. its always back to the computer. i want to break it. IM NOT HAPPY. and i lack the courage and strength to go search for my happiness. im so deathly afraid of dating. ive become an incredible prude after my exes. i could see myself going on a date, with a pen and paper, checking my red flag checklist. and prying into his life to make sure he was who he said he was. and him dumping me for being crazy.
and i TRUST the man im with. he may not be much to look at, but he wont go out and cheat on me, he wont hit me or tell me im not good enough. he shares in responsibility for my child and accepts her as his own.
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? i cant just walk out, i cant. but im so upset. and he doesnt see it.
he says im always upset about something. maybe true. but im really trying to look at things how they are.
and there are alot of things that circle around him that upset me. he says i need to learn to let go, which is true, but it UPSETS me, when the garbage is full and people just throw it on the floor, or move AROUND a mess on the counter instead of cleaning it. or sit on the computer ALL DAY and dont even look at me when im talking. or start to run, and get off the computer, and workout, and have a plan for life, and have energy, then STOP doing it, and expect me to just accept the computer guy who never tries to look good for me,
who never gets dressed for me. i get messy greasy hair, shirts with holes in them, then wonders why i dont want him touching me or being intimate with me. he says i need to just accept him as he is. that he doesnt care how i look or anything, that either way he loves me. and it makes me feel like a horrible vain person.
am i so vain that i would give up a kind man because of how he dresses and looks?
and maybe i shouldnt complain about the house, i should just clean it and not say anything. but i cant.
i dont clean up after anyone to that extent. i dont mind a little bit. i do the things no one else will do, but i dont need to constantly worry about the little things.
like last night he could have finished the dishes, which would have taken maybe 10 15 mins. but sat on the computer instead. always a game. always. i dont mind a little gaming. but its all he does now. he doesnt think so. but he cant walk away from the middle of a "match" to say hi to me. or spend time with me. im sad. im upset.
i have talked to him, but his promises to "fix it" only work for a short amount of time before he stops doing them. he says he wants more sex, and i tell him how to get it. that things he does are unattractive to me.
he does it one day and then expects me to be over the months or weeks of how it was, and if im not yet, then he goes back to the computer.
after having been with horrific men, how do i just walk away from this? i dont know how to make myself happy. why am i feeling this emptiness. i havent felt this in a while. this hole in my chest. its not like it was.
where it consumed me. but its still there. i feel it when i think of leaving him. its the place he has taken since we have been together. how do we get around this?
i will start school in march. once this takes off, there is no stopping me. i can feel a change in me, of getting back to being the person i am, the strong, calm, and calculating, organized person i can be.
there is one flaw in this emerging of me.
my boyfriend. my nice guy boyfriend who has been there for me for the most part. who my daughter calls daddy.
who was there when everyone else left me. why dont i feel about him the way i want to? what is it about "chemistry" that makes you be or not be attracted to someone? WHY do i have to be faced with this.
i love him, but i dont know if its enough. do i really have to look at leaving? at finding a rundown apartment i can afford? of taking the only daddy my daughter has known away? and going to school and doing everything on my own? im so hurt.. im feeling an emptiness that i havent felt in a long time when i think of leaving him.
i dont think i have the strength to. anytime i thought of leaving anyone before, there were REASONS. like huge reasons, like abuse, cheating, lying, pain.
I dont know how to leave someone who is generally good to me. i dont know how to be with someone who is good to me.
im missing passion. any kind of passion. touching, hugging. anything. we dont even do that anymore hardly.
i asked him to sit with me and talk. he was more interested in going to play his computer game, and kept edging towards the door. today i called him to tell him about my daughters first pee pee in the big potty, then as i was talking he inturrupted me and said he had to go, cause had to give someone some shit about a football game. i want someone i can just TALK TO. just random conversations. when i ask him to do this with me, he says about what? or what is there to talk about? and doesnt see how it hurts me. ive been slowly distancing myself, whether or not i want to.
but for some reason i just cant take that step. i cant hurt him. im afraid to take my daughter away, and the family of his that has accepted us.
i have been feeling this way, especially because his brother is getting married, after having only been with this girl for a few months. we have been together over 2 years and not even talked about marriage. we are going to the wedding. he never tries to better himself in any way for very long. its always back to the computer. i want to break it. IM NOT HAPPY. and i lack the courage and strength to go search for my happiness. im so deathly afraid of dating. ive become an incredible prude after my exes. i could see myself going on a date, with a pen and paper, checking my red flag checklist. and prying into his life to make sure he was who he said he was. and him dumping me for being crazy.
and i TRUST the man im with. he may not be much to look at, but he wont go out and cheat on me, he wont hit me or tell me im not good enough. he shares in responsibility for my child and accepts her as his own.
