I can understand and appreciate the number 1.

and 2..... yup I have got to that point too.

Kuhu,

I love the idea of a basic state of peace and that comes from us not to us from others. I understand what you are saying here and I think that your revelations is powerful. We are distorted in what we think we need from men...there is no way that a man could possibly everything that we need him to be because no man can be all that we need. What we needed isn't even a real need most of the time. I love it and I will remind myself of it daily, and every moment. A basic state of peace. Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is the next step

Thank you for this post, it really hit home with me. I am on my second marriage and have had so many horrible, toxic relationships that I wish I could have just avoided. I have also cheated on everyone I have ever been with to try to fill that void within me. Selfish behavior for sure and did nothing but create more internal chaos for me.

Only YOU can make YOU happy.

I like the idea of the peaceful state also. I believe it to be true. I also like Need's comment about only YOU can make YOU happy. I think most of my problems with men and relationships have been MY problems. Because I have never worked on me I have a lousy picker. I pick guys who are emotionally unavailable and then EXPECT these guys to make me happy! Sounds funny doesnt it. I do believe not all men are the same as not all women are the same. I am hoping there are very healthy men out there who ARE emotionally available to enjoy my own happiness with!

Hi All,

The second step is to understand that we(read women) need both-- emotional support/indulgence where we want to talk how we feel..where the other person understands us....loves us...and everything we have been feeling since teenagers. We need men as well...and the mistake we do is we want both the things together....emotionally supporting man. Though it is not impossible...but right now...I am trying to simplify...so lets look at it this way....that emotional support is from a different source...say yourself...your close friend...it needs to be worked out. For instance on this forum if we find a friend or group of friends with whom we can share our emotional journey...or if we have a close group of friends. We need emotional support in our journey to better our lives and we need to get some. (will talk about men and what to expect in the next step..right now in this step lets try to get only that emotional support)
The biggest hinderance in getting emotional support is that we want that forever kind of emotional support. Hang on....that too will come..but as a preliminary step...just get whatever you can get.Share how you are feeling..speak up what are your worries..and try to be honest..true to yourself....
So the second step is seek emotional support...but not from guys for a while...share your journey of making your life a better one...

Kuhu,

What you are saying is ringing in my ear like a bell of truth. I get it, I really get it. I was just thinking that trying to talk to him about the changes I have been going through is impossible. So with the thought that I can get emotional support just not from him....how freeing. How absolutely freeing.

Step three...Men


Coming to men....whenever we experience a heartache..we decide..enough..I don't want any men now...but a few months or may be couple of years later the same thing happens..attraction..liking a guy and then same cycles of he doesn't understand me..he doesn't care for me...and blah blah blah. So we do need men also....but we need to be ready for it first...and that jouney we have to undertake alone...we need to be patient...We generally haave this tendency of doing everything right now...sort out differences , talk it out...RIGHT NOW...There is no sense of urgency...trust me...we will and we can attract suitable( not perfect) men only when we are fine.

So as step three we can assure ourselves that for now we will work on ourselves and for now we will not think of men..untill we sort our undertanding of ourselves and life.Taking our a few months without having to focus our lives around men is not a bad idea..trust me...

Wow Kuhu, where have you been, your advice is wonderful and timely !

Yes I agree with butterfly...Kuhu your advice is wonderful. It is exactly what I am doing. I was being told this by healthy women for the past 5 weeks, but until this week I was miserable because I was still thinking about him all the time. It sure is not easy to just be with yourself, but I am finally finding a little peace and life seems to be a little brighter. I am finally getting to work on ME without the MEN part. Men have pretty much been my whole life. It is time to get ME back in the picture. Thank you so much for your true wisdom.

Why do we ever try to manipulate or control or become too interfering or want attention.....are we really bad people...NO....we do all of this for we want the guy to be ours...stay ours...but all this draws him far...it doesnt work ...so we better learn from our mistakes...change ourselves....give space and have space...and leave rest to god....

I think its fear. I am afraid that if he leaves I will be all alone with me and I don't know me. The fear drives me to do things that only bring me harm but to face such deep dark fears is very hard. We also are creatures of habit. And if we have acted a certain way for many many years it is hard to change those ways over night. So I think being gentle with ourselves is a start.

Kuhu, your words "Understand that the kind of emotional indulgence we want is very difficult to be understood by men" have helped calm me down. Thank you.