Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Why, oh why, does this keep happening to me? Why does it seem like everyone has it together but me?
I just recently broke up with my, I guess I could call him, boyfriend. We had been seeing each other for about a year. I knew in the beginning that he was a drug dealer. YES a drug dealer. But he assured me that he wanted to stop. He was soooo welcoming and nice to me and the children. Nothing was too much. He was so kind and loving and patient. He was honest with me. He seemed to love me so much. We would talk on the phone for hours. We couldn't go a day without being with each other. But then I began to notice changes. But then he began to tell me that he was not what I needed or wanted. I had recently changed jobs and the schedule had become horrific for me and the children. I was working long hours and the children were eating late, going to bed late and having to wake up early. My manager seemed like she had gotten her degree from The university of evil! It took a lot out of me. He never wanted to hear about my "bad day" or what happened at work. He only wanted me happy ALL of the time. That, I could not do. I didn't want or need him to fix the problem. Just be a friend, like he was in the beginning. He started suggesting things like "just leave your job" or "just let the house go". For a man with a 2 yr old son and no one depending on just him telling that to a formerly homeless, divorced mom of two with one income to "just leave the job' was a kick in the face. How could he not understand?
So one weekend we go away. Oh, did I mention that he found God while still selling drugs? Anyways, we have this great weekend. We have a nice dinner. Then he mentions the hotel next door and how we shouldn't drive way back but spend the night. We talk for hours, watch TV the end up telling each other how much we love each other. PERFECT weekend :)
Less than two weeks later, I log on to my FB account to see that he has posted a link to Brian Mcknight's "Never Felt Like This Before". And he dedicated the link to "my future wife. She knows who she is" I thought that was soooo sweet! So I text him " i hope she makes you happy *wink* And he texts back, I'm sorry I was meaning to tell you. WHAT?!! He was already calling someone else his future wife?!! What just happened?! He said that God brought them together. BTW, did I mention that he said he prayed for me b4 I met him ?(UGH!!) And that he doesn't know why God was moving things this way. My luck, ending up with Deacon Dealer.
Now I have all these bad feelings for him. I secretly wish that he gets caught dealing and gets arrested. I pray that she breaks his heart in pieces so he can feel the pain that he made me & my children feel. Now he has pictures posted on them on FB kissing. He has her listed as the person he' sin a relationship with. While I looked past his imperfections and insecurities, he blew mine WIDE OPEN! I just want the pain to stop. I REALLY want him to suffer the way I did. I know it's not right but it's what I feel. And now I can't help but feel like I deserved it because I'm such a bad person and she's perfect and "holier than I am" . And they're happy and I'm alone and miserable.
I just recently broke up with my, I guess I could call him, boyfriend. We had been seeing each other for about a year. I knew in the beginning that he was a drug dealer. YES a drug dealer. But he assured me that he wanted to stop. He was soooo welcoming and nice to me and the children. Nothing was too much. He was so kind and loving and patient. He was honest with me. He seemed to love me so much. We would talk on the phone for hours. We couldn't go a day without being with each other. But then I began to notice changes. But then he began to tell me that he was not what I needed or wanted. I had recently changed jobs and the schedule had become horrific for me and the children. I was working long hours and the children were eating late, going to bed late and having to wake up early. My manager seemed like she had gotten her degree from The university of evil! It took a lot out of me. He never wanted to hear about my "bad day" or what happened at work. He only wanted me happy ALL of the time. That, I could not do. I didn't want or need him to fix the problem. Just be a friend, like he was in the beginning. He started suggesting things like "just leave your job" or "just let the house go". For a man with a 2 yr old son and no one depending on just him telling that to a formerly homeless, divorced mom of two with one income to "just leave the job' was a kick in the face. How could he not understand?
So one weekend we go away. Oh, did I mention that he found God while still selling drugs? Anyways, we have this great weekend. We have a nice dinner. Then he mentions the hotel next door and how we shouldn't drive way back but spend the night. We talk for hours, watch TV the end up telling each other how much we love each other. PERFECT weekend :)
Less than two weeks later, I log on to my FB account to see that he has posted a link to Brian Mcknight's "Never Felt Like This Before". And he dedicated the link to "my future wife. She knows who she is" I thought that was soooo sweet! So I text him " i hope she makes you happy *wink* And he texts back, I'm sorry I was meaning to tell you. WHAT?!! He was already calling someone else his future wife?!! What just happened?! He said that God brought them together. BTW, did I mention that he said he prayed for me b4 I met him ?(UGH!!) And that he doesn't know why God was moving things this way. My luck, ending up with Deacon Dealer.
Now I have all these bad feelings for him. I secretly wish that he gets caught dealing and gets arrested. I pray that she breaks his heart in pieces so he can feel the pain that he made me & my children feel. Now he has pictures posted on them on FB kissing. He has her listed as the person he' sin a relationship with. While I looked past his imperfections and insecurities, he blew mine WIDE OPEN! I just want the pain to stop. I REALLY want him to suffer the way I did. I know it's not right but it's what I feel. And now I can't help but feel like I deserved it because I'm such a bad person and she's perfect and "holier than I am" . And they're happy and I'm alone and miserable.
