Today is 7 days for me. We were in text contact for 4 days before that. And before that, 2 weeks no contact. It's been a month since I've seen him. No idea if I'll ever hear from him again. No goodbye or breakup or argument. Just his disappearing act again.

I'm like you, I have so much hate at times. At other times I find myself defending him. Lately I've been very angry. Especially when I wake up. Everything is so much worse in the morning. I had a dream this morning of getting revenge for how he treated me. I had a very detailed plan on how to destroy his life.

i've just suggested this on the smirb thread......

block him!! it's the ultimate step to taking your power back. live your life. you won't have to wonder b/c you will have made it so he cannot reach you. what this does is brings you peace. great peace of mind. it is taking a stand to untangle from this unhealthy choice to be and stay in relatiosbips with these men.

it also became harder for me to be the one to break contact after the days started adding up. i didn't want to have to start over and having him blocked made it that much easier.

it's for you...it's about you taking your power back and making the decision to move on despite what he does or doesn't do.

and it's TOTALLY EXPECTED TO GET REALLY PISSED OFF FOR A TIME!!!! go with it!! it's okay. i was furious! at him, at the circumstances and at myself....i floated in and out of that until i started getting more distance and clarity...

Thanks, AgentSmith and finnmyway. I texted him today. Guess I am not ready to let go as of yet. This awful tension was building and then I got relief after texting him. He didn't respond so far and very well may not because he may have decided to just cut contact without telling me. It's been a month for me, too, since I've seen him. Have only texted a bit. What I don't get is why I don't just feel happy and relieved that he wants to cut contact. There is some happy and relief but also some deep disappointment and grief and horrible fear of being left all alone. There has always been these twin perspectives or feelings with him. I've experienced that same split feeling in other addictive relationships I've had, too.

Hi Diana,

Contacting him or reaching out for any man only provided me with temporary relief. As quickly as I felt relief I felt disappointed. For me I didn't want to want him but I needed him to want me. If he acted like he was moving on I would initiate contact just to wheel him back in. Sadly, what usually brings any addict to recover is pain, hitting rock bottom. There were times when I wondered how much pain I had to endure from men before I was willing and able to face the pain of being alone and dealing with my own stuff. I think the answer is different for all of us. There is no way to heal yourself without going through the pain. What ever we are avoiding with men, sex, food, drugs, etc will have to be faced. There is no way around it we can prolong it and some of us prolong it and die without every having been restored. I believe that life bring us whatever situation, person, place, or thing we need in order to grow. He came to into your life not to be your great love story but to show you that you are the love you are yearning for.

it's okay diana. just realize that there is a real legitimate chemical thing happening in your brain right now. every time you break contact you will get relief. and then the tension will slowly build. i did this for about a year. until i got good and sick to death of the humiliation i was putting myself through at his hands.

he didn't want me. he didn't love me. he didn't want to be in a relationship with me yet i was pursuing him that was humiliating. even in the end when i finally made no contact stick it was excruciating to let it pass. it was only with some success and time built up that i realized i didn't want to delay the inevitable or have to go through that tension again. once i got past it it started to ease and get better.

it's hard i know. at times it feels impossible. it was literally painful for me. i felt like i was dying. your brain has cortisol and seratonin, dopamine and norepinepherine. all of these chemicals or neurotransmitters are what is making it so hard for you. feeling like a crack addiction. it's real. and it's also true that most of us have had that and there are a great deal of us who have survived it and moved on. you have been there before you can do it again.

when you're ready you will. trust that.

Agreed about it being expected that we get pissed off for a while. But ultimately, anger that's held onto is corrosive for the person who is holding onto it. I found this very useful in helping me get over my anger so I'm posting it here...

"Stored up and unresolved old anger hurts us. If we don't let go of it we typically do one of two things: either we direct it back toward ourselves, eroding our self-worth and falling into depression, or we hurl it in a misdirected way at others, particularly those we care about. we hurt ourselves or someone we like—not a very good selection of options.

“But there is a third option: getting rid of old anger and moving on with your life. Like any other kind of change, releasing old anger takes work and the courage to face yourself openly and honestly. For many of us, there is a temptation to cling jealously to old, archaic resentment, using it as a kind of righteous justification for feeling the way we do. But however justified our resentments may be, however hurtful our old wounds are, this tenacious attachment to them is self-defeating. It binds us to an unpleasant past, distorts and interferes with the present, and prevents a better and more gratifying future.

“There are five basic steps involved in the process of releasing old anger:

"1. RECOGNITION. Frequently, one of the most difficult things for us to do is to discriminate between old, misapplied anger and new, appropriate anger. The difference is that new anger feels roughly proportionate to the cause, while old anger feels excessive, somehow bigger than the crime warrants. New anger can be explained in terms of what has just happened to you, and it seems justified. Old anger can’t be understood in terms of what just triggered it—the intensity and depth of your reaction seem to go beyond.

"2. GETTING BENEATH THE ANGER. The second step is understanding that anger is a protective device we use to cover hurt. We are not simply angry, we are hurt. And old anger represents the deepest of hurts, hurts that continue to torment us. The reason anger is protective is that, unpleasant as it is, it is less devastating than the pain of being hurt. Getting beyond old anger, however, requires facing up to old hurts. It takes acknowledging how we were hurt, who hurt us and how much we were hurt.

"3. EXPRESSING THE HURT. Once you have identified the source of the hurt and what it is about, you must then express it. Let it out, put it into words, cry, scream or write it down. Often with old anger, the people who hurt us aren’t still around, or even if they are, couldn’t understand or constructively deal with our anger. It’s not necessary to confront them directly anyway. But the feelings must be translated into words and ventilated.

"4. FORGIVING THE HURT. Release from old hurt and anger ultimately requires forgiving. Remember, though, forgiving is for YOU. It is your ticket to freedom from old pain; it is not to relieve the person who caused it. Forgiving is not necessarily excusing the people who hurt you; it doesn’t imply that whatever they did was justified. But it is the process that breaks the link in the chain that binds you to old harmful feelings and that begins to heal you. You might say to yourself, 'But I could never forgive him'—but remember, the other side of that declaration is 'I’ll always be hurt.' Try saying something like this: 'You hurt me terribly, and I forgive you and release myself from that hurt.'

"5. VIGILANCE. Getting rid of old anger is a process that takes some time. Anger tends to recur occasionally even long after we think we’ve freed ourselves from it. When that happens, understand and acknowledge it, tell the person you’re with about it clearly and openly, then reaffirm to yourself your freedom from it."