It's been nearly two months of no contact with my ex and it has started to sink in that he is gone, that he is not coming back, nor should I want him to, that there will be no further chapters to this story. As the veil of love has lifted and I've started to see the reality of that relationship for what it was I'm filled with a sense of disgust and disappointment with myself. That I am here yet again looking back at a relationship in which I ignored my instincts, traded my boundaries and my better interests for an illusion of love from a pathological man. I've clung to the fantasy that this relationship, this man was different since the day he left me, avoiding the truth even as I read the books and scratched at the surface of the traumas that led me here. Now I can feel a hardness descending around me. For years I hid inside a shell of cynicism. I don't want to go back to that place but accessing the trauma that led me to these behaviors is terrifying and I have yet to find a therapist that can guide me through. I am afraid. I am heartbroken. I feel damaged beyond words and I don't know how to begin to pick up the pieces.