Sorry to read this -- that sounds awful. But what is the cause of the panic?

Sunny big hugs and sending you lots of support. Please call a crisis line. And please remember: this too shall pass. I think the best thing to do would be to stay home and try to be alone and then call a crisis line. Please tell your husband you are having a panic attack and you need space. If he doesn't understand that is his problem. Do what you need to do for you. Or if you are someone who loves nature, maybe find a place in nature where you can be alone. Curl up in a blanket and just let the episode pass. When you feel past the crisis mode perhaps what you can do is run a nice bath or make a nice cup of tea, something soothing.

I would add: most countries have free crisis lines you can call. I really recommend getting in touch with them. In my experience they have always been very nice and understanding.

Please keep us updated throughout the day on how you are feeling. Sending you big hugs x

I was better by about 3pm.
Im not good at using the phone, I'm quite phone-phobic!

It was a horrible morning, no idea what the trigger was.
I m exhausted by it.
xxx

So glad to hear you are feeling better. If the phone is not for you, that's perfectly ok. Do whatever you feel is right for you. I hope you can get some rest now. x

sunny, that happens with panic.....it seems to come out of th e blue. there is probably some tension going on that effects your breathing which leads to panic....

when you have this experience just get to a safe place and wrap yourself in a blanket and turn on some soothing music and make a nice cup of tea.....not honoring yourself i think makes it worse and makes it last longer.......

remember the goal. to be compassionate with yourself and to seek safety. also to do for yourself what you would do for your daughter...

can you try to tell your husband you need a time out today. and then go take care ofyrouself= when that happens?? he can't say no sunny....if he does you can say well i have to go to the bathroom and then just go and stay in there as long as you need to. send your inner child little jax the message that you are going to take care of her and keep her safe now. and then do that. do whatever it takes.

i'm sorry you had a shitty day. some days will be better than others... i would plan for that....make a plan for the bad moments and panic moments and stick to your plan....

I did tell him I was having a bad day, with shaking in bed. I was emotional and fighting back tears over lunch, I told him I was struggling and having a bad shaky day….he said, is that because you coloured your hair red?!!

I just looked at him!

So yes next time I will know what to do, thanks everyone.
I took a sleeping tablet and went to bed early. They are for my hip pain ( I have Bursitis from over exercising, I was a competitive power walker. ) and today I feel better.
xxx

Hi sunny. Do you get anything good out of this relationship? I think you said before you're a little uncertain that you can wing it on your own. You've suffered with this man for years due to that fear. Have you conSidered finding a little job to get you away from him and help you have a feeling of independence? We can not let our lives center around another person to the exclusion of our own needs.

Im not sure its him.
Im not in a state of mind to make such a rational decision…but I know I am getting worse as time goes by….more stressed, less confident.

I know he is not helping me in this but I don't want to leave to find out the issues were with me all along, I know a lot of them are.
He is a very self centred person, I used to think he was a Narc, but I have learnt so much about myself from the ladies here Im not so sure.

Having my own car would change my life. I had my car when we met but he sold it while I was out one day with the promise of another sometime. My life style before was one of complete independence. I came and went as I pleased, met friends, saw artist groups. He is semi retired and self-employed. If I was happy with this lifestyle Im sure many people would be. I struggle with the guilt! I don't need to work. When he gets free time we go out or away for a weekend somewhere. He demands nothing of me except I am available for this…..

When we first got together he offered me the gift of being able to work on my art career, but I am a wreck.

we have staff come into our home every day except Thursdays. I work for him too doing marketing and graphic design. The rest of the time is supposed to be my own(!) I have the use of a car, but I have to ask permission. I cannot take my artwork anywhere as I can't fit it in his executive car! SO that leaves me having to hire a van or people carrier and to be honest it adds to the cost and puts me off. This life should be good for me but I just cannot relax and enjoy it. I feel on edge and on show all the time.

I m also massively insecure about him cheating as he had an 8 year affair with his last office manager and cheated on all his wives. He mentioned his last office manager today and I went into panic mode. He was friends with her husband and ,his wife at the times, best friend too. Horrible to me, no integrity. completely dishonest.

So there is a lot wrong with this and him, but tons more wrong with myself. I feel I have to try and get a grip on myself first before I can make a decision about him. I need some strength.
some peace would be so lovely.
some privacy is essential to me I think.
anyway it goes on….

sunny. oh dear. i see you still desperately trying to make this work with him and negating your own experiences of him. please tell me where i'm wrong. we cannot diagnose him as narcissistic but we can ALL probably tell you he treats you VERY BADLY (these are my words but he is horribly emotionally abusive sunny) and that is NOT okay. i know i am guilty of saying keep the focus on yourself and i have done that not to make him seem innocent but for you to build your own life outside of him so you are strong enough to say no to him. if you have a little job and cannot go away on one weekend then you miss out on that weekend but you can weigh the benefits to having that job.

you may never leave him and i don't judge you for that. no one judges that sunny. but please be clear that it is safe to ssay after all of the examples you have given that it is him!!!! your part is in your refusal to hold him accountable and you continue to expect yourself to be someone you are not. to bend yourself inside out to conform to him and his rules and his ideas and his needs. it's really what you are doing to yourself is not really okay either. it's not right. it would be so hard to be your best friend to watch you not only put up with a whole bunch of shit but diminish, discount, your own existence to be with him.

it's very sad to me. you are such a great person with so much going for you and you have been abused and are being abused and you are seeing it as your fault. sunny. i wish so much you could find your power that we all know you have to kick the shit out of the lies you have been told that you seem to accept as truth..

