You and me both! I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I am too. Don't know about you but I'm sitting here thinking...perhaps I've over reacted or over analyzed things and things could be different if only I wasn't this way. Then I remember what I'm learning in counseling...it's ok to want a healthy relationship. It is very emotionally exhausting. However, our XN's are wounded people...damaged goods. They are in need of major work to fix themselves...something we can't do for them. Yes, everyone is damaged to some degree but we can only focus on ourselves. I hope your day improves...I hope my day improves too! :) Take care.

If we can think of this kind of "bad day" as something we must endure from time to time ... like a bad cold or something else we cannot control ... perhaps that would keep us from incriminating ourselves in some unjust way? I'm beginning to catch on to this thread that when I feel bad about myself in some way, I start to doubt my goodness in my past relationships. I know we do; however, I think it's important that we DO NOT second guess ourselves anymore. How ironic it's easier to remember the good than the bad, right?

I relate as well. So true Malky that it is easier to remember the good and block out the bad. If I am honest we had more bad times than good, but my head remembers the good. Go figure. I also know I have to go through the bad days to chersih the good ones I have. I also know that I don't let him occupy my head like he did and that when I do I try and think of those bad times and rememeber what am In really missing.

This is the time where you need to stop, take a deep breath and acknowledge your feelings accept them for what they are...no more no less. This is a grieving process and we are grieving the death of the illusion. As time passes your bad days do become fewer and further between and eventually transform into fleeting moments of nothing more than nostalgia. Withdrawal is painful and healing takes time and work...nothing worth having comes without a struggle. You are worth the fight. This is just a detour, a moment in time that strengthens your character. Much love to you my sisters....you are survivors and like the phoenix we will rise from the ashes!!

GRIEVING THE PATHOLOGICAL LOSS

by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Over and over again women are shocked to find out how badly they feel leaving a dangerous/pathological man is. As horrendous as the relationships has been, as hurt as they have become at his hands, and the emotional/physical/financial/sexual/spiritual cost it takes to heal, why in the world am I so sad and in so much grief?

Loving a pathological (not just a psychopath but any person with a pathological disorder) seems to have a very intense attachment to the relationship. Most women report that loving them is nothing like anything else she ever experienced. They indicate that its more intense than other relationships, more mind-games that keep her very confused and unable to detach, and a kind of hypnotic mesmerizing that keeps her in the relationship LONG after she knows she should have left.

Because of this intense bonding, mental confusion, pathological attachment and a hypnotic connection her grief is likely to be huge. This is often confusing to her because there has been so much damage to her by the time she leaves she thinks she should be relieved to simply be out of the relationship. But when the paralyzing grief mounts, she is aggravated with herself to be in so much pain and grief over the ending of something so sick to her.

Lots of women are confused as to whom or what it is they are actually grieving. Grief can seem so illusive - a haunting feeling that is like a grey ghost but cant be nailed down to actually what the loss is.

The ending of any relationship (even a pathological one) is a loss. Within the ending of the relationship is a loss of lots of elements. There is a loss of the dream of partnership or togetherness. The loss of a shared future together as well as the loss that maybe he would some day get it together or actually love you. When the relationship ends, so does the dream of being loved (even if he was technically not capable of truly loving anyone). There is a loss of your plans for the future--maybe that was buying a home, having children, or taking a big trip. There is the loss of shared parenting (if that occurred). Loss of income, loss of being touched or held. Loss of sex.

Although a lot of women may actually see a lot of these hopes and dreams as illusions it still constitutes a loss and women are often surprised at the kinds of things they find themselves grieving over.

Some women lose their pets in the break up, or their house or career. Some lose their children, their friends, her relatives or his. Some have to relocate to get away from him because of his dangerousness so they lose their community, roots, and home.

