Hi to everyone i have been away for awhile there might be some of you that remember my story but to cut it short.I received alot of support and advice here and at times in my journey of healing i was doing very well but i costantly broke contact here and there and decided that i had to change my life completey.I took a new jo in a different state away from family and friends so totally started again.I had to look inside myself and face my own demons.Its been the best thing i have ever done and ive even dated a few times,A year ago i felt so emotionaly trapped by xN that i never felt i would ever date again.I still think of him often but the memories do not bring me down as they once did.Now i need to be honest and say that Xn is a raging alcoholic and the last time i ever spent time with him he was not the best in health.2 weeks ago i made a stupid mistake and texted him just to see if he was okay.I missed a call from him due to being out that went to voicemail.It was nasty from him saying that i was bad and that i am no good.He called me evil which he often used too.I became really angry and thought how dare him after all this time just say something like that so i called him.He was really quite pleasant on the hone wanting to know how i am and where im now living etc.See that control thing.If ever i didnt answer the phone to him he would always leave a nasty message.The call ended okay with nil further plans by us both to contact anymore.Well it ended up a week of exchanges between us both of nasty text messages but im so dissapointed in myself that after so long i participated back into it.The end result being i work with black people in my job as well since i moved and in his last toxic text message he said i should get a hair transplant from a nigger so i can be one of them because thats all im worth.He then went on to say even more cruel disgusting things directed at myself which really made me realize what a sick,damaged human being he is.Maybe the alcohol has effected him so badly now i dont know but in my last message to him i told him i will never be contacting him again.I also told him that as a human being he is shameful and that to be so venomous towards someone that only ever cared about him i find hard to comprehend.I told him it will be a blessing when god takes him so his tortured soul can be in peace as he must have so much hatred and pain to be able to spew out the nastiness he did.I said God bless your soul.I feel horrible that i said this too him but he would often say that he does not care how long he is on the planet for and still continues to drink himself to death.Iguess im in a space where im finding it hard to comprehend that someone who once cared has got to such a state of hatred.As much as i truly dont wish him dead i do believe as i know him he will welcome the peace but im feeling bad that i told him it would just be better if god took him.He did not respond and i know for my own sanity i can never contact him again.Im sorry for this being so long and thank you for listening.