Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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Merrylegsmom 04/20/2011

After reading many of these posts, I am dismayed and wander if there are any men who are truly accountable and capable of true love. They say all the right things, tell you they never loved like this before, you are their soulmate, but the red flags are there. I read Clarissa Pinkoloa Estes book Women who run with the wolves. The first story is about Blue Beard. It is so powerful, ladies. Read it! We ignore the blue beard, we have instincts. Somewhere we suppressed them. We open our hearts to toxic relationships. I am 46 years old and have done this three times, two with husbands and now with a lover who promised me to be the "real thing". I saw his blue beard, but ignored it. When I found out about lies, I ran. But later I let him back in. Saw him change some (he morphed to get me back). But then learn yesteday, after he tells me he loves me wants to spend the rest of his life with me and loves my children...hours later he picks up another girl. I am in deep pain. This is the third betrayal for me. Why don't I learn? I had such torment...knowing I wasn't trusting my gut instinct. Clarissa Pinkola Estes discusses this and how we lose it but how we can get it back. I am very alone...but I have to learn this time. My life has been a misery of pain and hurt and betrayal. This ex of mine found me soon after I left my second husband who I am convinced was a socipath. Last year, early in our relationship I learned my ex husband had molested my daughter at a very young age. My life was in pure chaos and I was so vulnerable. My most recent ex..was so worried I would never trust again. He went to greath lenghts to show me he loved me...overly attentive etc. Then I learned so many lies about him. I was devasted left him and read more about sociopaths. I was convinced he was one. He wouldn't own his lies. Then one day he owns his lies at least acted as though he did. Then I gave my heart again, but stayed guarded with my children. My children (teenagers) did not trust him and were distraught at the idea I would go back to a liar. I believed him. Then I think in some crazy way, an angel was sent to show me the truth. Yesteday, I sensed something was up. He wasn't available not responding. I thought something was wrong. I went to his house and he wouldn't answer door. There in his living room are another woman's shoes, keys and cell phone. Ha I saw him through the window...he tried to tell me it wasn't him... a friend.. that I was out of control. Then the blame game started...telling me I never gave him my love, I never showed the world I loved him. That he tried to show his love and prove his love to me. No remorse, not acknowldegement, no apologies..Just telling me I was so wrong...WoW it hurt so bad...I gave my heart again... WHY do we do this? I can only surmise..somewhere deep down I must not feel worthy..Why would I take a chance on a liar again? After all the destruction of trust, boundaries and knowing my vulnerabilites and to hurt me at my worst. WOW...this truly is sociopathic. I pray I will trust a good man someday....Ladies pray that I learn the lessons...I am here to grow with all of you. Thank you for letting me tell my story...my dark nights have to end.
Janeen

goingup 04/20/2011

Hello and welcome. I read Women who run with the wolves last year...its a great book!! I thoroughly remember the Bluebeard story and some other great ones (the ugly duck was another one I enjoyed). I am so, so sorry you have been through so much pain and hurt. These men have treated you horribly and its not your fault. I'm especially sorry to hear about what your ex hus did to your daughter. As you wrote, we do all have our reasons why we override our gut instincts. Many of us had bad childhoods where we were had to deny our feelings because they were too painful to live with. This is what caused me to deny my gut instinct regarding my ex (who like yours was a sociopath).
There is hope though. With therapy, posting on this wonderful board, and lots of education, you can learn to trust your own instincts again and be armed with the knowledge to protect yourself from predators in the future. This never needs to happen to you again.
To answer your question, I do believe there are healthy men out there. Its my opinion that they are rare and that is simply from experience. Yet they are out there.
Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you the best of luck. *hugs*

Merrylegsmom 04/20/2011

Thank you so much....The promise of hope and healing is much needed..
((((hugs))))

deleted_user 04/20/2011

Oh gawd @Merrylegsmom. My family history (not immediate) is riddled with incest and abuse, so I know of what you speak. I am so, so sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. I hope she is doing okay now.

I was in a very abusive relationship a decade ago and left with a baby, the child I am still raising now on my own. The cycle is very real and sometimes it is up to us to stop it, if we are lucky enough to leave.

I have decided to stop dating men, at least for the time being. I know there are decent ones out there, but as @goingup said, they are rare. I can spot an N a mile away now...the big grin, the fake charm, the intensity, the sense of entitlement. Don't mistake it for charisma, because it's not genuine energy, it's just smoke and mirrors to hide the rot.

