Hello and happy to have found this support group.

I'm in my mid thirties and look back on my relationships with partners that all had very similar underlying issues.

•Drug and Alcohol abuse

• Non Committal 

• Jobless or aspiring musician/ artist

• Narcissistic 

• unfaithful

• emotionally unavailable 

• Unmotivated or no direction 

• Irresponsible sex

• Liars

(To name a few)

I was married to an Alcoholic at the age of 21 our relationship lasted 9 years. Before my marriage I was reckless and promiscuous. Even in my teenage years. My first time having sex I was raped. I was 15 at the time and never told my parents cause I was ashamed to tell them. A few months later I was 16 and met my first boyfriend who was all red flags even the girls at my new HS said "Stay away from him." I ignored that and went along with him anyway. He introduced me to very alarming things such as casually taking GHB not even batting an eyelid. It was obvious I liked the attention and company he gave me but would lie to me, break up with me for a day to find out it was later to justify that he could not feel bad about sleeping with someone else. 

When not with boyfriends I would have one night stands or hook up with friends hoping they would want to be my boyfriend. 

I got really good at sex and disattached myself emotionally to the ritual trying to impress them with my experience.

Over the last 8 years since leaving my now ex husband I have entertained 4 different long term relationships. The last one ended 3 months ago and lasted under a year. This has been the most painful out of all of them but also the one that has wanted me to look deep inside me cause I obviously haven't been taking responsibility with where I stand. 

The last relationship was an emotional head fuck that looking back I put myself through hoping he would change.

We hadn't seen one another in 6 years, then we matched on tinder last summer. We had a one night stand while he worked in a pub I use to go to all those years ago and the sex was great but he clearly didn't want a relationship even then. 

So we met for a date and hooked up. He has the most wonderful quirky wit and sense of humor that you could ever imagine, its what gives him his alluring power. Over this past year we kept dating but he would say hurtful things like...

"This is just Casual" but then invite me go out with his Family, and visit at their house. He is nearly 40 and still does live with his parents who abused him and his siblings as kids horrifically by the sounds of things.

He and I would say I love you to each other but then tell me he didn't want a relationship even though it was obvious to anyone we were in one. He called me his companion, also said we were exclusive but then admitted that he slept with his ex girlfriend one night, the one night I didn't make it to his gig. All the while he kept saying he was no good. I forgave him and we continued on. 11 months in he wasn't changing his status with me, his mum said we were just friends with benefits.

I had enough.. Enough symbolically of everything that I had put myself through with loving men that saw no future, that I have been hurting myself for so long.

I'm finding it daunting going through my psyche with a therapist and reading books such as "Women who love too much." I  realise that I am addicted to dysfunctional characters that I want to help. 

I can't even see what it looks like or imagine being with someone who has their shit together and to have mutual love and respect and admiration for one another. 

I'm sure there are many out there that can relate but I have made a firm decision with myself to keep away from these destructive patterns where I leave myself emotionally crippled.

How do I keep going is there anything that has helped you find your new way?

I would like to know what a healthy relationship feels like before I die.