so true

hey speedy! so hard to accept that everything I wanted with him was never going to happen and never will. I honestly wonder how much of a lie it really was. did I ever mean anything at all to him? doesn't really matter now. I guess for me acceptance today means understanding I will probably never know the whole truth but I can know my truth and my thoughts and feelings about the whole thing.

"so hard to accept that everything I wanted with him was never going to happen and never will." - THIS.

I accept that what I thought was some special connection that we had was unique, powerful and we were both swept away by something we had never felt before was just an affair....a man that was selfish enough to use me during a time when he wasn't getting something from his wife and he wanted to feel something different. I also accept that I am vulnerable to the impossible relationship because in my stomach, that means they must REALLY love me. And now, I accept that I am better than what he did to me, that I deserve better and that I will continue to hurt myself with these relationships unless I take some time off and learn how to love myself.

Swelsha, you are so right. I have obsessed over what the truth was for him (just like I have done in other relationships). But it really doesn't matter. I can hold onto the fact that I know my truth. And the facts of my truth were that I knew in my gut that he was wrong for me, that he didn't deserve me and that I deserve better than this. Now we can work on listening to that truth much sooner.

I agree with all of you. If I were to be honest and make a list, it would be stacked against him. I know that I am not the things he accused me of being. I know that even though I wasn't perfect, I did everything I could to make him happy and he did not do the same for me. I will probably never have the answers. You are right, he was selfish. Acceptance is very hard to work on.

instead of looking at it as trying to accept that all those things will never happen... thinking like that hurts and causes us to dwell.... try thinking like this maybe. accept that he is sick. ACCEPT that you cannot fix him or make him better. accept that you did all you could do, and gave all you could give... and its time to let go and move on. its ok to grieve for this loss of fantasy... and at times it even feels like a death... and in truth it could be so. the person you thought you loved, you just found out does not exist. it is ok to grieve for this person. adn maybe this person does exist out there, just not with this face.

Thanks Dracona, this was very helpful. We need to accept that we cannot fix him. I cannot change him and make him love me. I did all I could. I do grieve the loss of fantasy. The person I loved does not exist.
Maybe with another face? Maybe.

This may sound a bit harsh, but we also need to accept partial responsibility in the fact that we get stuck in these cycles. we are sick too, but unlike them, we CAN and WILL get better. we can choose better. day by day. minute by minute, we learn to breathe again.

what we have to do... think of it like this. we are wired wrong. our feel good times feel good at the wrong times.

I think of it like a laptop that got a virus and infiltrated all this information that i thought was important.
in the process of wiping the harddrive clean and re learning all the information that was lost and making sure i have anti virus protection this time and dont open random emails or troll uncertain websites

So true.... I been telling myself all day.... he left, he just left, is over. Everytme a excuse come to mind( maybe this or that) I say to myself HE LEFT EVEN IF HE DID SAY ANYTHING.

The truth will set us free... but not the truth of what the narc/path want us to believe... narcs and paths mirror our truths, kindness, etc.... and in doing that they also try (and sometime suceed) at convincing us that we are the crazy one... the one not living in reality... the one who is selfish, stupid, childish, weak and all the other defaults they have.... we are living in reality of love, truth, kindness, understanding, all the things that are good and pleasing to God... (wanting to feel, love, laugh, have a good, happy, healthy relationship is not a fairytale it is a good reality) yes life has it's ups and downs, no one is perfect, we all makes mistakes... but I am sick of thinking loving from my heart and soul, being caring, feeling for others is a bad way to live. the fairytale for me is when I let my imagination turn a fu##ed up relationship into a good thing... time to live in reality, if someone is being cruel and mean that is what they are being, and I can not be happy in that situation. if I want love, kindness etc... i need to find someone capable of them...

i am starting to understand why some people see me as a threat, a freak, different, weird etc... but I do not have to believe or let them influence me to be less than I am intended to be.. these people are fake and hiding something...

I think they are weird sometimes also... lol so i'm done feeding egos... lowering myself to their expectations/level so they can feel good about themself.... if they want to feel good about themselves they have the right to do the work I have to do for myself... my cup IS full and running over.... and it is time to stop letting folks try to suck it dry... time for them to get their own cup... or stay miserable and alone... I will still love them and wish the best for them, but what they think is the best for them is their choice, just like what i know is best for me is my choice... and He/they are not best for me not even close.. .

you are all amazing, sweet, caring people.... stop thinking that is a bad thing.... it is bad to let people take our good qualities and twist them into something bad.... the good qualities are not bad... : ) GOOD is GOOD... I/we just need to learn to be proud of and appreciate them and ourselves for being who we are.

Thats really awesome... im still trying to get there. i thought i was, but i was doing it out of anger, not true compassion. it was not i wish you the best with a free heart, it was I wish you the best and hope you choke on it. im trying to learn to not be angry, and to not think that everyone is out to get me.

I had my moments of being very angry, at him, at myself, at the world. Now, I'm trying to concentrate on my healing and appreciate the good that is around me. As hard as it is to grieve the loss of fantasy.

I have angry days. I got angry at him sometimes. I accept my feelings and know they will pass. I really don't care if I ever feeling compassion for him. maybe someday I will but not this day.

i agree drac ... there is a part of me that says I don't wish you the best and hope you choke on it... i am angry but don't like the feeling of being angry and harboring anger and resentment... I process my feelings when I am angry and then let it go. unlike the paths/narcs of being angry, cynicle and negative i have the opposite problem. I am wired to have a problem getting angry, am not negative and always give everyone the benefit of the doubt... I think there is good in everyone just like some people think everyone is bad... as long as i know i am wired that way I can try to open my mind to the fact that their are bad people out there who have poor intentions and attitude toward others. I can't become an angry person who pushes people around to get my needs met but I sure can be more careful in choosing who I hang around. accept the fact that their are mean people out there and be aware of the fact so I can stop being toooo trusting toooo caring tooo loving to the wrong people.. protect myself from mean nasty people...

God,
Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.