Maybe to turn this around you have to start with you. Sometimes we have to have a long look in the mirror and ask ourselves some difficult questions. What does commitment mean to you? What is it about you that doesn't deserve nice things around you? What does it mean if you let people close to you? I hope this group will help you, it has helped me enormously. Keep writing and reading.

Thank you for giving me things to think on. I will write those down and work hard on them. I can't wait until I'm on the otherside of this trying to educate someone else instead of the one desperate for answers. I don't trust myself to not find a guy who isn't afraid of commitment and so I won't look for anyone and instead will concentrate on deep thinking and learning but wow is it draining and painful. More advice is welcomed - I have lots to learn. Bring it on!

I would second LallyG's advice to start with you.

The reason we get involved with guys who cause chaos, drama, and feelings of inadequacy is often because we need a distraction from our own problems.

I think for a lot of WWLTM, we just do not know how to cope with our own problems, take control of our own lives, and spend time on ourselves. Instead we like to live vicariously through others. What we need to learn is these things. To learn how to cope with our own problems in a healthy way, to face them head on and deal with them. Learn strategies to manage life. Work on ourselves. This includes getting educated, building a successful career, and getting finances in order. Finding out what we truly like to do, so we can find hobbies and life goals that are truly meaningful to us.

We also need to learn what a healthy relationship is. Since you can't afford counseling, I highly suggest reading up all you can on abusive relationships. My favorite book on this is 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. Also, I suggest trying out Codependents Anonymous. The only requirement for membership is a 'desire for healthy and loving relationships'. I don't believe in God but I learned a tremendous amount in CoDA about boundaries and what healthy relationships are like.

Thank you so much for your advice. I welcome it and I've ordered secondhand books on amazon. I'm not sure if the man I'm emotionally involved with is abusive. I've known him for over 20 years and haven't been physically abused from him. I would describe him as more of a severe commitment phobic man. He draws me in but then backs off and he says he really cares about me but that he can't be anymore than friends even though his eyes and voice sound painfully like he wants more so I get drawn in. I've realized over these past few weeks of reading that I believe him - he can't love anyone. I've ordered many books to read on fear of commitment which through some reading I've realized I have passive fear of commitment and he has active commitment phobia. Do you think Lundy Bancroft books will help or is that a different category than what I'm facing? I'm starting to realize there are so many messed up relationships out there that I might just remain single and unattached and frozen to get in any relationship.

Ok. If the guy is more of a commitment phobe then you may want to start instead with "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/my-books/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/

I highly recommend checking out her website "baggage reclaim".

That being said, I still highly recommend reading "Why Does He Do That". There are many types of emotional abuse as well, and abusers who do fit the stereotype such as the "Mr. Perfect" or the 'Water Torturer". I think it's a must read. Maybe though doesn't need to be first on your list.

Working everyday on getting over a severe commitment phobic man. Something I want to share with all of you that has helped me this week. I joined several online dating sites (have to join to snoop and view them). After browsing them I saw a few men that I think I might be interested in and it taught me that there are men out there besides the current 'commitment phobic guy' that I'm obsessively thinking on. I'm closing out all of the online dating sites since I know I'm not ready. I still have alot of work to do on myself to be healed but it really did teach me that it's not impossible to let go of the one I can't have. The future doesn't look so bleak. Just wanted to share this technique because it helped me with maintaining hope that the a soulmate is still possible. Just not ready to date right now but the future looks more optimistic. Still need to read all of the secondhand books I ordered on letting go and growing myself first.