I know what you mean, my ex and I used to share a checking account and I still have access to view his activities. I hate to admit it but I do still look to see what he's up to. He's drinking all day, everyday, whether it's the liquor store or a bar. He just drinks and he is going to die because he has pancreatitis. Either way, he knows what he is doing is wrong and he continues to do it. They are so unpredictable that it is hard to say what is causing what. He is just trouble and I feel sorry for him but I have accepted that I can't help him or change him.

What difference does it make which one he is? When people are heavy into their addictions they are extremely Narcissistic. Most Personality Disordered individual have a myraid of addictions and depression issues on top of their very rigid personality which will not allow for change.

Many of the women on this board met their exes in recovery rooms. They over came their addictions but were still controlling and abusive men.

So addict, disordered or both - still does not = a healthy relationship.

The main question to ask is, "Does this person HURT ME and OTHERS?"

If they do, then it doesn't really matter if they are NPD, BPD, Histrionic, AsPD, sociopathic, psychopathic, malignant narcissists, or wolves-in-sheeps-clothing. They are pathologically self-invested and indifferent to their hurtful impact on other people.

Here is the list of the 8 dangerous men: From the book: How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown

THE PERMANET CLINGER:

He is a needy, victim based man will give a woman a lot of attention in return for his needs being met all the time. He fears rejection above all else, so he is jealous of other people in your life. He will ask you give up your outside life and make your world revolve around him. He will try to convince you that he has been wounded and that you can heal him with your love if you will focus only him.

THE PARENTAL SEEKER:

He wants a parent, not a partner. He needs you so much. In fact, he needs you to run his life for him. He has a difficult time doing adult things like working, completing chores, making decisions, being consistent, or paying his bills. He may give you lots of attention, but he will function very poorly in the real world.

THE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABE MAN

He is married, separated, engaged, dating someone else or just breaking up with someone. He usually presents himself as currently unhappy with or not quite out of a relationship, but he is willing to have you on the side. Another type of emotionally unavailable man is the man who is preoccupied with his career, educational goals, or hobbies to the exclusion of ever having a true interest in a long term relationship.

With the emotionally unavailable man, there is always a reason why he cant fully commit to you, but he is usually happy to keep stringing you along. After all the situation is still convenient for him as long as you are willing to keep seeing him or sleeping with him on a casual basis despite the fact that he can not or will not get involved in a serious relationship with you.

THE MAN WITH A HIDDEN LIFE

He has undisclosed other lives that might include women, same sex partners, children, jobs, wives, life threatening addictions, criminal behavior, disease or other histories that remain unrevealed to you for the long term or until you have been in the relationship a while and discover them yourself.

THE MENTALLY ILL MAN

He can look normal on the outside, but after you have dated him for a while it becomes obvious that something is amiss. Most women lack the training to know exactly what is wrong, but depending on his diagnosis he may be able to convince you to stay and love him into wellness. He may hold you emotionally hostage by telling you that everyone leaves him.

THE ADDICT

Many women do not recognize up front the guy has an addiction or they mistake it for being a fun loving guy that wants to party. Addictions can include pornography, drugs, alcohol, thrill seeking behavior, gambling, food or relationships.

THE ABUSIVE OR VIOLENT MAN

He starts out as very attentive and giving. But then Mr. Hyde appears, controlling, blaming, shaming, harming, perhaps hitting. Women who think abuse comes only in the form of a physical assault may miss warning signs of other kinds of abuse. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, spiritual, financial, physical or sexual, or it can be abuse of the system to get his way. With an abusive man, anything goes when he decides he is in control, and he will always be in control. Abusive or violent behavior always gets worse over time.

THE EMOTIONAL PREDATOR

He has a sixth sense about how women operate. He knows how to play a womans woundedness. Although his motives might be to prey on a womans financial or sexual vulnerabilities, he is called the emotional predator because he hunts for his victims by targeting their emotional vulnerabilities. He can sense women who have recently been dumped, or who are hurt, lonely or sexually needy. He is a chameleon and can be whatever any woman needs him to be. He is very tuned in to a womans body and eye language as well. He can pick up on hints about her life and turn himself into what she wants in the moment.

Most dangerous men fall into more then one category. Sandra calls these combo pack men. For instance, some addicts are also violent. Clingers and seekers almost always have interwoven mental illness issues. Addicts are typically emotionally unavailable. Emotional predators usually have hidden lives, because hiding what they do is half the fun.

"Pathologically self-invested and indifferent to their hurtful impact on other people." That sentence describes my ex completely.

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what the particular diagnoses are. Yeah, my ex is BiPolar, an alcoholic, a drug addict and I strongly suspect he's also Narcissistic, and possibly a Sociopath... but he does nothing to try to address his issues, or to initiate a TRUE positive change within himself. So, all of that doesn't excuse a thing! And it certainly doesn't make it right or acceptable that he was deceitful, abusive and controlling and that living with him (especially towards the end) was pure hell.

Great post, Susy! I couldn't agree more. It doesn't make a difference, and that is a liberating fact.

And one final thing ...alcholism is a fatal illness and I have seen people die from it. Excusing their behavior as an alcoholic has sometimes preventing people from hitting bottom and becoming sober.

Although alcoholism is an illness, sobriety is a choice.

Hey I am a alcoholic haven't had a drink for 15 years next week. It is funny though that I met a guy who drinks and to me is alcoholic. I mothered him, thought I could fix him and let him control my life. He was insecure, nerotic, unemotional, not available unless he was gett ing a pay off. I know that alcoholism is a disease and that if I still had choices I would be drinking. However I ran out of choices and people stopped picking my pieces up. I had to hit my bottom and I have hit a few in recovery as well. I know my ex has to hit his and it is up to him how far down he goes. i told him when I asked him to leave, that he has taken me down far enough with him and he has further to go and I ain't going there with him. My ex still has it family picking his pieces up and making excuses for him. I just hope he gets a chance to get sober as Susy said this disease his fatal and I have buried alot of people in my time in recovery. Unfortunately not everyone does get sober and the life they live seems normal to them. I hope and pray that my ex gets well, but I also know I can't help him. He needs to want the help and to want to change. unfortuanetly if he doesn't get sober someone else will have to go through what I did and it will just keep geting worst.

I guess underneath his alcoholism he showed me his truths,his true personality just made worse by alcohol.I tried to help him and he chose to continue destroying me and others with his deceit.

Too often, abuse is blamed on the addiction. But, when you research abuse, abuse is there, addiction or not. I think the drug of choice, be it alcohol or pharmaceutical drugs or illicit drugs, simply enable them to be less inhibited, thus their behavior escalates when indulging in alcohol or drugs. Abuse can NEVER be attributed to the addiction.

I have abused alcohol and drugs, but there is nothing, absolutely nothing in me that would ever do to anyone what my x did to me. It's not there. And, in looking back, I recall some behavior that was full blown manipulation and emotional abuse when he had been clean and sober more than 10 or 15 years. He was an abuser through and through.