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WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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Another Emotionally Unavailable Man

lucidak
lucidak
I started dating online again and three weeks ago, met this lovely man with whom I felt an instant connection. 5 days later he text me to say he couldn't handle a relationship. Then on Christmas Eve he text me again and we met up one more time and he said he wanted a relationship again. I said ok, but less than 24 hours later I felt his withdrawal again. Having read a lot of material on this forum about emotionally unavailable men, I thought :"here we go again with the classic push me pull me thing again". He cancelled our next meeting and then when I asked if we could reschedule, he came back saying he couldn't do it because even the thought of a relationship stressed him out and he was more comfortable on his own. Today I made him promise he would not try to contact me again and I hope he keeps his promise.

I just wanted to share this with you because despite all that I have learnt this past little while, I am still attracted to broken men that need fixing, but at least now I am beginning to see the patterns very early on and understand how much damage it would do to me to be with someone like that.

I thought for a brief little while that he must be my soulmate because that was how comfortable I felt with him, like I had finally come home. We probably have encountered each other in past lifetimes, but he still hasn't reached the necessary point in development for us to be with each other. It is incredibly sad to cross paths with someone like that and then to let them go.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi lucidak, I totally understand what you are saying... but do congratulate you on your Red Flag ID's... that is proof positive that you are on your healing journey. The Push/Pull 'game' can only lead down one road, and not a good one for women like us who are so vulnerable & repeatedly attracted to damaged/emotionally unavailable men. Far better to take yourself as far away from this guy as possible, and stay away, so that you dont get hurt again. It is too easy for WWLTM to fall in love with someone for what you think they MIGHT be able to offer you EVENUALLY!!! ... but in reality it is only the hard route applying what we have learned about them and ourselves which will ultimately bring a truly good, emotionally mature, decisive, open and available man to you which is the best option by far. Be strong, dont be sad ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) 2Butterfly
lucidak
lucidak
Thank you 2butterfly. You give me strength. I am still crying, but really thankful that I stumbled across the WHLTM book and as a result found this website. At least I know I am following an old pattern in my life........Another member on here told me about most of us women on here probably being Empaths and I have read up a bit on the topic. Now I understand it this extreme empathy that draws me to these kind of men. It is like metal to a magnet, the force is stronger than I can control.
To be honest I don't know if I will recognise an emotionally available man even if he was to bump right into me at some point:).......
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am an Empath, and have found a lot of wisdom and understanding of who I truly am by exploring this aspect of me. I dont doubt many, many of us WWLTM are indeed Empaths and we have to travel our individual healing roads to learn how to manage what is in fact , a Gift. Our lack of boundaries and endless amounts of compassion , unconditional love and unique ability to feel and interpret what others are feeling makes us prime targets for emotionally vampiric Path. Ns..... we are easy to 'feed off of' for them and that is what attracts them like exocet missiles to us. For those of us who are Empaths, we are learning how to develop our boundaries, and cleanse our auras from negative energies which we absorb like sponges, we have to be constantly aware of ourselves, our feelings, our instincts and practice cleansing of our auras as often as we would brush our teeth! Whether we use singing bowls, candles, smudging sticks, feathers, crystals .... we must be mindful to cleanse ourselves and our surroundings from the negative vibrations of others . Be gentle with yourself Lucidak, and learn what you can about your Empath self to help protect you in any future relationships. (((((((hugs))))))) 2Butterfly
goingup
goingup
Good for you for recognizing the red flags early on! A huge sign of progress.

I think as well, I am still attracted to men who are unhealthy. THOUGH it is much easier now for me to spot them and walk away. It is hard because we can't help our feelings. There is also someone I'm interested in and despite my growing attraction, like you, I have seen some red flags that have made me uneasy. And the hard part now (like you) will be walking away. Like you say, it is very sad to let these people go. I too feel like I have a connection with this guy. But it damages us to be with guys like this. Because we are WWLTM, these men start overtaking our thoughts and minds and soon we have no healthy life of our own.

I have learned from Sandra Brown's excellent book 'HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN' that *our reactions* to men are great indicators of whether they are good for us are not.

If he makes you feel calm, composed, peaceful, he is good for you.
If he makes you feel nervous, all over the place, anxious, he is not good for you.
If you feel more inspired about your goals, life, and hobbies, he is good for you.
If you want to drop your hobbies to think about and be with him, he is not good for you.

Things like this can help us I think. Best of luck in the dating scene x
lucidak
lucidak
2Butterfly: It is amazing to be in a place where I can talk about being an Empath know I can be understood. I have heaps to learn about cleansing my aura, but have been practicing some Buddhist Chanting for the past year or so.

Also had an interesting experience yesterday; the guy I had dated for 6 months and broken off with about 2-months back came for a visit. Somehow the timing felt right and I felt I could handle it. And I did. We shared a drink, had dinner and then went for a movie and didn't get home till midnight. And I realised as long as I didn't have any physical contact with him, I couldn't "feel" his energy. Throughout our relationship I had been like an extra appendage on his body needing to touch him all the time. Now I know that was to stay connected with him. But yesterday by keeping my distant, I could enjoy the time I spent with him and not be caught up in his feelings again. Of course it was a bit boring because he is a classic example of an emotionally unavailable man and without me being able to feel his energy he was not as interesting as he used to be:) I don't know if we can be safely friends on a long term basis, but as a one off, I managed to get a whole lot of learnings from it.

goingup:Thank you. It is good to have someone else understand exactly what I meant. I like the indicators you listed. The funny thing is, being with this man I wrote the post about makes me feel like I have finally come home. I think the problem for us is he is a fellow Empath and he can't handle my emotions. I had a few negative experiences and I used him as a lifeline via text......He just withdrew completely from me.