So sorry for your pain! I had a simular thing happen to me with my ex, and it does leave you asking why. First of all I want to encourage you not to put yourself down in terms of the OW being "perfect" (nobody is by the way!). The fact that he did this has everything to do with him and who is is (or isn't) as a person and has not reflection on who you are as a woman. You sound like you do have your stuff together and like you have come a long way to make a better life for you and your children. The second thing, is I would recommend that, if you have not read "How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra Brown, you do so asap. That book blew me away and has really helped me understand and put a lot of things into perspective. Try not to beat up on yourself, and be glad that the real him was revealed sooner rather than later. Wishing you peace, strength, and blessings.
I would strongly suggest you read the book this board was named after Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood AND How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown ASAP.
This man was a dangerous man, who let you know right up front that he was insanely dangerous and yet we are so desperate and lonley that we decide to overlook the most significant of red flags and then wonder how we end up doubled over in pain.
I don't know who his future wife is, but I hope one day that you will be able to deeply bless her and thank you for allowing you to see that you were dealing with a horrible, lying, cheating man that does not deserve to be in you or your childrens life.
RE: I pray that she breaks his heart in pieces so he can feel the pain that he made me & my children feel.
The more you know about a pathological man the more you will know that they 'attach' and not bond. Not to you and not to anyone. What happend to you is called: the devalue and the discard.
They throw people away like a used kleenex because they can. They have no ability to bond or love. Should she leave him before he is done using her, he may become ENRAGED because he is no longer in control, but don't you worry about him getting his heart broken. They have no heart to break.
It is all about us and the nonsense we are willing to tolerate in the name of 'love' and not really about them at all. So it is time to take inventory to how we end up with these kind of men and make sure it does not happen again.
Good luck.
You cannot imagine how much weight I put into this man and what he thought about me. I was soooo crushed. And now he as posted a profile pic of him kissing her. Like a kick in the face. But I will continue to try and find strength. I hate the feeling that they are behind my back laughing at me like I'm the fool. I hate that feeling. But there is nothing I can do now but move on. Which I know is the best choice.
Thanks again. Wishing you both continued strength....
They may or not be laughing at you, but you have the last laugh because you got away from him and she is going to get feel the wrath of falling for a pathological.
Though never ever forget: Narcissists are excellent at disguising their intentions and most people do not see their inappropriate behavior UNTIL they are attached to the narcissist. Narcissists are outstanding at managing their behavior while securing narcissistic supply. When people say narcissists cannot control themselves, just think back to their amazing performance during courtship.
Each personality disorder has its own set of behaviors and additionally, pathology is related to:
a. The inability to change
b. The inability to grow to any emotional depth
c. The inability to develop deep insight about their behavior and how it effects others
So once you understand the behaviors related to the personality disorder then you apply the Absolutes of Pathology the inability to change, grow, or develop insight and you can take his behavior now and apply it to the future in ANY relationship. His behaviors related to his specific personality disorder are PERMANENT.
How long did your relationship last? A few weeks, months or maybe a year or even more of okness? What happened next? Oh yeah, you found out his lies or noticed his inconsistency, or asked him to work, or caught him cheating, or got tired of the verbal abuse. Once you confronted him then you got the narcissistic rage, then maybe the aloofness, or maybe he even packed up and left.
Guess what is going to happen to the new girlfriend AGAIN? There will be the honeymoon for her, then she will notice his lies, inconsistency, ask him to work or catch him cheating (porn counts), then she will eventually confront him (or live forever with the miserableness of knowing what he is doing and not having the ovaries to confront him) and then hell rage, punish her, reject her, ignore her and/or leave.
Well, I am trying to protect myself from becoming one more tear on the trail of tears of another pathological.
To further explain to Repetitive Compulsion Disorder: scientists have conducted experiments with lab rats proving this condition. A rat is given a button sequence to extract pellets and quickly works out how many times he needs to nose push to receive a meal. The number of pushes may be altered daily and the rat will work out the number required. If, however, the button is changed to random the rat becomes agitated and frenzied. He will repetitively push and push the button scattering pellets all over the floor, and ignore all other distractions in his cage. Why? Because his sense of stability is threatened.
The same occurs in narcissistic relationships. Love partners become hooked to the narcissist because emotional stability is unobtainable. Women go in harder trying to create a set result. This is why poker machines hook people. Women become severely addicted to narcissists, pushing the button all the way to their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bankruptcy. Morbidly and dangerously they become so empty and powerless that they can barely perceive a life without the narcissist, and spiral into a deep dark pit. In essence the victim feels and becomes the annihilating depression that the narcissist avoids by feeding off her energy. He has taken your light and you have become his darkness
^^^This sums up exactly how I felt the relationship went. I feel like when I was to a point where he had taken all he could get out of me, it felt like I had been raped and now the rapist was disgusted with me. It's an awful feeling. I have never really looked at my situation (s) as described above. I have bookmarked this page on my BB browser and I read it throughout the day. It helps me stay focused until I can get my hands on those books. Thank you again so much. Your insight is greatly appreciated.