Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hello,
I am reading Letters from WWLTM. It did not resonate with me as deeply as the Book- I am not sure why. It did give more insight into the author though. In this book she talks about why she left the counseling profession (to work on her own recovery) and she talked briefly and on the surface about her struggles with being a WWLTM. She does not want to be viewed as an expert she wants to be seen as a peer.
I must admit that in my mind she was the expert and I read her book like a faithful student. I struggle with taking care of myself and trusting my own instinct and understanding. But I think that recovery really is about learning to trust yourself, take care of yourself, and becoming less dependent on others. Or rather developing healthier ways to interact with others. There is an aspect of my own recovery that I really have not shared in depth. Well there are really two aspects of it that I have not shared.
One- I have no desire what so ever to become involved in any 12-step program. I have tried it before for OA and I didn't like it. Both of the Books are heavy on getting into a support group or really some form of a 12-step group. I am not resistant toward the approach because I don't desire to be vulnerable in a group setting. I love support group- I have facilitated support groups as well. My resistance toward it really does not have a conceptual idea behind it. All I can say is that it did not and still does not resonate with me as something that I should do. My struggle is should I trust myself or should I trust the "expert" who has no desire to be considered and expert. Will I not gain the amount of recovery that is need because I don't want to join a 12- step group?
Two- I am starting to think that recovery for me is less about me and more about a deeper and spiritual journey. All of the pain and awareness that I have gained from my pain leads me to believe that there is something deeper trying to come forth. I have not really shared that here because I was scared as to how it would be perceived. I did not want to be perceived as a religious fanatic or a metaphysical air-head. But I feel like I have to start showing up fully in all aspects of my life and this really is a part of me that I cant keep hiding. I was brought up in the African American Methodist Episcopal church. I was taught to believe that I was a sinner saved by Jesus- dying for sins I had not yet committed. I was told that it was through him that I would be saved- and allowed to go to heaven after death. In and of myself I wasn't worthy but He was. I got "saved" not because I loved Jesus or God but because I didn't want to go to hell. I couldn't really get answers to questions and I was filled with doubt, disbelief, and resentment. Why create me so unworthy? A choice between heaven and hell was really not a choice at all.
In college I read a book called Conversations with God that would spark in me a real search and real relationship with the God of my understanding. Now, I don't have a name for my religious belief. I believe that all paths lead to God or rather to the Source from whence we came. I pray because I choose to and because it enriches my life to believe. I take comfort and find solace in conversations with God. I don't even call God- God I call Him Izzy. Izzy is not my name but to me it stands for is-all-ness. For a while I just tried not to even think about Jesus and even now I pray directly to Izzy and not through Jesus. It took me a long time to reconcile my guilt and resentment I felt toward Jesus. Now, I view him and his teaching as an example of what life can be for all of us if we know who we are. I have received mixed reviews in my life about my religious or rather non-religious views. I have come to accept what I believe in spite of what others think. Most times I don't share- you have to earn the right to hear my story, beliefs, and truths. I shared it here because I felt the resistance not to share it.
I am starting to realize that recovery for me means showing up fully even when I am scared that I will be blamed, judged, and abandoned. It is the same fear that silences me in relationships. It is the same fear that makes me act nicer than I am, that causes me to control and manipulates others.
Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have stopped praying and asking for a husband. I surrendered it. I have also been praying and telling Izzy how scared, unsure, and worried I am about myself and life. I started saying "tell me that I am okay, tell me that I will be okay." My brother (who is a minister) said you are really asking for another set of problems so that God can prove to you that you are ok. I also believe and am starting to understand the Law of Attraction. So, I could understand his point. Even the question implies that I am not okay there for the Universe would provide evidence of my beliefs- hence problems of not being okay. So, I changed that prayer to I don't know what to pray for. What I have come to understand now is that there really is nothing I can do to heal myself. I have tried everything I can humanly think of to get well. I am 36 years old and I started reading self-help books when I was teenager. I have been in pain a long time. I have prayed for everything I thought would heal me and most things I received only to find out the healing does not last for long. I am praying and asking for guidance and direction and currently I have to say that right now I am just waiting. My brother said that what I am struggling with is soul-work. Funny, but when I read the letters from wwltm the author said the same thing. I think maybe even that is guidance from Izzy. It is a slight nudge that I am headed in the right direction-that I am starting to ask questions that will provide real answers. I realize that in some ways I don't know what I need because everything I have truly asked for really was based on a false belief in myself and others. I thought men would heal me, jobs would validate me, homes would elevate me, losing weight would define me. I asked Izzy last night why would you allow me to take such useless journeys over and over again. Because all paths lead us home.
