Thanks Sunny, Great Great Great Article!

I wish that it was available when we had the discussion post about sex. The article really resonated with me and although I am not sure of whether my ex was a narc or not I still gained a lot of insight into myself. In the article she repeated the idea or position that sex for a narc was never about the partner but really just a way to boost his/her own egoic ideas about self. I can see that with my ex but really what surprised me is that I can see that within myself. I enjoyed sex and had orgasms since my teenage years but for me sex was like a job. I clocked in and went to work attempting to be the "one" that pleased the one the satisfied. I was never able to relax and open myself up for the spiritual and ones of the moment.

Honestly, as I read her description of what sex could be between two individuals I was hard pressed to even imagine what that was like. I had no point of reference to compare it to really I could not even fantasize about what that would be like in real experiences. Sex with my ex was exhausting and he aimed to please me in order to please and feel good about himself. He would attempt to make me have several orgasms he would try new techniques and when he was alone he watched porn for pleasure and for educational purposes. I don't like porn I feel like it is degrading and when you attempt to add porn techniques to your sex life....you can imagine what that felt like as well. I acted like he was the best lover I ever had when really he was average and in some ways a I can imagine that I was average as well. You cant fake true intimacy and connection and you cant experience what you are not open to as well. Really his insecurities in bed reflected my own, his trying to please reflected my own, neither one of us ever showed our true face...we never reached oneness.

This article really kicked my butt and I like that. It asked me to stop looking at the men in my life and really start to look at the ways in which his wounded-ness reflected my own. Amazing. He had childhood issues and so did I. I think what attracted me to him and him to me was an unspoken awareness that we were both hiding our dark holes of despair. The article said something that I will never forget or rather it gave me an opening that I wont forget. She wrote about how we work so hard to change others, never realizing that what we are attempting to fix, repair, change, heal in others is really what needs to be addressed and healed within ourselves.

If we really allowed that to sink in it would change how we operate in the world.---think about it. His lack of communication that you are addressing is really your own, his selfishness or coldness is really your own, his inability to be emotionally available is really your own. If I am honest with myself I can see the truth in it. He was addicted to pills but I was addicted to food, him, and cigarettes. He was emotionally unavailable and did not communicate well and so was I. My way of dealing with people included people pleasing, controlling, and manipulating. He had unresolved childhood issues and so did I. I felt like he lacked direction and purpose with his life and hell need I say more. Even the way he dealt with his children was a reverse picture of my own way of dealing with my son. He was angry and tough with his boys to avoid dealing with their feelings I cater and placate my son to avoid dealing with his budding emotions. The revelations of it all makes me want to laugh out loud. I really convinced myself that he was the issue.

Someone wrote that "aha" moments don't bring about change only behaviors do. But I disagree with that. This "aha" moment for me did change things. It changed the story I was telling myself about myself and men. He is not a monster in my past anymore and I am not a helpless victim. We really were just two people with like energy who attempted to heal our brokenness through someone else. The article said that if you want to have healthier relationship than you have to change, address, and heal the wounds within yourself. You have to stop doing what Narc do which is look for energy and supply outside of self. But as WWLTM are we not doing what Narcs do...are we not looking for supply of love, care, attention, and validation outside of ourselves. We see how damaging and deadly narcs are but we paint ourselves as open hearted, loving, caring, and celestial beings who just keep meeting the bad, bad men. For me this article said, "hey, sweetheart you cant tell yourself that lie anymore." I realize that although his approach was different than mine we both intended to do the same thing; we both intended to get something from someone else that we believed we needed. I can forgive myself for that because I didn't know any better so why not forgive him as well. Moving forward I have to remind myself that if I desire to have healthier relationship I have to be healthier because I am only going to meet myself in life over and over again. So the next time I meet me in the form of a man- I want to be able to say yes, I see you there and you are looking radiant.

I was thinking more about "I am only going to meet myself in life over and over again" and I wondered what happens when I meet me again.

I don't think I am suppose to meet me again in the form of a guy who is emotionally unavailable, lacking in communication, scared, angry, deeply wounded, unresolved, unsure, unstable, and seeking healing in others....and then say oh yes I am going to love you until you know how wonderful you are. I don't think I am suppose to meet me in that form and then get about the work of attempting to resolve me through him.

I imagine that the next time I meet me, the wounded broken and unsure me I am supposed to see it, acknowledge it, honor it and leave it where it is. Because if I can meet a man who resembles me and all my wounds and not work to fix, heal, and love him I will be acknowledging a greater truth. The truth will be that I realize that I cannot fix, heal, save, restore, validate, or love him into loving his self anymore than he can do it for me. I really believe that when I stop asking men to fix, heal, restore, validate, etc me they will in turn stop asking me to do it as well. I think we truly get what we give and we meet broken men who are asking us to do the impossible because we are broken women asking men to do the impossible. Make me love myself. There was a guy on Oprah that said there was a moment in his life when he knew that if he walked through a door (understanding, awareness) he could never walk back through it (ignorance). I feel like if I walk through this door I will never be able to walk back through it. If I honestly allow myself to believe this new idea I will never be able to get into another relationship with the intention of getting something. Honestly, I think I walked through even before I began writing this post. Scary but exciting.

Sorry ladies but my mind was running and I had to get it all out so I would not forget.

I know some of you are going to say that it is reasonable to want love, acceptance, validation, trust, a true intimacy and I agree with that. We are humans and our lives are meant to be part independent and interdependent. I agree that we should desire connection and love. What I realize is that love, acceptance, validation, truth, trust, and intimacy must be in our possession before we can express it or experience it with others.

Any one read ' The road less traveled? by M Scott Peck

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Road-Less-Travelled-Arrow-New-Age/dp/0099727404

This is what he says at the beginning…the synopsis…

Confronting and solving problems is a painful process which most of us attempt to avoid. And the very avoidance results in greater pain and an inability to grow both mentally and spiritually.

Drawing heavily on his own professional experience, leading psychiatrist Dr M. Scott Peck suggests ways in which facing our difficulties - and suffering through the changes - can enable us to reach a higher level of self-understanding. He discusses the nature of loving relationships: how to recognise true compatibility, how to distinguish dependency from love, how to become one's own person, and how to be a more sensitive parent. This is the bestselling self-help book that will change the way you live, and love, for good.

Its a great book, worth a read.

We really were just two people with like energy who attempted to heal our brokenness through someone else. The article said that if you want to have healthier relationship than you have to change, address, and heal the wounds within yourself. You have to stop doing what Narc do which is look for energy and supply outside of self. But as WWLTM are we not doing what Narcs do...are we not looking for supply of love, care, attention, and validation outside of ourselves. We see how damaging and deadly narcs are but we paint ourselves as open hearted, loving, caring, and celestial beings who just keep meeting the bad, bad men. For me this article said, "hey, sweetheart you cant tell yourself that lie anymore." I realize that although his approach was different than mine we both intended to do the same thing; we both intended to get something from someone else that we believed we needed.

THis resonated with me Izzy. I love the way you write to clearly.
This is so obvious I can't believe I missed it! Its so clear. Thank you.x