Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I trust you guys and I feel the need to share how truly fckd up I am.
10:45pm :
I am so hurt. I don't feel self-righteous, I don't feel powerful, or strong or have this sense of self-indignation. I feel depleted, defeated, unworthy and incerdibly sad and drained. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that one stupid person didn't feel I was worthy enough to be told directly that our relationship is over. Yesterday i found a friend request from him on Facebook. I don't know how that happened, he must have created an account just to snoop in my profile and he must have added me by mistake. I don't know. But he has made no efforts to contact me and it stings so badly, that i don't know what to do with it. I'm wallowing in this pain liek it's all I've got. I don't understand it, I can't embrace it for what it is. I can't find the lesson I need to learn by all this. I know there's supposed to be a lesson, there fckn better be a lesson because all that surrounds it is this heart wrenching agony that is totally consuming me. Confusion, disbelief, darkness and anger. I'm so angry at myself for not being able to surmount this.
I'm giving it so much power. I've come too close to messaging him but I can't bring myself to do it. Even as I'm drowning in this disgusting pool of self-pity, that little ounce of dignity has managed to emerge in my most trying time of need. That moment when I justify everything with bullshit i don't even care to mention, which leads me to pick up my phone and start typing. Luckily, I haven't followed through. I pray that i never will. I keep having conversations with myself, with him. Some are actually voiced out and I wind up looking like a crazed lunatic. These conversations are basically fantasies that consist of things I woudl love to say to him but will never have the nerve to. Why am I such a coward!?
More later.
So, ladies..i caved and called him teh very next day and he said 'what took you so long? We hadn't spoken in over a week. There was no fight..it just kinda happened that way. Shit liek this would happen often. And he was A-okay with it, it seemed.
I want to vomit.
10:45pm :
I am so hurt. I don't feel self-righteous, I don't feel powerful, or strong or have this sense of self-indignation. I feel depleted, defeated, unworthy and incerdibly sad and drained. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that one stupid person didn't feel I was worthy enough to be told directly that our relationship is over. Yesterday i found a friend request from him on Facebook. I don't know how that happened, he must have created an account just to snoop in my profile and he must have added me by mistake. I don't know. But he has made no efforts to contact me and it stings so badly, that i don't know what to do with it. I'm wallowing in this pain liek it's all I've got. I don't understand it, I can't embrace it for what it is. I can't find the lesson I need to learn by all this. I know there's supposed to be a lesson, there fckn better be a lesson because all that surrounds it is this heart wrenching agony that is totally consuming me. Confusion, disbelief, darkness and anger. I'm so angry at myself for not being able to surmount this.
I'm giving it so much power. I've come too close to messaging him but I can't bring myself to do it. Even as I'm drowning in this disgusting pool of self-pity, that little ounce of dignity has managed to emerge in my most trying time of need. That moment when I justify everything with bullshit i don't even care to mention, which leads me to pick up my phone and start typing. Luckily, I haven't followed through. I pray that i never will. I keep having conversations with myself, with him. Some are actually voiced out and I wind up looking like a crazed lunatic. These conversations are basically fantasies that consist of things I woudl love to say to him but will never have the nerve to. Why am I such a coward!?
More later.
So, ladies..i caved and called him teh very next day and he said 'what took you so long? We hadn't spoken in over a week. There was no fight..it just kinda happened that way. Shit liek this would happen often. And he was A-okay with it, it seemed.
I want to vomit.
I think it's just a part of healing, and it will be less and less that this happens...
I have also written letters and burned them (never mailed) ANYTHING to prevent contact and relieve some of the anxiety. It helps me to get the words out; whether in my car while driving or typing them and reading them aloud...
Try not to be so hard on YOU. We all do it.
Love yourself!
(((((hugs)))))
SICK!
fckn hate him!
Obviously, this is a pattern I can only break.
Thank God no kids. I would shoot myself.
I saw me ex gf walking towards me the other day on her new man's arm. she looked just as great as she always had. we exchanged brief pleasantries and then we all walked away. but I saw her look back at me as she walked away with that man who treated her well, and smile. living well is the best revenge.
Just can't wait to get through the mood swings. today was a horrible horrible day. I resented every person that called or texted because they weren't him.
I can't wait to get over him
What do I do when he calls? Oh God, I shudder at the thought.