Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I am now in my 8th month NC with my EX-N. It has not been easy, but am soooo proud of the progress I have made. My healing has been significant, mainly because of the support I've received from the wonderful women here, as well as my family, and my therapist.
What I am struggling with right now is having to see my EX-N again. In August, a reunion will be held to celebrate friends and family who all grew up in the same area. This will be our second reunion, and I intend to be there. (Ironically, it was at our first reunion, held last year, when I "met" my EX-N; we attended high school together, but had never dated until last year. Long story short, he convinced me of his unrequited love for me since high school, yada, yada, yada. I fell for it, and he turned out to be a master bullshit artist. He only wanted to use me for his own gain. I was both hurt and disappointed, but I knew I had to remove him from my life, after only 3 months.) Unfortunately, we serve on the same reunion committee and there's no way I can totally avoid him. I dread seeing him, and I have absolutely no intention of speaking to him.
I have two wonderful daughters, with whom I share just about everything. When I asked their advice on how I should handle this "dilemma," my older daughter suggested that I just continue to ignore him; my younger daughter says, "it costs nothing to speak," and I should speak to him - but only if he speaks first.
Through intensive therapy, I am FINALLY able to understand my pattern of getting involved in emotionally abusive relationships with men, including my ex-husband, from whom I've been divorced for 29 years. My father was a controlling, manipulative,emotionally abusive man, who also lusted after me. I was never allowed to express my anger toward him - not ever. So, I would deal with my anger by refusing to speak to him - unless he spoke to me first; then, I HAD TO RESPOND. I hated my father with a passion, but was never willing to admit it until now.
Please forgive me for flip-flopping all over the place, for I'm feeling slightly scatter-brained right now. Just the thought of seeing my EX-N fills me with anger and rage. I suspect this is because I never told him how angry I was with him for treating me so shabbily; I simply cut him off. While I have no intention of causing a scene at the reunion, I fear that I will "go off" on him at the slightest provocation.
I need help with this. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
What I am struggling with right now is having to see my EX-N again. In August, a reunion will be held to celebrate friends and family who all grew up in the same area. This will be our second reunion, and I intend to be there. (Ironically, it was at our first reunion, held last year, when I "met" my EX-N; we attended high school together, but had never dated until last year. Long story short, he convinced me of his unrequited love for me since high school, yada, yada, yada. I fell for it, and he turned out to be a master bullshit artist. He only wanted to use me for his own gain. I was both hurt and disappointed, but I knew I had to remove him from my life, after only 3 months.) Unfortunately, we serve on the same reunion committee and there's no way I can totally avoid him. I dread seeing him, and I have absolutely no intention of speaking to him.
I have two wonderful daughters, with whom I share just about everything. When I asked their advice on how I should handle this "dilemma," my older daughter suggested that I just continue to ignore him; my younger daughter says, "it costs nothing to speak," and I should speak to him - but only if he speaks first.
Through intensive therapy, I am FINALLY able to understand my pattern of getting involved in emotionally abusive relationships with men, including my ex-husband, from whom I've been divorced for 29 years. My father was a controlling, manipulative,emotionally abusive man, who also lusted after me. I was never allowed to express my anger toward him - not ever. So, I would deal with my anger by refusing to speak to him - unless he spoke to me first; then, I HAD TO RESPOND. I hated my father with a passion, but was never willing to admit it until now.
Please forgive me for flip-flopping all over the place, for I'm feeling slightly scatter-brained right now. Just the thought of seeing my EX-N fills me with anger and rage. I suspect this is because I never told him how angry I was with him for treating me so shabbily; I simply cut him off. While I have no intention of causing a scene at the reunion, I fear that I will "go off" on him at the slightest provocation.
I need help with this. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
Eight months is significant and more significant is the work that has surfaced due to this past short but obviously painful relationship. Keep yourself real, do what honours you and stick to it. You are fortunate to have some time to sort out how you will respond.
I wonder about another option--why don't you compose a short email and send it to him ahead of the event asking for him to give you space (set the rules) so that you can enjoy the day.
Very, very, very good work worktodo!
creo, you made an excellent point when you asked, ..."how much of the reunion will be about him and how much will be light/fun/social?" Fortunately, the reunion is not about him, and will be mostly social mingling and getting re-acquainted with folks we haven't seen in eons. So, yes, I can definitely handle that. Also, while I appreciate suggestion to "compose a short email and send it to him ahead of the event...," that is a definite no-no. I have had NO CONTACT with this ass-hole for 8 months, and I intend to keep it that way.
worktodo, I applaud the strides you have made in your own healing. Your story is truly inspirational. Thank you for wishing me a "fantastic time at the reunion," and for saying I will look "amazing." Also, your comment about "bullshit bootcamp" gave me a real, hearty belly-laugh!
swelsha, you are amazing! I had a real "AHA" moment after reading your reply. I have, in fact, been making a "monster" in my mind of my EX-N, who, in reality, is just a waste of skin, and "one sorry ass human," as you remarked. I guess I have been creating a lot of unnecessary anxiety for myself by ruminating about a situation that has not yet occurred. I have chosen to focus on the following sentence, from your reply: "I do think going to the reunion will have the ultimate outcome of bringing him down to size." Now, I am REALLY looking forward to attending that reunion, in order to put everything into perspective.
Again, thank you, ladies all!
I was 13 stepped early on in a 12 step program, but it did ultimately help me to recognize my addiction to men.
I was so upset by it, it made it very difficult to go back to my homegroup because of the discomfort of seeing him there. He never told me why he dumped me, he just stopped contacting me. So, I dropped into the fellowship and the secretary made him share at the last minute, ironically, he had to sit right in front of me and tell his story (and his new girl friend in the room), he squirmed the whole time because I was right there. It was awesome.
About 5 months later I ran into him, and he waltzed right up to me at a coffee place, all cocky and smiles... trying to be nice... He asked what I had been up to, and I said "none of your business" then he started texting me like crazy, after not hearing from him for months. "im kicking myself for letting you go blaa blaa..."
I hope you can ignore and avoid him, and enjoy yourself. I know you have been anticipating this day for a long time. God only knows how he may act or who he may show up with. I wish he didn't have a heavy role in this day for you. Good luck, keep praying on it.
Do you have any girl friends that can hang tight with you? Having my wing girls in meetings and in the court for my divorce helped A LOT!!! You dont have to do this alone.