Blueshoes2 04/20/2011

Welcome Janeen:
Make sure you do not believe the bullsh*t lies of "telling me I never gave him my love, I never showed the world I loved him. That he tried to show his love and prove his love to me. No remorse, not acknowldegement, no apologies..Just telling me I was so wrong" That is a completely common tactic of an N. Mine did the EXACT same thing, Imean it is amazing how much alike all these N's are. They will not take responsibility, they can not apologize because they can not handle shame, that is part of why they are an N. Having to admit they are wrong or did something wrong is shameful and overwhelming to them. If you ever get lucky enough to hear it from them, it is truly unlucky, beucase they will resent you for making them feel that they had to apologize. The only realson they aplogize is to gain something by it. It isn't worth hearing it from them becuase it will further push you apart. They can't stay with someone that they know, knows they are weak, shameful and can see through their fake veneer persona

Merrylegsmom 04/20/2011

Thank you booklizard. Yes, healing from sexual abuse is long and complicated. My sweet daughter suffers with depression but we continue to seek profiessional help. This pain is just beyond words. Making the most recent devastation of betrayal magnified in the backdrop of all we suffered the years before.
In any case, it is a cycle and the pain is always the same, just wandering why I don't learn. I made the decision last time and time before to never accept this kind of person in my life. Yes, they do a lot with smoke and mirrors..the key now for me is to listent to my instincts early on. Like you said, I will spot them and learn to run.. I like your point that they have a sense of entitlement...like they deserve more. It is always about them yet they cleverly tell you its for you about you etc. Very twisted psyche's. Your words of wisdom and experience are appreciated. It helps so much to be encouraged by others who have been dupped as well.

Blueshoes2 04/20/2011

And by the way, there are many of us who are staying away from men for a good long while and trying to heal and grow personally. You are not alone, we are all here to share our woes, are successes, are insights and venting...all of it! Welcome!

Blueshoes2 04/20/2011

oh yes, one more thing..INSTINCTS is the #1 lesson that I learned from my ordeal. I will never NEVER again not pay attention to my instincts.

Merrylegsmom 04/20/2011

2Blueshoes...wow so helpful I needed that encouragement. I received calls from him today telling me I was crazy etc. That he loves me never hurt me and I am imagining this. OMGosh..amazing..these personality disorders are scarey stuff. good point you make regarding the shame and the inability to accept responsibility. I am grateful for your words of wisdom..DON"T believe the sh#t. Truth is I believe over and over, not instantaneously but I allow them in slowly and they manipulate. THank you !!!!

Merrylegsmom 04/20/2011

Yes and YEs and Yes to listening to our instincts. The book I mentioned in orginal post really woke me up. Now time to listen and heed. (hug)

artgrrl 04/21/2011

Stay strong. Believe it or not you will probably still be tempted to go back at some point. I know I was. I've been away from my ex-b/f for almost a month and a half, and I still crave him sometime. It's an illness. Hang in there. There are, indeed decent men out there--I haven't been involved with any so far, though (unfortunately).

Merrylegsmom 04/21/2011

Artgrri...thank you for the encouragement. Yes, I do crave him. I crave the initmate moments where he persuaded me I was his princess and his world. The words that we all want to hear. I think as I am trying to look at my patterns and what I gravitate to there is probably some unmet need (feeling unloved) in myself. Otherwise, why would I want to go back to the pain. Yes, the words and so called actions made me feel loved, but the lack of accountability and other evidence should be enough to make me RUN. Thank you..this is why I am here. I have slipped back before. I have allowed sociopaths/N's to convince me that they were genuine. Hmm? Perhaps, fear of rejection is why I clinged so tightly to a man that was not worthy of me.Thank you again.

snowy22315 04/21/2011

although it may not seem that way sometimes merrylegs there are good men out there. I have some of them in my family. It is just me who seems to get hooked up with the crazies, obviously I have issues.

Merrylegsmom 04/21/2011

Snow22315...I wouldn't say you have issues. We just lost our instincts or ignored them. I too, over and over fell into this patter. How could I be so successful in the rest of my life, but in relationships I pick the N's or Sociopaths. I decided not to label myself as having issues. More like an addict who relapses. We need the love or comfort (illusion of love)..It's going to be along haul but I am determined to never relapse again. I forgive myself first. I wanted to feel loved and that doesn't mean we have issues. I am a confident woman who has a lot going for her. I just enjoyed the attention and feeling of being loved (illusion). Together..we will heal..I am so glad I came to this site..it truly is helping me. Wamest wishes to you and thanks so much.

deleted_user 04/23/2011

There are absolutely healthy men available. My sister is married to a lovely, kind, and wonderful man. My best friend's husband is amazing and supportive.

I see it all the time. According to Robin Norwood the only purpose for relationships is to wake is up and show us what needs to be healed.

I know that I continued to end up in bad relationships because I was not done handling my own issues. I met a Narcissist, decided he was every thing I ever wanted, completely lost myself in that relationship and allowed him to wipe his feet on me as if I was a doormat. My issues, my willingness to accept crumbs and cruelty in exchange for an allusion instead of a true partnership.

deleted_user 04/23/2011

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