Ive always been at a crossroads with my crazy dysfuncitonal family. My mother was the main one who abused me, then my stepfather came along and either didnt stop it or added to it because she wanted him to. I took the abuse so my sisters didnt have to. they revere their "real dad". but when it comes down to it, i am an abomination to the family. my step dad is remarried and divorced from my mother. My mother is single, and still just as condesending and well... crazy. neither one will ever acknowledge what happened to me.
im in a time in my life right now that i could use help, even if just a little bit of support. i borrowed some hay and grain from their store for my horses, im not making the money i used to and im struggling horribly. i only owe them a hundred dollars, and today they make it sound like i owe them thousands. but they will take my sisters in, pay for things for them, and ive never asked for money.... not once. not even now. they go on family vacations and dont even think to invite me. their friends do not know about me. i offer help around the house... they dont let me. then say i do nothing. My mother says i can move in with her, but my child cannot cry at night when she goes to bed. and she really is my only option. cause i i have two horses and two dogs, and nowhere to put them and no money to keep my place. i put in for a student loan but my paperwork was lost somewhere... so who knows when that will go through, or if it will even go through on time. if it does, i will be saved. if it doesnt, well then i dont know what to do. i just hope it goes through.
i asked my mom to discuss what happened, to discuss the fact i have PTSD from HER abuse.
i want to talk to her as an adult, face to face, i want to know what was going on with her that she did that to me, i want her to admit it. i want her to look me in the eye and admit it. not blame me for it.
but i have accepted that i might not ever get that. but i could not live with her until i did, it could send me over the edge, as much as i might like to live in the woods again. something has to happen. it has too...

Ive had an on again off again relationship for over a year now... still not sure what to do with that. He is unlike anyone i have ever encountered. and we care about each other, but we both have our issues. and after what i have been through, i want it to be all about me... and its hard that it cant be.
the other option is to have him move in with me again... to help out with rent... but im a bit apprehensive about that as well right now. i dont want to break up again if we got back together. he is going to my counseling sessions im going to start soon for my PTSD, and he is there for me and has been really sweet for a while now and there for me emotionally.

I wish i could move away and just see my family every couple years on a holiday... i wish i was strong enough to cut contact with them all. im tired of the shit talking, im tired of the way they look at me, im tired of they way they say i raise my kid. im tired of them telling me their problems. my step mom says she is losing her house every month and cant afford food, but she goes on vacations and gets her hair done the next day. its ridiculous. every conversation you have with her is like that. they OWN a business, that is semi successful. and my step father is a firefighter. my 17 year old sister thinks she is smarter than me, and better than me. tells me so even.
will gain up on me with my mother... i just cant handle anymore. im gonna snap if i even try to. and if i move in with my mother, that is exactly what i think would happen. she would either kick me out like she did when i was 13, or my sister will get in my face and i will lose it on her. whether they believe me or not, i have PTSD, and if im pushed, i will snap. i will black out and lose my mind. i need to be in a place of comfort, not a place of stress.
but there really are limited options.