No matter what it is you perceived you no longer have, its a loss and when you have loss you have grief. People spend a lot of time trying to stay on the perimeter of grief--trying to avoid it and stay away from the pain. But grief is the natural way to resolve conflict and loss. Its the bodys way of riding the mind and soul of ongoing pain. Its an attempt at rebalancing ones mind and life. Grief is a natural process that is GIVEN to you as a pain management tool. Without grief there would never be a way of moving thru pain. You would always just remain stuck in the feelings and would always feel the same.

Therefore, dont avoid grief. While no one LIKES grief its important to allow yourself to feel the feelings and the pain because to suppress it, deny it, or avoid it will mean you will never work thru it. I dont know anyone who WANTS to live in this kind of pain. There is only one way thru the pain of grief and thats thru the middle of it. There are no short cuts, quick routes or other ways around the pain and grief. There is only thru it---like a wilderness. But on the other side of it is the promise of healing, hope and a future.

Dont judge your grief. What hurts, hurts. Even if it doesnt make sense to you (he was horrible, why am I grieving HIM?)- its your bodys way of moving thru it so let it. Get help if you need it- counseling, group, medication, a grief group--whatever it is you need.

Dont set a predetermined time that you think you should be over it. It probably takes longer than you think it will or you want it to. But thats how it is- grief takes its time.

Grief can look like depression, anxiety, PTSD or a lot of other types of symptoms and sometimes its hard to know where one starts and the other one ends. Thats because often you arent having one or the other, you are having some of both.

Journal your losses, talk about them, tell others, get help when you need it. (Were here too!!). Most of all, know that grief is a God-send natural way of working thru so you can move on.

Rayvyn...THAT WAS GREAT INFORMATION! So helpful! It's true it's all about lost for me that represents abandonment. (from childhood), so this is VERY Painful. I HAVE moments of thinking the same way blaming myself wondering what I could have done differently. I miss my X like crazy. I know that what I miss is my own fantasy (not reality).

I try to focus on myself and how wonderful life is going to be when I "go through" this process. It's not easy. But I try very hard to stay positive even through the pain. I don't want to repeat this with another guy in the future. I want to be a better person, not obsessed or sick over a man.

Harmony7...be strong! Prayer helps so much. Praying is what gives me hope and strength. I am starting to believe that God have a great plan for me and my future. Harmony7 even if you don't pray...find something positive to believe in start with YOURSELF!

Be strong...HUGS!!

A quote from the book I'm reading right now, The New Codependency by Melody Beattie: Years after writing Codependent No More, I was haunted by the fear thar loving myself would make me lazy and self indulgent. It took a long time to know that appreciating myself is motivating. It's not what we don't know that hurts us people say, it's what we believe to be true but isn't that does the damage.

I hope your day got better! You are on the road to self awareness and we'll both make it at some point!

Rayvyn,

thank you so much for that post, i really needed it tonight

Harmony, I relate to many of your feelings. Its closing in on 9 months for me here...yet I still feel pangs of grief about the whole loss of the R. Ravyn's article by Sandra Brown was great (thank you Ravyn). I especially liked the below:

"Dont judge your grief. What hurts, hurts. Even if it doesnt make sense to you (he was horrible, why am I grieving HIM?)- its your bodys way of moving thru it so let it".

You asked, when will we find true peace within. I've worked really hard on changing myself and I realize the more I change the less I miss him. So I believe changing myself is the key. The thing is real change is very hard and I haven't changed very much. But the small changes I have made have drastically improved my life. When we are operating from a healthy space, we may not miss that which was unhealthy. Much support to you x

Oh harmony I wonder the same thing. Going on a year and just want to be done. Its way better then it was but I want it done where I never think of him again. I have lapses. Sometimes I really feel life is passing me by while I am stuck in his aftermath.

Once again i can count on all of you to see me through the bad days.Great article ravyn on grief its just how the process is for us in the aftermath of these relationships.ladytruee im hearing you as my journey began not long after yours and i often feel life is passing me by but i havent been ready for much else this year apart from trying to keep my head above water in the early months from the grief.I know it gets better as most days i feel im getting there but the ones where they are bad are still bad.We will get there.Love and peace to us all.