I copied this from my journal entry, thought i could share it here.

My bf has completely flown off the deep end, to the point of snapping at me and yelling at me.

he was in my face the other day, screaming, took the pillow i had propped behind my back and threw it at me. He leaves the house, slamming doors everytime there is a problem, then come back like everything is ok, with a totally different perspective on what happened. forgets things i say, re words things he said to the point that the origional issue isnt even addressed.

we just got done fighting now, he wouldnt stop. he calls me crazy, of course im emotional, im fucking pregnat! he was making fun of me, lying to me, saying that when he left, slammed the door on me, and spun his tires out it was because he had to go to work, and this was right after him saying he wanted to take a nap, he was mad cause i had to stretch out on the bed to get comfortable and wasnt scooting over fast enough. i didnt want to move fast cause i was nauteous. so after him hounding me i just got up and went to the living room, have the damn bed if you are going to get angry over that. so he ran out and left. then he calls, and obviously i am upset, i mean, he just left me like that. saying that he has to work to pay the bills, and that he cant just stay home with me, what the hell does that have to do with what happened?

he turns it around, making it sound like im crazy cause i dont want him to work? not even the issue. the issue is the way he talks to me. and now im on a countdown. how long do i put up with this? how much allowances should i make? i go back over the past few weeks and look at facts, im sure i could have reacted differently a few times, but enough is enough.

i had to learn to look at facts and take most emotions out of things, to be able to be healthy with myself. so when it comes down to it.



did he get within two inches of my face in a threatening way? YES

Did i feel like i had to be ready to defend myself? YES

Does he seem unstable and unreliable emotionally? YES

does it seem like he enjoys my company? NO

does he try to comprimised and get to the root of the problem at hand? NO

Do i feel stable in this relationship? NO

do i feel helpless? YES

Do i believe him when he says he is sorry? NO
Do i think he will do it again? YES



Here comes the big question, what the hell do i do about it? ive put up with so much crap from men, thinking i loved them. I refuse to go back to that person who makes excuses for them, who allowes herself to be abused for the sake of, things will change, then they will see how much i love them. it was insane, and took up most of my life. so much time wasted that i could have been prosperous. wasted on dead ends.

i dont know what to do, i dont want to be a single mom, but what can i do really?
i cant take much more of this. yea sure, he is stressed out too, but is that a valid excuse for the way he has been?

am i doomed in my life to get no where? and always struggle?

right now, i cant work, i cant work because then i wont get approved for state medical, or will lose it once i get it. there aren't jobs around here that offer medical that i qualify for. so what? im stuck in a rock and a hard place. i need medical for the baby, not to mention how sick i have been, i still puke daily, but can keep things down a little longer. im dizzy often, which is dangerous sometimes when i'm driving. hard to stay on the road really. so what the hell do i do? i quit taking my happy pills, so now i am really feeling emotions, im not as calm, im holding up ok really without them, just i feel things more now, so im really upset right now.
i know i can leave if i need to, which in itself is liberating and empowering. because before, a couple years or so ago,
i would have never been able to leave, i would have been like glue.
but now the question is, how much is too much to take?