ive been doing well, and while i enjoy being alone with my daughter, it gives me time to think... and at the same time hurts. My daughter today, asked how many daddy's she had. and when she draws pictures she draws pictures of multiple daddy's, and only one mommy and baby, and the rest of the family and dogs. this kills me inside. just kills me. what do i tell her when she is older? or when her real dad tries to show his face?

Mommy almost married your real daddy, but then he dumped mommy and left her on the curb for another and decides he can come around whenever he wants, but he really doesnt care, then mommy needed help when you were born, and she met daddy austin, and he was a great guy, but mommy still wanted more in life so she left daddy austin, and tried another relationship... and you never even called him daddy. but mommy still lets you see and call daddy austin daddy, because in all this he was the only real man? who no longer cares about mommy because mommy left him. and if mommy ever has to move away due to a job or other, then you will not see daddy austin for years.

I HATE THIS. i always wanted to be with the man, who was the father of my child. even being with austin i was ok with... because of who he was and how close he was. he was the closest thing to a family i ever had. but give someone an inch and they will take a mile right? and i drove away. yes, i miss that. yes, i ridicule myself for wanting more, yes i know there was nothing wrong with wanting more. yes, i know take it one day at a time, but in this moment im feeling hurt and sad. it probably has to do with that i am sick and just want relief, and since im so focused on being sick some of my emotions leaked out. all i ever wanted was family, all i ever wanted was love.... all i ever found was abuse and disrespect. and now i just want peace. my soul is weary. i know im gonna feel ridiculous tomorrow for posting this... but right now i feel like a little kid in the dark. yes, i can comfort myself, yes, i can be strong on my own, but i just dont want to. i want something familiar... i want to be able to let go... i want a mommy... i dont have one of those either. im trying to stop the pity party, but i really do feel like a big baby right now. hell, im not even making my daughter go to bed cause i know how she feels. go ahead honey, stay up. maybe im like this right now cause my mom did come over... she brought me groceries, and acted her concerned loving parent role. i hate this role. cause in her own twisted way, i know she loves me, and i just dont feel the same. and i know, that however nice she is, she will be twice as mean in the long run, or feel that she is owed for her niceness... she never does anything, without expecting something in return, whether status or money, or a favor in the future. even when it comes to birthday presents. i feel like im going to explode... i really have no one... and i wonder, WHY? am i that bad a person? why the hell does everyone think they can disrespect me, but if i were to say the exact same thing they would never let it go? im sorry. im just feeling lonely, used. discarded. not by my recent situation, just by all of them. i feel spent. drained. and yet i hurt. and right now i just want someone to hug me. i dont want to talk... i just want someone to let me cry on them.