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? i cant just walk out, i cant. but im so upset. and he doesnt see it.
he says im always upset about something. maybe true. but im really trying to look at things how they are.
and there are alot of things that circle around him that upset me. he says i need to learn to let go, which is true, but it UPSETS me, when the garbage is full and people just throw it on the floor, or move AROUND a mess on the counter instead of cleaning it. or sit on the computer ALL DAY and dont even look at me when im talking. or start to run, and get off the computer, and workout, and have a plan for life, and have energy, then STOP doing it, and expect me to just accept the computer guy who never tries to look good for me,
who never gets dressed for me. i get messy greasy hair, shirts with holes in them, then wonders why i dont want him touching me or being intimate with me. he says i need to just accept him as he is. that he doesnt care how i look or anything, that either way he loves me. and it makes me feel like a horrible vain person.
am i so vain that i would give up a kind man because of how he dresses and looks?
and maybe i shouldnt complain about the house, i should just clean it and not say anything. but i cant.
i dont clean up after anyone to that extent. i dont mind a little bit. i do the things no one else will do, but i dont need to constantly worry about the little things.
like last night he could have finished the dishes, which would have taken maybe 10 15 mins. but sat on the computer instead. always a game. always. i dont mind a little gaming. but its all he does now. he doesnt think so. but he cant walk away from the middle of a "match" to say hi to me. or spend time with me. im sad. im upset.
i have talked to him, but his promises to "fix it" only work for a short amount of time before he stops doing them. he says he wants more sex, and i tell him how to get it. that things he does are unattractive to me.
he does it one day and then expects me to be over the months or weeks of how it was, and if im not yet, then he goes back to the computer.
after having been with horrific men, how do i just walk away from this? i dont know how to make myself happy. why am i feeling this emptiness. i havent felt this in a while. this hole in my chest. its not like it was.
where it consumed me. but its still there. i feel it when i think of leaving him. its the place he has taken since we have been together. how do we get around this?
He knew what he was doing, I am sure. And I do not mean that in a bad way, but I am sure he knew you were way above his league and that he way to secure you was to find you a your lowest moment. He has been a good man and a kind man.
I walked away from a good man who was good, kind, trustworthy and incredily successful, but after 8 years the relationship fell apart. Not because he was a bad guy or I was a bad guy but because it did not feel right for either of us. I have no regrets. Even though I stumbled across the worse man I ever met (xn) after breaking up with the good guy, I still do not regret it.
You act like you can't make this decision because you do not know what your dating future holds. Please remove that from your equation. Your future mates will be healthy once you are healthy. You will never know that you can be OK alone (with your daughter) until you are OK alone (with your daughter).
You are going into black and white thinking. If not current good guy BF then only trouble is headed my way. That is not true. You do not know what the future holds, known of us do. All we can do is continue to work on ourselves and be the best that we can be. I can tell you one thing for sure, you will never be the best you in this relationship. It is not working for you and has not been for at least a year. No matter how much your try to convince yourself otherwise, you always end up knowing he is not the one for you.
Leap and the net will appear.
When I was telling a close girlfriend about my now exN, I was speculating with her about whether it was covert N he had and/or passive aggressive behaviour etc etc. and what I should do..... Her answer, quite simply: "Look, it doesnt matter what diagnosis you give him, the bottom line is he is making you unhappy - and has done for the past year, without any hope for change, so of course you should walk away!"
We shouldn't feel guilty if we have a "nice" guy and yet dont really like him (as if we are ungrateful coz the last guy was a total psycho etc!).
"Normal" men can be emotionally unavailable too...as yours is displaying in many ways (I would say).
The difference is, IF he isnt disordered, there is hope for change...IF you can sit him down and clearly get across how you feel, and what your needs are (men need it in black and white).....even go for some relationship counselling together?
Your daughter is obviously very young and would surely recover from him no longer being in her life but I can understand your dilemma and feelings there (heart wrenching).
