Nika, you have just described me! You are not alone, I too KNOW my guy has been lying to me and when I do eventually confront him about it he says i'm paranoid and he too is sick of the shit and MY maddness.

The thing is, because i'm so scared of his reaction, it takes me ages to confront him, so when I do i've wound myself up about it so much I'm unable to be calm, which gives him more reason to say i'm the mad one.

I too feel blind panic when he says he is going to leave me, I loose it and can't cope. I think mine stems back from when my dad had a stroke when I was three and had to go to hospital for months and my mum wasnt around becuase she was looking after him. When he did come back he wasn't the same (he lost his speech). So I think in some ways i'm still that three year old child unable to understand where my dad has gone.

Keep looking, you will find the answer. xx

Nika, what you are describing is that addiction to the feelings triggered when someone is going to leave you.... i.e in your eyes 'abandon' you , or that little girl in you who was once abandoned in childhood whethere literally or through witholding of affection.

Oops I meant to say, many ladies recommend the book ' From abandonment to Healing' and there is also a site for 'abandaholics' which totally recognises how we became this way. Check out the news articles on here also, there is an article or two I am sure on this . You are not alone Nika, many of us are coming off the 'drug' of our abandonment and learning how to take care of our inner child without relying on validation of monsters who use our involuntarily addiction to manipulate and control us. Until you are able to recognise your 'addiction' and susceptbility you will not be able to start the path to healing,

(((hugs))))))) 2Butterfly

Couldn't have put it better my self 2Butterfly. These feelings stem from abandonment and when we are scared of being abandoned we will put up with anything even abuse to stop ourselves being abandoned. What we need to learn is that adults can not be abandoned, only children. We need to address these feelings (from early childhood) by learning to re-parent ourselves in a very loving and compassionate way.
I have a beautiful short book called "The Black Swan - the 12 steps of abandonement recovery". I also have Abandonment to healing and taming the outer child. Try this site WWW.abandonment.net as it is a really good resource.

From my friend Pageo:

Ns use the illusion that promises ever lasting love and that ever lasting love (symbiotic relationship) would not be necessary if the original care taker, was able to do their job completely. It is that basic.

So the question I would ask is what IF every single person here had that need nourished in the beginning ... then what would a relationship look like?

What then would our needs be instead of busying ourselves with supplying the other person with attention and love energy? What if we loved ourselves from the roots on up and then branched out and connected with people?

Sure narcs take people for hell rides. But what drew me into the car and stay in the car has a lot more to do with that need not being fore filled in the first place.

Ns are not so attractive when we do not need what they are advertising... eternal love along with you and me are one. I feel at one with myself and then I relate ... no longer looking for the other person to help me ground and center.

Here is info on Susan Anderson:

Abandonment Recovery Component: Through training you learn how to:

Help people through the five stages of abandonment (Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting (SWIRL).

Practice techniques that heal abandonment survivors damaged relationship to self.
Practice Akeru - a mental exercise program for each stage of the SWIRL process.
Perform the 12 steps of emotional and spiritual healing.

Outer Child Component:

Target Outer Child patterns of self sabotage. Outer Child is an overarching concept that encompasses defense mechanisms, character traits, knee-jerk reactions, habits and compulsions - all of your maladaptive behavior patterns.

Identify Outers emotional triggers.
Connect dots between automatic defenses and primal abandonment fear.
Learn exercises that redirect attachment energy toward learning healthy new automatic behaviors.
Practice using new power tools to break through obstacles, change behavior patterns, and propel you forward.
Advanced Clinical Training: Through a combination of didactics and experiential training, you:
Discern acute abandonment crisis from chronic patterns such as mood or anxiety disorders, as well as long standing outer child patterns of self-sabotage.
Learn new information from neuro-science upon which new treatment approaches are built.
Distinguish normal (albeit intense) abandonment grief from the onset of major depression
Identify acute symptoms of the emotional crisis of abandonment, including:

Re-emerging symbiotic feelings
Increased risk-taking
Neglected self-care
Anorexia
Suicidality
Panic
Need to self-medicate
Borderline regression and other forms of acting out

Identify chronic (versus acute) symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. In Journey from Abandonment to Healing (pages 41-42) I outline a complete list of abandonments posttraumatic symptoms, which comprise what I have come to call the outer child syndrome.

Outer Child Syndrome:

Difficulty forming primary relationships
Rejection-sensitivity
Poor self-image
Addiction
Co-addiction
Chronic insecurity

Help clients work through tendency to get caught up in Outer Child patterns such as abandoholism or abandophobism, or stuck in one the five stages of abandonment grief.
Deal with the intense transference that our clients exhibit during their abandonment crises including (when their Outer Children are most triggered):

Over-dependence upon therapist
Hostility
Missing appointments
Unrealistic expectations toward therapeutic process, etc.

Discern clients tendency to temporarily revert to default defenses, i.e. becoming over-controlling toward the abandoner, punitive, self-abdicating, and other Outer Child maneuvers.

Help the still fragile, narcissistically injured abandonment survivor move beyond protest, blame, self-denial, and acting out, and on toward emotional self-reliance, behavioral change, and increased capacity for love.
Learn effective new tools experientially within the safety and open sharing of a supportive group process.

From this website:

http://www.abandonment.net/professionalTrainingFrame.html

I could relate of all of the outer child maladative behavior patterns that she lists.

2 techniques that Susan Anderson practices (that you can do on your own):

http://sserenity.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/abandonment-wound-healing-some-of-andersons-techniques/

And of course straight out of WWL2M:

3 Terrified of abandonment
You will do anything to keep the relationship in tact.
Abandonment is a strong word; it implies being left, possibly to die because we may not be able to survive alone.

Every woman who loves too much has experienced emotional abandonment. Being left by the man, or threatened to be left, brings up all the terror and emotional turmoil from the people who first abandoned us. We will do anything to avoid feeling that way. We will do about anything to make him stay.

No I won't do 'anything.' Not anymore. Don't know what's ahead, but I sure as hell won't go back and I want to make sure I never get caught in a relationship like that again.

Nika, those few words in your title line, 'Be with me. I'll do ANYTHING', are so packed with pain and fear. I know because I've felt it. Most of us have.

If that photo is you, you are very young. At 51 years old I wish I had addressed my issues back when I was young. I'd have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache. But hopefully I still have many years ahead and I want to take advantage of every resource to help ensure that I break these patterns.

(((((Nika)))))

Thanks for those posts, SusyP.

P

I'm 20 :) I think I've ended it and I feel much happier. When I told him what I know about his cheating, he totally IGNORED it. Like I didn't say anything. And called me a drama queen living in a soap opera. It was hilarious.

Read the post on being gaslighted. I suspect you'll see yourself there.

nika91... read the books that are recommended on this site. im in my 40s and wish i would have read ALL of them in my 20s! they open your eyes to pitfalls you never knew existed in life. I think they should be required reading for all women. not to scare anyone, just to keep them educated on manipulation and whats out there. i would have seen the signs way earlier. also, i personally wouldn't use your real photo, you never know what lurkers or people might find it...

Nika, I was just feeling the same. I am at work I rushed to this site to find comfort...he just told me I don't want this shit from you (back and forth). I went off the deep end, crying and screaming I love you. It took time for me to calm down. Yes, it is clearly our childhood. I just wish I could stay strong and move on...I pray someday I will.