I am reading Letters from WWLTM. It did not resonate with me as deeply as the Book- I am not sure why. It did give more insight into the author though. In this book she talks about why she left the counseling profession (to work on her own recovery) and she talked briefly and on the surface about her struggles with being a WWLTM. She does not want to be viewed as an expert she wants to be seen as a peer.
I must admit that in my mind she was the expert and I read her book like a faithful student. I struggle with taking care of myself and trusting my own instinct and understanding. But I think that recovery really is about learning to trust yourself, take care of yourself, and becoming less dependent on others. Or rather developing healthier ways to interact with others. There is an aspect of my own recovery that I really have not shared in depth. Well there are really two aspects of it that I have not shared.
One- I have no desire what so ever to become involved in any 12-step program. I have tried it before for OA and I didn't like it. Both of the Books are heavy on getting into a support group or really some form of a 12-step group. I am not resistant toward the approach because I don't desire to be vulnerable in a group setting. I love support group- I have facilitated support groups as well. My resistance toward it really does not have a conceptual idea behind it. All I can say is that it did not and still does not resonate with me as something that I should do. My struggle is should I trust myself or should I trust the "expert" who has no desire to be considered and expert. Will I not gain the amount of recovery that is need because I don't want to join a 12- step group?
Two- I am starting to think that recovery for me is less about me and more about a deeper and spiritual journey. All of the pain and awareness that I have gained from my pain leads me to believe that there is something deeper trying to come forth. I have not really shared that here because I was scared as to how it would be perceived. I did not want to be perceived as a religious fanatic or a metaphysical air-head. But I feel like I have to start showing up fully in all aspects of my life and this really is a part of me that I cant keep hiding. I was brought up in the African American Methodist Episcopal church. I was taught to believe that I was a sinner saved by Jesus- dying for sins I had not yet committed. I was told that it was through him that I would be saved- and allowed to go to heaven after death. In and of myself I wasn't worthy but He was. I got "saved" not because I loved Jesus or God but because I didn't want to go to hell. I couldn't really get answers to questions and I was filled with doubt, disbelief, and resentment. Why create me so unworthy? A choice between heaven and hell was really not a choice at all.
In college I read a book called Conversations with God that would spark in me a real search and real relationship with the God of my understanding. Now, I don't have a name for my religious belief. I believe that all paths lead to God or rather to the Source from whence we came. I pray because I choose to and because it enriches my life to believe. I take comfort and find solace in conversations with God. I don't even call God- God I call Him Izzy. Izzy is not my name but to me it stands for is-all-ness. For a while I just tried not to even think about Jesus and even now I pray directly to Izzy and not through Jesus. It took me a long time to reconcile my guilt and resentment I felt toward Jesus. Now, I view him and his teaching as an example of what life can be for all of us if we know who we are. I have received mixed reviews in my life about my religious or rather non-religious views. I have come to accept what I believe in spite of what others think. Most times I don't share- you have to earn the right to hear my story, beliefs, and truths. I shared it here because I felt the resistance not to share it.
I am starting to realize that recovery for me means showing up fully even when I am scared that I will be blamed, judged, and abandoned. It is the same fear that silences me in relationships. It is the same fear that makes me act nicer than I am, that causes me to control and manipulates others.
Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have stopped praying and asking for a husband. I surrendered it. I have also been praying and telling Izzy how scared, unsure, and worried I am about myself and life. I started saying "tell me that I am okay, tell me that I will be okay." My brother (who is a minister) said you are really asking for another set of problems so that God can prove to you that you are ok. I also believe and am starting to understand the Law of Attraction. So, I could understand his point. Even the question implies that I am not okay there for the Universe would provide evidence of my beliefs- hence problems of not being okay. So, I changed that prayer to I don't know what to pray for. What I have come to understand now is that there really is nothing I can do to heal myself. I have tried everything I can humanly think of to get well. I am 36 years old and I started reading self-help books when I was teenager. I have been in pain a long time. I have prayed for everything I thought would heal me and most things I received only to find out the healing does not last for long. I am praying and asking for guidance and direction and currently I have to say that right now I am just waiting. My brother said that what I am struggling with is soul-work. Funny, but when I read the letters from wwltm the author said the same thing. I think maybe even that is guidance from Izzy. It is a slight nudge that I am headed in the right direction-that I am starting to ask questions that will provide real answers. I realize that in some ways I don't know what I need because everything I have truly asked for really was based on a false belief in myself and others. I thought men would heal me, jobs would validate me, homes would elevate me, losing weight would define me. I asked Izzy last night why would you allow me to take such useless journeys over and over again. Because all paths lead us home.
"I am starting to realize that recovery for me means showing up fully even when I am scared that I will be blamed, judged, and abandoned. It is the same fear that silences me in relationships. It is the same fear that makes me act nicer than I am, that causes me to control and manipulates others"
when my lover left and it got to be too much I would pray for the pain to be taken away. "please please take away this pain i can't bear it." and it would make it a bit easier for a time. just to recognize my weakness. to accept that i need help. and now i'm here. and i have help.
You are ok. You're here. You're showing up. You're doing the work. We're all on a journey to somewhere. We may be struggling uphill but that's how you climb the mountain. :) xo
"My struggle is should I trust myself or should I trust the 'expert' who has no desire to be considered and expert. Will I not gain the amount of recovery that is need because I don't want to join a 12- step group?"
This is something you need to answer for yourself, but in my mind, 'expert advice' is always just a suggestion, never an absolute. In TokyoWorld, experts are there for us to riff off of. There's no harm in trying a 12-step group but if your gut is telling you otherwise (or else if you have found in the past that they didn't do it for you), then go with that. A formula I'm trying to live by is "try everything but in the end, go with what works for you." Above all, trust your gut! (That's not idle speak. I just learned that the gut actually has neuron cells that produce neurotransmitters -- it is a great big second BRAIN. There's all kinds of articles online about it, like this one http://tinyurl.com/o7fpeov)
"Why create me so unworthy? A choice between heaven and hell was really not a choice at all."
That is brilliantly put. You really do have a gift for seeing to the heart of the matter.
And I LOVE that you pray to Izzy. Love love love! My views on religion overlap a fair bit with yours. (Though I don't pray to "Tokyo" but rather to something vaguely defined as The Be-All and End-All.)
I have to think long and hard about "showing up fully" -- it seems to me I've spend my life showing up only half-ly.
"I realize that in some ways I don't know what I need because everything I have truly asked for really was based on a false belief in myself and others."
That strikes a chord with me because I've been working on what I call 'authenticity,' which is essentially trying to see and weed out false beliefs (which as you correctly point out, are at the root of a lot of trouble). It's long and hard and I feel very much in the dark. Though I'm also very optimistic, because it feels like at long last I have gotten my teeth into something that can really make a difference.
And finally, pain. I know I have a giant ocean of it inside of me and it's constantly threatening to slosh out. But no matter how much I heal, I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of ALL of it. Yesterday I felt it acutely at one point and in desperation (I was driving), reached for the radio. Out came Bach's Chaconne. I don't know if you are a classical fan or not but this is a piece of music that (for me) talks to me of all of my pain and takes my pain and all human pain from time immemorial and elevates it to something truly sublime. When it finished I thought, Well there's your answer [to pain]. I don't know if that makes any sense but it's what I thought.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBJPVnJ8m-Y
It is a truly monumental work -- for me, a religious experience, pure and simple. What I love about this video is how the musician is so completely lost in the music and how he plays with his whole body.
Thank you for your response. My post seem to be getting longer and longer. I feel like I am purging information, pain, questions, and everything else. The more I write the more it seems l still need to say. I think letting go of the want and belief that there is someone out there- an expert- is difficult for me. Scared of being wrong- has caused me not to act many times in my life. The temptation to avoid pain is something that I struggle with constantly. I am trying to incorporate healthier alternatives. Even the book says that you cant stop doing something without replacing it with something else.