What was it that attracted you to him in the first place, Dracona? Was it HIM....or was it that he was so different from your exN (or whatever he was) and you simply needed his kindness, support etc.
Were there any qualities you saw in him that were special? Are they still there? (it is very easy for us to see and focus on their "warts" after a certain period into the relationship eh?!)
Maybe now, when you are further along the road to recovery and into self development etc., you have sort of "outgrown" this man? Maybe he was a person that was only meant to be in your life for a season?
I dont mean that in a nasty way, that you have just used him and now you no longer need him....what I mean is that you seemed to have met at a time when you were very vulnerable and needy and not really your true self (who is after a N-experieNce?!!). Now, I would say, you seem more in touch with YOU, who you are, what your needs are and what you want out of life....
If he is basically a nice guy with a heart, you should be able to try and talk with him - choosing the right time and the right words...maybe going away to a hotel overnight, leaving the computer and babe behind...?
Hope something here might help you.....
i think just the whole future scares me, the unknowing.
and the question of what attracted him to me in the first place?
it was cause he was there when no one else was. i made the decision to date him after i had the baby and he came and held her so i could take a shower. and i knew he cared not just for me, but for her, and that why would i pass up someone who so obviously wants to make us happy. i refused to date while pregnant. but i also remember being pregnant and hormonal. and while i would flirt with guy friends and such, i would never flirt with him, because i didnt want him to think there was a chance later.
ive thought about all this, and my mind keeps spinning in circles.
but i will give his brother a chance to talk to him. and give him a chance to start paying on what he owes, and give him a chance to make an appointment for some counseling. i know he has already had time.
but this is his last chance. because i just cant do it anymore. any extra energy i have, or will have, will be taken up on school, and work, and study. i wont be able to afford worrying about him. i need someone who can stand up in a relationship and take up the slack if there is any and work towards a common goal. i wont be able to accept anything else, less i let another relationship ruin my life and plans for it.
and i cant ever, do that again. i start school in march. he needs to have it together by then.
i like your idea of going and talking. i think that maybe next thursday i will do that. go out of town or something. or just to dinner. he doesnt understand when i say love isnt enough. or when i ask what or why he loves me. he says he just does. he doesnt understand why i need to know what he expects in a relationship. or what he wants for the future i should say.
its a hard part to be in, cause part of me believes that all you can do is live day by day.
there was a time where i didnt know what i would do without him. well, now i do. im needing something more that im not getting. but i am terrified of taking that leap. not just based on dating. the worry of having life pass me by and never finding anyone, or having another baby. i do want another baby. i want a family. I know me and Ariyah can be alone. i know we can. i will adjust.
but we also work together. i would see him every day i work. i dont feel im strong enough yet.
i just dont think im strong enough yet... just cant make the jump.
He doesnt sound very wonderful at all; maybe its just your direct comparison with your XN that makes you feel this guy is so "good" whereas in reality it appears few of your needs are being met. He sounds like a couple of guys I know, obsessed with their video games... big kids! Partners? Er, no.
Dont feel guilty for leaving someone because they DONT treat you badly, its such a negative way to think. My mother (after she split from my father) would date really ordinary mean, and justify staying with them by "Well, he doesnt hit me, he doesnt gamble, he doesnt drink etc" rather than what he DOES do, which in fact for her was very little...and therefore there was no joy in it.
Its better to be on your own, I think, than settle for that. I met a man on NYE who seems lovely. I wasnt actually looking to meet a partner, just happened to have a few drinks and be merry, and played a game of pool with him. Well, we have gone out twice since, just a lunch date and a beach date, and I just know my heart isnt in it, so I just told him I wasnt ready and couldnt be anything for him until I was, however long that took. He was very understanding, off he went, and I dont miss him one bit. If it's not there, it's not there.
You may not feel you are justified in leaving, but unhappiness is all the justification in the world, and your happiness will plummet in remaining in something like this, and affect your loved ones anyway. Life is too short.
Hoping some of this helps. There are no easy fixes for what we have all been through, I'm afraid, just one day at a time. I cant sort it all out in my brain, but I'm hoping time will do it for me anyway. I just found that trying to be with somebody cos he was "nice" was more stressful to me than being with nobody. Cos in trying to be with the nice one, I felt GUILT on top of everything else, for not responding in the way I thought he deserved....
Best of luck
Caz