That is a difficult position to be in Kuhu,

The guy that I am dating is married and him and his wife were separated 6-7years before I met him. I have met her and she is living with a man anyway. I don't feel anything about his wife. Now, when I think about our future I feel like getting the divorce will be easy...however that is not the case for you.

Do you want to get married to him soon or do you just want the possibility to get married in the future.

Sometimes the future needs no worries because we have so many worries in today.

So true Izzy :))

Spoke to the guy just now....nice heart- to-heart kind of talk. Even I dont bother to raise the issue of his divorce case.....so he did come out nicely. Complimented me for being so supportive and giving space to him. he will keep trying and he doesnt want to lose me, he said.
Ladies....he says he thinks about it all the time, but he doesnt know wat to talk when there is not much change in his situation. So men dont know wat to talk sometimes; )

Sounds like you found a good one. You might just have to be patient and you never know about the future. He may just get his divorce because of some strange event that happens. : ) I would really just enjoy how wonderful he is knowing that he does want what you want. I love that you worked on yourself for 2 years also. You are very courageous and are reaping the rewards.

Thanks Shani.

:(( Today I came to know that he has been lying to me about development on his divorce case since last one year. I spoke to his attorney today ( first time in last one year because somehow yesterday what he said didnt sound logical) .

His attorney said...the client ( Mr bf) has not contacted him in last four months, is not taking his calls and not even replying to any mails.

BF says...( after I spoke to the attorney and learnt this)......that the attorney had been conspiring with his wife's attorney to extract maximum money from him...so he is planning to dump him and is trying to hire someone else. ( BF never told me this)

NOW BF SAYS SORRY and says he will do whatever I tell him. Like a wamp, I dont want to dictate how he should go about his divorce case. I am tempted to suggest one of my friends as attorney ( yes I am trying to learn not to be controlling...but I still remember the basic controling tricks.

My worry is that such important information was being hidden from me....
Only conter in his favor is that it is bf only who gave me the attorney's number and now he is sorry abou ti and is ready to do it my way ( whatever that means)

What should I do..wear old controlling shoes...or forgive him and let him handle it the way he wants....

Kuhu,

I attempted to control men as a way to feel safe in the relationship and manipulation and control go hand and hand. I never felt safe all the time and I never felt like others truly cared...I felt like that were doing what they were doing because of what I was doing...not because they wanted to.

If he wants a divorce he will get one...it seems like for whatever reason he is not making significant plans to get it. It may have nothing to do with you. What did your controlling behavior do for you and are you attempting to get that payoff now? If so can you find a way to give yourself what you need without controlling him?

kuhu….we can't tell you what to do unfortunately there is no easy answer here. only you can tell us how you FEEL deep inside about this new information. do you feel betrayed? do you feel your trust in him is broken?? it seems unlikely to me that his attorney would conspire to get max money out of him since his attorney works for him. and 4 months of not doing anything about it???

i agree with izzy if he wants a divorce he will find a way to get one.

it's not necessarily malicious though. since he can't easily fix this and men like to fix things he may feel helpless??? whatever if he wants a divorce he will pursue it.

i would be taking pause if i were in your shoes but no one can tell you that's what you should do.

he sounds like a good guy otherwise??

it would probably be best if you left it up to him and stayed out of it. he needs to make this happen. you getting involved or making this easy for him in any way is codependency if not controlling. especially if you'd have access to updated progress. not good for him or for you probably.

keep us posted...

Izzy,

I stopped controlling him way back. But this incident has shaken me up....as in do I need to tell him how he should go about his case. You are right when you say......If he wants a divorce he will get one...it seems like for whatever reason he is not making significant plans to get it. It may have nothing to do with you....it calms me down. Thanx, and yes I will not control...have done that all my life and never really got much out of it. I havent done that in this relationship so far....and will NOT.

Fin,

Yes it is a blow to my trust. I am not sure if the attorney story is true...BF says that the attorney is being bribed by his wife...and is passing information to her attorney hence.


he is a good guy otherwise.

I spoke to him about it and he says he is trying to handle it in a different way ( by 4 months of not doing anything about it? I dont understand ..anyway). After that he said many nice things (thats why i am with him:))

I have told him... we will talk about it two weeks from now..you let me know about what all you expect from me and I will tell you the same..to see if our expectations match and we are more aware and clear about what we want from each other. But I expect you to pursue your case sincerely and keep me informed about it....this one expectation I have told him.

Lets see...