When I feel like you are it usually means i've got some emotional issues or some trauma history that I haven't finished processing.

. so how do i accept something good?

You accepted it by realizing you deserve it. Even if happiness mean something different for each individual, you need to know you deserve it.

Inspite of everything that has happend in your life you need to accept that things can change for good. That doesn't mean you don't still work on those things that haunt you, but accept great things because you are a great person.

This expereince with the sociopath made me wonder if I would ever get passed it. I accepted that it happend and moved on. Now I can accept happiness, joy, peace is what I DESERVE, because I can also bring it to the table, and I DESERVE IT.

Change the way you see you and then you will realize you deserve every thing happiness has to offer.

So Glad You Are back!

Just saw this on baggagerelaim.co.uk and thought of you Dracona, our little Apache!
You truly deserve all that is good in your life right now. Embrace it!

I often hear people discuss self-esteem like it’s something mystical and in short supply. Fundamentally, self-esteem comes down to treating and regarding yourself as a person of value. It’s about your confidence and perceiving yourself as being worthwhile.

How much confidence you have is directly linked to your beliefs because what you hold to be true about life, relationships, love, and yourself is intrinsically tied to what you believe your capabilities are in that context. If for example, you think that all relationships don’t last it’s because you don’t believe that you can have a lasting relationship. You’ll be afraid that you’ll balls it up or scare them off with your ‘flaws’ that make you ‘not good enough’.

With that lack of confidence, who are you likely to choose? A partner you can share a mutually fulfilling relationship with (a co-pilot) or someone that will take you on an unhealthy relationship journey dictated under their terms ( a driver)?

A ‘driver’ reflects your beliefs although you look for them to challenge them and love you, only for them to confirm your beliefs that you have no reason to be confident and aren’t valuable and worthwhile loving. You’ll try to change them and win them to bolster yourself – love against the odds.

With a ‘co-pilot’ that has a reasonable level of self-esteem, you’ll initially feel bolstered by their ‘investment’ in you and then because of your beliefs and the fears, you won’t believe in this relationship and treat them like a driver and act like a passenger. You’ll wonder what the hell they’re doing with you and may even lose respect for them for ‘making a bad investment’. You won’t put both of your feet in and you’ll sabotage it. When it ends, you’ll be back in your uncomfortable comfort zone.

With low self-esteem you default to being a passenger in your relationships and often in other areas of your life – you’ll look for people (and sometimes objects and substances) to create feelings in you that you don’t feel yourself. You make external sources the solution to your internal problems. You may also try to be the solution to other people’s problems to bolster yourself.

You’ll look for others to have confidence in you, to make you valuable or determine your value, and ultimately prove how worthwhile you are.

Good self-esteem requires loving yourself unconditionally – that’s loving and liking you consistently instead of it being conditional and linked to external factors. It’s acceptance instead of rejecting yourself otherwise you’ll internalise other people’s actions or something not going right.

When your self-love is conditional, when, for example your relationships end, it’ll be ‘Broken relationship, broken me’.


When people overstep your boundaries, you’ll think ‘What is wrong with me that they don’t think I’m worthy enough to respect my boundaries?’

When someone isn’t interested, you’ll think ‘There’s something wrong with me’.



People with self-esteem think ‘My relationship is broken, I’m not’, ‘They overstepped my boundaries because they didn’t recognise the line and/or they are disrespectful’ and ‘Bummer! They’re not interested. That sucks but…NEXT!’ and they also don’t jump to the conclusion that there’s something wrong with them.

Many of us think we like and love ourselves, maybe because we consider ourselves attractive, intelligent, good at our jobs, liked by our friends, able to ‘pull’ etc (these by the way, are qualities that people often describe themselves as to me) but you can tell a lot about how you feel about yourself by who you’re attracted to, the situations you engage in, how you deal with rejection/success, how deep you’ll get into an unhealthy relationship, and whether you’ll walk away – you’ll hear a lot more ‘can’t’ from someone that has self-esteem issues.

If you’ve struggled to process and act upon code amber and red behaviour and are boggled by boundaries, it’s because you’re not confident in your value and you don’t believe you’re worthwhile enough to have a line.

You either don’t know the line so can’t communicate it anyway or you do, but think it’s aggressive, confrontational, ‘scary’ etc to actually expect and even ask people to treat you with respect.

Often you’ll assume that ‘others’ get treated better because they have some magical quality, better looks, job, more money or something that has even the most jumped up assclowns in the universe automatically knowing where the line is. That’s completely untrue.
If ‘others’ get treated better it’s because they have boundaries and have at the very least a reasonable level of confidence in their value and believe that they are worthwhile enough not to put up with shady behaviour.

They say NO, opt out and believe they deserve better than what’s on the other side of a jumped boundary – disrespect.

Part of the reason why you can end up in an unhealthy relationship is that instead of learning to be confident in yourself and determining your own value, you get them to, and in knowing, even though you may deny it, that they’re unavailable too, if they do change, you think that it shows that you can change and that you’re valuable. On some level you recognise some ‘synergy’ and relate to them due to your own emotional circumstances, so by placing your confidence in them, it’s like a round the houses way of placing confidence in you.
You’ll often put them on a pedestal with potential and blindly love and trust them because you hope the overflow will swing back your way and they’ll see potential in you.

