I'm sorry for your pain, it's a horrible place to be. Make sure you stay in touch with us and I suggest you connect to the group on here "Breakups & Divorce" if you aren't already on. You will find much support and kindness there. It is the place that got me through the past year when my husband up and left me in Feb. There is nothing worse than a marriage or relationship breaking up. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you hugs and prayers as you get through the next few days and weeks. For me it was a long journey but I made it and so will you!!!!

oh dear shani.

you created it trying to relieve pain not trying to cause yourself and your husband pain.

i'm sorry.

someone once told me on here that what has already occurred was meant to occur. exactly as it has. there is no one to blame. self blame is not the way to heal your heart.

move your mind toward acceptance and self care.... self compassison. of course it hurts... you didn't want any of this. however perhaps it was supposed to happen exactly this way to teach you some important things like letting go. acceptance. stopping the fantasy. etc.... you went out on him in your marriage b/c you weren't happy. he hasn't changed.

focus on yourself... try not to entertain thoughts about him and his new life. it's all fantasy... and it's all temporary. this is about you... wrap yourself in a warm blanket and have a good cry and when you come out of that push your sleeves up and get to work!!!

Finn thank you so much. I realize I have kept him on a string for security and now that I know that all ties are cut, it is painful. It needed to happen I know. I am trying desperately not to run from the pain, yet not wallow in it either. This balance is hard. Tears come out of no where.

The mornings have always been the hardest for me. Do you have any suggestions for when I first wake up? I lay there in bed and if I have dreamed about him I do know now how to tell my mind that those thoughts are not real and they are just thoughts. But then I lay there and think about the day. What comes to mind always is" you are alone. You have no future right now. You will go on your way today and have to experience sadness. It is cold outside. Just lay here you have no where to go or no one to see."

Now I know these are not positive thoughts, but what can I do to change that? As I wake up and start reading or writing I get stronger and those thoughts go away. I make it thru the day. The nights are fine. It is just those first minutes of waking up that totally screw up my day or morning at least. It makes it really hard to motivate myself to do what I need to do.

The good news is that I am ready now to face the sadness of the marriage being over. I have lingered for nearly 1 and 1/2 years to get to this point!! Why do I always have to learn the hard way???? I seem to like the long loooooooooooooong road to recovery. Tomorrow I will have 13 years sober!! Yay me.

Shani96~
I am so sorry for your pain. I have been there.
This is not about him anymore. It's time to focus on The Most Important Person in the World: You.
The mornings have always been the worst for me, as well. There is something very powerful when you wake from unconsciousness and reality hits you. In my experience it felt like terror. It felt like I could not change the outcome, like I was indefinitely cemented in pain.
I'm here to tell you that this feeling isn't the truth. That feeling isn't a fact. It's valid, don't get me wrong. But, the beauty and freedom come softly when you take action - when you take small steps for yourself. I had to get up for work, so some days "just showing up" was good enough for me. Then I forced myself to get some exercise and go for a walk in the evenings - being outside in nature helped a lot. Then I forced myself to start cooking healthy foods that I desired. Shopping and cooking was very meditational. Next came forcing myself to show up at *anything* my friends and family invited me to, even if I didn't feel like it. Really, all of these small steps added up over a brief period time and inevitably proved to myself that Yes, I am OK, and that I did have the strength to move forward. I know you do, too.
This all takes time. I had bad days in-between. And it takes support, which I am glad you are seeking.
Try something small, today. Complacency breeds discontent; action begets inspriration.
xo

Penn thank you. There is a mtg just down the street from my new house at 7am. I have plenty of time to walk there(ie get some exercise) and then still get to work at a decent time(I work for myself). I think I need to set an alarm and just get the hell up out of bed immediately. Your last quote got me motivated: action begets inspiration....thank you sooooo much for reminding me of how to do it.

Shan~ I dare you to go to your meeting and talk with someone... anyone. Just share yourself. I dare you not to feel better, afterwards. xo

I did it! Got up and drove(too cold and dark to walk yet) to the mtg. I cannot say it was wonderful but it was pretty good. Met a few new people, smiled and listened. The message was wonderful. It was all about prayer and meditation. Everything I need to be doing to bring peace to the situation right now. I left feeling very thankful for my life.

I am saturating myself with positive things and trying to keep the sadness to a minimum. Thank you so much for inspiring me yesterday to do what I needed to do. Thank God for this site.

Hi Shani, I can only echo what everyone else has said...here's sending you a great big warm cyber hug. I am thinking about you and am sending you healing vibes. Do something really nice for yourself. You are loved.

13 years~!!!!!!! holy smokes!!!!!! Shani!!!!!!!! that's amazing and wonderful!!

you asked about mornings.

i do have some ideas for you.... if interested read on. if not ignore ;-)

change what you're doing. if you're laying around feeling horrible, stop that. get right up. or roll over and turn on some music. get up and dance instead. don't allow yourself to think about your day at that point. get up. change what you're doeing. go for a walk. invigorate. then have some coffee and think about the fist 1/3 of your day. at the end of that 1.3 think about the next 1/3 rd. just do the next right thing. if 24 hours is too much to think about break it down into smaller steps. everytime you think to yourself you're alone add the words AND FABULOUS! make it a game. the trick is friend to change up what your'e doing b/c what you're doing you're telling us isn't working for you. it's making you sad. that sadness is based on your thoughts completely so it's time to change the way you think...


you can use ACT tools and say oh hello there's my i'm all alone in the world story. sing it to the happy birthday tune. we all have stories that upset us but we don't need to let it. just awareness is key. when that group of thoughts comes up you can just name it your XXXXXX story and thank it for coming and move on... light a candle of your story and let it burn out. write it up and bury it. or burn it.

this is only a snapshot in time today shani. this is not permanent. that's one thing you can count on for sure. life is never permanent.....

Thank you all sooooo much. I am struggling to stay afloat. I know things will change, but I have always run out and changed them NOW! I do not wish to do that and stuff all these feelings right now. At the same time I am trying to stay positive as much as possible during each 24 hours. I am literally taking each day as it comes.

I love the happy birthday theme. I will practice it daily! I also like the candle thing thank you.

I have so much going for myself, I know that, but I have always run away from my life and now I am trying to stay. It is hard. Thank you all for being there for me.