i do hear some ambilanence in your posts, i hope. i know on some level there is a flicker and that you know some of the stuff your husband says is ridiculous. you're having a bad day b/c you dyed your hair red!!!!! so are you going to change it back to blond??? or are you going to be fierce and wear that red hair with your head up high????? and when it fades.... dye it red again (if you yourself like it and it makes you feel good)??? can you see that his comment is a sneaky way to put you down?????????

i was just surprised when you wrote that you've learned from the ladies here that the problem is with you and not your husband????? the problem, as i see it, is your choice to be with someone who does not feed and nurture or support you and then b/c he doesn't you take that responsibility as something wrong with you!!!???? how did that get so twisted?????????

i pray for you sunny all the time. i know you don't do the god or spirituality thing and that's okay....i just hope you know how much i root for you.....

what can you commit to sunny?? what one thing can you do today to honor yourself?? a little very little thing??? what are you willing to do to get well???? you don't have to make any decisions about leaving today i think we are saying just be clear that the only thing unhealthy about you is your choice to stay in an unhealthy relationship and allow this man or anyone to put you in a box takin your life away from you while you stand by and believe it is YOU!!! can you share with us one good thing about yourself??? can you share with us a time you said no to your husband or a time you asked for something???? even if it dint' go well??? having the courage to do that deserves celebration~ we want you to celebrate your successes....

i know we all probably go through periods of time when we feel really "sick" and "broken" and "out of control" or at least i know i had that.....and from there i learned from the women here that the only thing broken about me was my choice in men. once i let him go and stopped trying to make the relatiobhship work and just focused on my own wellness i found my power. you are moving forward i think but in order to do that sunny you are going to have to face your very painful reality and that could be why it feels like you are getting worse...the denial is dropping and you are realizing this doesn't work for you.......parts of it do work and parts of it don't.......and that is actually huge work and forward movement!!!!!

swelsha said something to me one time that burned in my mind when i was feeling STUCK IN THE MUCK, or broken or like the one with all the problems or like you're getting worse....it became my mantra....JUST KEEP SWIMMING...............just keep swimming.......

Finn, when I first came here I used to post all the time about why why why does he do this? why does he do that?…you all made me realise I need to look at why I allow it and why I am still with him and slowly I came to realise the issues start with me…..why I am with him in the first place.
I agonise over what makes him think this is ok rather than looking at why I accept it.
Thats all I meant.
x

I'm still thinking about the rest….

oh phew! that makes much better sense!!

Been thinking about what i have done to stand up to him. The only thing I can really think of is our honeymoon.
I didn't want a big wedding with lots of people, I just wanted to go and do the paperwork….he wanted a big celebration. I wore a dress he chose that I hated. I felt awkward. He had said I couldn't have flowers but I had some made out of resin. but I put my foot down over the honeymoon, which we took all the children on for a week. That wasn't my idea either.!
But he wanted to go to Calpe where he had been every year for 15 years with his last wife and son. I said no. I wanted to find our own special place. …it was a battle.
Then went we went to Mercia he must have said at least three of four times a day ' we would have had a better time in Calpe'. He hurt his foot on day 2 and couldn't walk around much. I did wonder at the time if it was some sort of attention seeking behaviour…?!

I have let everything happen that is wrong with my life. I have let it all, due to my fear of conflict I just kept it to myself. If I ever fought with him I would be cold shouldered for days and in crisis panic mode for that time. So I avoid that., its unbearable.
x

little things too. like you didm' twang to go to that restaurant tonight or you wanted to sleep in or you wanted coffee instead of tea....any thing no matter how big or small...b/c if you believe you can start making tiny little stands to him they will add on to each other and the courage will add up and your strength will add up. you don't have to get a car today. just think about making a little stand every day. however small or big. what do u you think??? could you start that way???? and then when you do sunny please celebrate that.

you said earlier you moved an easel. you said you made a doctor's appt.....those are stands you are taking for your own best interest............whether he agrees or not you did it anyway!!!! that may be an approach that you can take....you are already irritated and wanting to buck out so keep the momentum rolling. if you don't take a stand for yourself one day don't beat yourself up just make a smaller stand the next day...... then be patient. be consistent. you will see a change if you just do this every day a day at a time. no stress... no anxiety. baby steps.

it's a classic narcissist thing to be the one to decide where you are going as a couple and all the terms about it. and if he doesn't get his way it's classic that you would pay in some way!!! do you know in my relationship my last one i NEVER picked a restaurant?? i did once. we went in and sat down and got our water and menus and i was thrilled!! and he looked at me in his abusive way and i knew we better leave. so we left. the only other time i picked taco bell over mc donalds he went off on me in the car...over a sleeping bag that was in the back seat behind me. it was coming out of the stuff bag...a little bit and he went bananas on me while i was driving.

classic.

When we go to restaurants, on our first date even, he chose the restaurant and ordered for me while I was in the ladies room.! RED FLAG!!!

I jdid just made a teeny stand….in the supermarket…we packed up our food for a BBQ - not much just say two carrier bags full. He then divided the groceries into two bags and handed me the bigger one….!!!

Now Im sorry but to me the guy carries the shopping. My Dad would never let my Mum carry shopping, nor would my last 3 Husbands. Especially as he knows the weight makes my hip so much worse….
So I looked at him and said …jeez man, treat me with some respect. do you seriously want me to carry the groceries for YOU! He then got the right hump, moody wouldn't talk. Me I don't care, I walked home swinging my damn arms so freeee!!! lol! He's making me pay now though….

YAY!! THAT"S HUGE SUNNY!!!!! it makes me laugh!! girl power!!! even though he's making you pay you didn't cave so DON'T CAVE NOW!!!!! let him pout like a little boy!