Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hello,
I was at the pool yesterday and there were quite a few people there playing with balls and noodles. When it was time to go I notice that the life guard was going around collecting these items and putting them away. I notice that there were about three balls in my area. Now, if you get an item out of the closet you are responsible for putting it back. I had gotten one ball and one noodle for my son to play with and a pair of flippers. So, my mind said get the balls and clean up all the noodles in your area. Then I looked around and saw that most people were just getting out of the pool and going about their merry way.
I thought why do I feel like it is my responsibility to clean out the pool. Art posted an article yesterday that talked about how WWLTM develop caretaking in childhood as a way to combat feelings of being unlovable and abandoned. It makes us feel safe to care take, it makes us feel valid. But I also know that from experience that it also makes me feel resentful and it further deepens the belief that I can not be loved and cared for if I take care of my needs first. I would like to say that I left the damn balls right there and walked out but I didn't. I made my son collect the balls and he kept saying why do I have to get the balls. I said we are just going to put them back and help out but really he was right. It was not our responsibility to clean out the pool.
Today I am just glad that for a moment there was new information in my head that said that is not your responsibility- leave it. Maybe next time I will just leave the balls which to me are symbolic of my care-taking abilities. The book suggest that we have to develop the ability to be selfish and really for us it would just be normal self-care. I am looking forward to caring for myself and allowing others to do the same. Get your own damn ball.
I was at the pool yesterday and there were quite a few people there playing with balls and noodles. When it was time to go I notice that the life guard was going around collecting these items and putting them away. I notice that there were about three balls in my area. Now, if you get an item out of the closet you are responsible for putting it back. I had gotten one ball and one noodle for my son to play with and a pair of flippers. So, my mind said get the balls and clean up all the noodles in your area. Then I looked around and saw that most people were just getting out of the pool and going about their merry way.
I thought why do I feel like it is my responsibility to clean out the pool. Art posted an article yesterday that talked about how WWLTM develop caretaking in childhood as a way to combat feelings of being unlovable and abandoned. It makes us feel safe to care take, it makes us feel valid. But I also know that from experience that it also makes me feel resentful and it further deepens the belief that I can not be loved and cared for if I take care of my needs first. I would like to say that I left the damn balls right there and walked out but I didn't. I made my son collect the balls and he kept saying why do I have to get the balls. I said we are just going to put them back and help out but really he was right. It was not our responsibility to clean out the pool.
Today I am just glad that for a moment there was new information in my head that said that is not your responsibility- leave it. Maybe next time I will just leave the balls which to me are symbolic of my care-taking abilities. The book suggest that we have to develop the ability to be selfish and really for us it would just be normal self-care. I am looking forward to caring for myself and allowing others to do the same. Get your own damn ball.
Good to see updates about your journey.
First let me speak how I feel about collecting the balls. I think you are being too harsh on yourself by over analysing every act of yours. Like if someone has spare time and someone wants to collect their share of balls it's ok. Recovering by no means is getting selfish. Recovery I feel is compulsively collecting the balls to prove that I am great or better than the others. Collecting the balls or not collecting the balls is my call and depends upon what is convenient to me in that moment. We are perishable and our behaviours and thought process should be according to that.
I agree with you that life is happening now. And waiting for one event to change our lives is a mirage we fool ourselves with.
I am in a good position right now. I enjoy watching movies and documentaries with my boys . We travel every three months. My boyfriend is about to get his divorce by November this year. His wife has taken everything he had . We are supposed to get married this December. But I would like to give it a good thought because right now I am in a perfect balance situation. I love my job, my time with the boys and my relationship with my boyfriend. I have stopped analysing my behaviour. I am not perfect and I need not be but overall the life has to have a harmony a rhythm.
Just be less harsh to yourself. ...you are wonderful. ..and you are you....that's it . Cheers! !!
here's the thing there is like kuhu said a difference between being kind and generous and being codependent. being altruistic and serving people and being codependent. i think the best gauge you mentioned is the resentment... that's info that it's not in line with your needs, wants, values.....
kuhu i love how you stopped analyzing yourself...... i have a hard time.. how di you do that???
Hi Kuhu,
I am glad to see that you are still here and doing so well. I will probably never stop analyzing my behavior. I love it too much. Oh, the balls. What can I say it just gave me pause for a minute in how I interact with others in the world. There was not a genuine desire to help the life guard for me it really was just second nature. Help, help, help. I am glad that I paused because it means that new information is taking place. Like I told Finn, I don't know the difference yet between giving from a healthy place and giving from pain. So, for now I don't give, I don't give advice and unless it is my son I just have to take a break from it. But with all things I think that eventually I will achieve balance. Its like deciding not to date for a while so that you can get yourself together and be ready to date later.
I am so glad to hear from both you.
All these simple day to day activities add up to our behavior. And I am becoming so much more aware of them and that makes me think that I am moving forward in changing who I am. I think to be aware of stuff is good. To sit and dwell on it and analyze it is being obsessive and THAT is probably not healthy. : )
Thanks for responding. I understand what you are saying. You are right that this is not a program of being better than others. It took me a long time to understand that my recovery will not look like anyone else. There are similarities in the disease we obsess, we caretake, we are in pain but the healing is tailored made for each of us. Things that bring me comfort will do nothing for other people. If someone had told me that working out would become a joy for me I would have laughed my head off. But its working. I never thought working out would be a part of my recovery.
When I first joined this site I was frantic about getting others to agree that I was okay with what I am doing. Some did others did not. Also I tried to give advice and help- more caretaking. Now, I come I write, I tell others my story as a way to support. I read what others write and I take it all in. Like you said I focus now on just being better than I was. I wish you the best and hope to hear from you more in the future.