Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
So here is my question....Is it ok to caretake if it makes you happy and brings you joy? And at what point in caretaking is it just a nice way of saying that I am controlling everything and everyone?
I love to do things for other people. I used to caretake and control men all the time. I tried to say that I was just being nice by doing everything when actually I was doing it so that I could control the situation. I wanted everything done my way and when I wanted it done. Then I would blame others for me doing everything and them doing nothing.
Most relationships started out the opposite. I would allow the guy to do whatever he wanted and I would tag along like a puppy dog. Hoping to get him to like me. Show him how compatible I was with him. I would do all the things he thought I should do as a woman. I.e. laundry, dishes, clean house, cook, etc. I hated these things. They were not me, but I found myself continually doing them. Then I would slowly move in on his territory. I would tell him how to cut the lawn. How to fix the kitchen sink. How to buy a good car, etc. And in the end I was making all the decisions and doing all the work. The men were mostly escaping me to go to work.
In the last year I have learned a lot. I now let others do their own part. If they screw up, that is only MY opinion. I allow them to take their own responsibility. This is hard for me, but I do it now. I keep my mouth shut and really notice when I begin to take control again, and back off.
But part of me loves to make others happy and I now think of that as a joyful thing. If I do something for someone, I do it my way, and I take full responsibility and do not expect anything in return. It is just me and I am choosing to do it. No one is telling me to do it. So now more often than not, I find myself NOT doing as much. And I never do anything that makes me feel bad out of guilt anymore.
People have not stopped saying that I am a giving person, but they have added that I am a much more peaceful person. Not buzzing around so much all the time trying to please others.
Curious what your thoughts are.
I love to do things for other people. I used to caretake and control men all the time. I tried to say that I was just being nice by doing everything when actually I was doing it so that I could control the situation. I wanted everything done my way and when I wanted it done. Then I would blame others for me doing everything and them doing nothing.
Most relationships started out the opposite. I would allow the guy to do whatever he wanted and I would tag along like a puppy dog. Hoping to get him to like me. Show him how compatible I was with him. I would do all the things he thought I should do as a woman. I.e. laundry, dishes, clean house, cook, etc. I hated these things. They were not me, but I found myself continually doing them. Then I would slowly move in on his territory. I would tell him how to cut the lawn. How to fix the kitchen sink. How to buy a good car, etc. And in the end I was making all the decisions and doing all the work. The men were mostly escaping me to go to work.
In the last year I have learned a lot. I now let others do their own part. If they screw up, that is only MY opinion. I allow them to take their own responsibility. This is hard for me, but I do it now. I keep my mouth shut and really notice when I begin to take control again, and back off.
But part of me loves to make others happy and I now think of that as a joyful thing. If I do something for someone, I do it my way, and I take full responsibility and do not expect anything in return. It is just me and I am choosing to do it. No one is telling me to do it. So now more often than not, I find myself NOT doing as much. And I never do anything that makes me feel bad out of guilt anymore.
People have not stopped saying that I am a giving person, but they have added that I am a much more peaceful person. Not buzzing around so much all the time trying to please others.
Curious what your thoughts are.
I like to caretake a bit and I truly enjoy doing things for others but have learned to not go so far as neglect myself in the process. I love playing house. I love cooking, decorating, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping. I enjoy helping my Man with his wardrobe but that is where it stops. It wasn't always that way but I have really learned to step back. There was one BF who was such an absolute idiot that on my big 30th Birthday vacation I had to DRIVE the JETSKI we rented because he wasn't capable of driving it. He whined like a little girl the whole hour rental. I would have to tell him when to get out of the shower so he could get going and out the door so he wouldn't be late to his job. He was chronically late to work. He lost 2 jobs in the 2.5 years that we were together because of his personality. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?! I liked that would go along with whatever I wanted to do but after a short while it was a real turn off!
I am fully capable of making things happen but I need my partner to be the same way. I'll help with the stuff I enjoy but not to control him and not by neglecting myself. With this last BF - Me walking out and getting my own place has been the ANSWER! He has actually started on his "list" of things that he needs to make happen before I will ever consider living with him again. I wish we would have done this at the beginning of the relationship rather than jumping straight into the thick of it but oh well.
So the long & the short of it is this - I have sooooo been there! Oh my the stories I could tell you! I don't beat myself up fully though because I do like to help people and like doing domestic stuff. I watch myself very carefully now to make sure I keep it in check!!
Interestingly, this last guy was the first man I actually, actively WANTED to cook for in my life. I used to joke with my friends, "it must be love since I want to make food for him!"
I am so glad for you that you have reached that stage Shani...
i'm a master caretaker..... so bad. i caretake the crap out of everyone else and continue to neglect myself in major ways... the focus needs to be on myself.
i have a friend a close friend who did so much for her daughters they are completely incompetent to take care of themselves now leaving for college...it's crippling to the others and suffocating and based on our own needs that we caretake. in my opinion.
if you like to be of service go volunteer. if you like to caretake take care of yourself as you would him. if you are a parent realize caretaking your kids robs them of growing up and feeling competent.
in my personal experience, my boyfriends/husband didn't notice or appreciate all the shit i did for him anyway. i did it for regonition. that's what made me feel good. see how well i can take care of you and your every need?? he will never leave then right?? then when we broke up i'd wonder why?? i did EVERYTHING for him!!! no one could have taken better care of him than i did. it's all about the ego.