Ok. basic update... going through a very rough time, spiritually, financially ,and relationship wise. I lost my job, in turn lost my place, am denied unemployment because of being in college, and denied much help with anything because of my plans to pursue education. amazing how little state help there is for someone trying to be in school for anything other than technical/vocational certificates. I havent been able to log on, and the times i have been able to i have just been too emotionally exhausted to post anything. i apologize for that.

losing my place quickly has put me in a bind with my relationship. as i am now completely reliant on my BF for monetary purposes. My family would not help me out, nor do they even seem to care about my well being. typical of them. but while we were discussing moving in together again... it was going to be more on my terms. Now with this sudden change of events, He found us a cheap place so that me and my daughter would not be living in a homeless shelter. So far things are ok. He has worked out alot of his own issues that led to the demise of our first attempt at a relationship, however i feel completely out of control. it is no fault of his, he does what he can to help me. he makes sure there is food and that i can get back and forth to where i need to go. Ive just never had to rely on someone so completely. its a very hard thing to do, especially when we are rebuilding trust. The events have been hard on my daughter as well. but we are plugging along.
in a short time i seem to have lost what little i had, and being told a big fat NO for anything i try to accomplish. but i will not give up my education. im close to my associates and am looking at transfers. I just need to get through the next couple years. in about two years i will be graduating with a Bachelors of Science in psychology... i just try to keep that goal in mind, however hard things are.

I cant help but think back to the life situations that have led me here, and it even furthers my resolve to learn to love myself, and someday get out there and help others. I want to work with specifically teens from a dysfunctional/abusive background. Cause i know, when i was 15, if one of those counselors/psychiatrists would have looked at me as a person, and helped me learn to love myself, teach me the tools i didnt have, then it would have saved me alot of heartache and pain, especially in relationships.
The inner dialogue we hold in our subconscious is taxing.... and for me... is incredibly apparent for the first time in my life. i always knew i had a negative self image, but i never heard the voice that told me so. Now i hear that voice, telling me im not good enough, that im worthless, that im not smart enough, that i will never beat this, that i will never amount to anything, the why would anyone love me voice that is so strong that even when someone shows they do love me, it grabs on to any thread of doubt and magnifies it to the point where i push people away, because that voice screams so loudly that that person will hurt me, that person does not really love me.

I have alot to deal with, socially, emotionally, mentally, physically, and i am not even sure where to begin. but i know that any strength i have ever had, has come from hardship. somehow i am still here, and somehow i still function, and somehow, i still care and have empathy, even with all the anger and hurt i have inside me.
I feel like i have already given up, that there is no hope, but yet here i am. typing about it. all i know is that i have to fix this, and i have to fix it NOW. im so tired of being tired, and hurt, and angry, and not seeing things clearly because of that stupid voice. but at least now, i can hear it, so maybe now since i can hear it, i can stop it from running my life, cause before when i would try to find it, it has its own defense mechanism, and i would go blank... emotionally. i woudl go into a counseling session, and go blank. it didnt matter. I have a way of being able to tell someone my entire life story, and they still wont know who I am.