One of the affirmations my thearpist has me do is to say: It is OK to ask for help without putting out. Because in my family, anything you asked for, you would pay dearly for, in one way or the other. So in my mind everything is a huge check and balance system. If the last time we went out for lunch YOU paid, then this time I am paying. And in fact I would just much rather that we all paid for our own so that I do not have to mentally keep up this check list. And it is the same with compliments. If you are complimenting me, then let me see what I can say back to you. I think this is where my people pleaser comes in. And God forbid that you should think that I was full of myself!!!

Funny because where I work, people are always getting in the elevator and I will comment on their purse or shoes or whatever and they manage to just say thank you and I am not even expecting a 'I like your dress also', so where does this come from? Not being worthy of even a small compliment perhaps? Good awareness.

i am the type who will try to negate the compliment - which is insulting when you think about it, i am saying no your wrong or even dumb to think that good thing about me - because i feel like i am lying, making someone think untrue good things about me when in reality i am just this peice of litter in the way. For me it's a low self esteem thing. I feel guilty because i don't really deserve a compliment in fact just the opposite is true and i have made someone believe a lie hence i am a liar, and shame for what i perceive is truly the case, that i am nothing.

I used to make a negative reply to a compliment like "this old thing" etc and laugh but I've learned to just say "thank you" with a smile. As Dracona says, the compliment is freely given and I've learned to be gracious in receiving it. When people reply to a compliment I've given them in a negative way I must admit it makes me feel awful as though I have no taste at all.

this is something that has been really hard for me to work on. but there are good people out there. that want to help and make someone feel good just cause they can. my family was like susyp. if something was given, you had to work 10 times what it was worth, this includes birthdays and christmas and any other holiday. even school supplies shopping. and if i anything was too expensive.... you got the reprimand for even asking....
so it was always a constant calculation. even if mom came home with ice cream for me.... if she got upset later it would turn into, well you dont appreciate anything, you are ungreatful, and undeserving and disrespectful, i dont know why i try with you, i wash my hands of you, after all i did, going out of my way to get you that ice cream, you cant even clean your room, do the dishes, vacuum, feed the horses properly and have your homework done or whatever chores she stacked together that were impossible to do before bedtime. so it was a constant state of anxiety and tension. so i became in my adulthood, afraid to accept compliments, or even receive them, or believe that when someone says my hair looks nice, that they are not EXPECTING something in return... i also like terrys, dont see in me what others do. people often say im pretty. but i dont see it like they say they do. so ive had to force myself to say just Thank you. and after a while though, i think i enjoy the compliments. and now when i give compliments, i do so because i feel good about giving them, not cause i think they want one.

my mother went so far as to say in so many words if someone gave me a compliment after we were away from the person " I wonder what they want from you." She always told me when people do or say something nice "watch out they want something out of you." That's really crippling to self esteem and i believe contributes to the drive to seek love outside ourself with just exactly the kind of people who do indeed ' just want something from you" if they ever do or say any nice thing which is rarely, since we believe everyone is like that it's no wonder we pick them out so easily. When i look for a thing constantly, and see it everywhere whether it's there or not, that's what I find.

i think its because, what a normal healthy minded woman wouldnt go near, its normal to us. Chaos is normal. confusion is normal. invalidation of our feelings is normal. so we dont SEE red flags, because they are just another day, but have so much compassion, and want to be that woman behind a great man, we want a man to change for us, from zero to hero. from looser to love maker. all because of us. cause if that were to happen, maybe it would make up for everything we went through growing up? maybe we would truly be loved and appreciated and valued? so we make excuses for them. oh... he lives with his mom because..... oh he is just mean to me because he dont trust me because that bitch of an ex wife.... poor guy, i understand what its like to be hurt...
or he dont have a job because... he went to college got a great job and got an injury and now is waiting for the doctors approval to go back to work at the mini mart because he was out of work so long at his good job that they needed to hire other people, but he is going to get a great settlement or severance pay for hundreds of thousands, then he will re posses his house. but unti then he can stay with me. everyone needs support sometimes.then we willl go live in his big house once he gets the money.

reality.

he lives with his mom because he
A) cant do his own laundry or cook for himself
B)has no job and dont want to get one to pay rent
C)has no excuse

hes mean to me because that bitch of an ex wife married him, had kids then got smart and left his dumb ass because he was doing to her the same he is doing to me. and he is just pissed off because he lost his control and now has to establish control over me.

he has no job because the mini mart fired him for showing up late and not stacking shelves properly and he slipped on the floor putting the wet sign out and is trying to sew for having to use an old mop in the first place and thinks he will get a million dollars, but only then can he go to college cause he cant afford it now.
but he does want to go somewhere in life.