When they don’t, you not only continue to lose faith and confidence in love and relationships, but you lose an even greater amount in yourself. If even they can’t find value in you, you figure there must be something seriously wrong with you. That’s why some relationships are particularly tricky to let go of because you think ‘Hold on a frigging second here – what? Even they can’t love me?’
You may have spent an entire lifetime looking for people to confirm that you’re loveable, valuable, worthwhile, respectable, beautiful etc and because you don’t feel that way yet and have had various negative experiences, you may feel that the worst is true. However, it’s not true in the wider sense, but it is true of attempting to get love or validation from inappropriate sources. Change how you feel about and treat you and your beliefs and that ‘truth’ shifts dramatically.
Even if you haven’t felt this way ever before, it’s time to decide that you are worth the effort and that even if you have previously sold yourself short, that you will value you by committing to acting with self-love, self-care, self-trust, and self-respect from now on.
Self-esteem requires being out of a comfort zone where you’re not good enough.
It’s about taking previous experiences and using them as a benchmark to recognise that to continue taking shortcuts to get others to feel and do what you don’t is insanity.


Create value by setting and sticking to boundaries, opting out of inappropriate situations, refusing to go down the path of least resistance where you sell yourself short, asking questions, speaking up, treating yourself well consistently, and not believing that you’ve been singled out by the universe as ‘not good enough’.

Self-esteem is your responsibility – that’s why it has the word ‘self’ in it. As a result you and only you can build it and nurture it. Stop looking for other people and external sources to do what ultimately starts and ends with you.

Its definetly the acceptance that helps set you free Dracona.I have found that during this last year of trying to heal from XN it was the many months of intrusive thoughts and trying to make sense of something that i will never make sense of that held my progress back.It was only when i accepted that yes this happened and he did what he did and i cannot change it that i do feel this new found freedom.I have my bad days still and i miss him terribly at times despite what he did but im not allowing what happened to keep destroying my chance at future happiness anymore.

I'm with you on the "maybe I'll never be happy" Dracona. I'm beginning to think (and trying to accept) that this is the way I'll feel for the rest of my life. There may be little pockets of happiness here and there, but I am starting to be convinced that I will always have a dark cloud over my head and a hold in my soul. I think instead of trying to look for happiness, I need to find a way to deal with feeling this way.

Thanks all, and WOW laundrygirl, that sure hit the bull's eye center. ive been going through all of that in a very intense way. wondering why no one respects me, and trying to figure out how to put my foot down in a civil when either way, its ugly. my mother, curses at me in front of my daughter the other day, continuously demands more money from me for having my horses on her property, and continously disrespects me, in front of my boyfriend, in front of everyone. im tired of it. so tired of it, but how do you tell someone to stop who doesnt understand? there was one point where i told her to clean her house or she would not see her granddaughter. she actually did after alot of fighting. it is now back to that filthy unhealthy pigstye, but she did it once. it was very painful for me to put my foot down like that to her. but i have to do it again, i cant allow her to be the black hole that she has been my whole life and continue to suck the life out of me. she is the reason i am as messed up as i am. she had no right to talk like that in front of my daughter. my recent ex, who i love dearly, but will just never grow up it seems, also cursed me in front of my daughter. i still let him see her as he has been her father all this time, and truly does love her, but if he wanted that role he has to do more than love her and watch her, she was sleeping on a mattress on the floor, and he needs to pay his phone bill on time, i dont ask for money from him, i dont ask for anything other than he clean his place, and provide a stable place for my daughter when she is visiting. im so tired of arguing with people. its common sense shit. but i lack the tact or will to impose my boundries upon them because they do not understand them. this should not matter to me whether or not they understand. now im in a new relationship in a new place, with an awesome guy, but my inability to set and enforce my boundries is causing a problem. he doesnt like drama, he doesnt like seeing me upset, and the only reason i am truly upset is my own fault because i lack the initiative to confirm and enforce my boundries. when confronted with a situation i turn inward, wondering why what is common sense to me, seems so far fetched for them. simple things such as my daughter does not need to sleep on a mattress on a floor and you dont curse me out in front of her. simple. I no longer use someone as a mirror to myself, but in this new relationship i find myself more motivated to be who i am and who i want to be, because sometimes i am the driver, and sometimes he is. and we meet in the middle so i am not exhausted either because i am the only one driving, or because im made to sit in the back seat. i want to be myself again, or at least learn to be the person i always knew i could be.

Dracona, I don't know your history well - it sounds like you are dealing with so much angst in your family, but just one or two things I'd like to comment on.

Regarding the boundaries - have you read "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud/John Townsend? I am busy reading it know and it clarifies so much about boundaries. I am in the beginning stage of having to set boundaries and I have not even begun to do so. It is EXTREMELY difficult! All the years of not saying NO has built up into a raging fire in me, and yet I still find it difficult to confront violations against my person or well-being. So I understand your difficulty, it is hard. According to the book, the beginning stages generate a lot of anger because we're so used to the anger surfacing when boundaries are violated. Once we are used to standing up for ourselves we will no longer need the anger - it will dissipate.
Just some thoughts about the boundaries.

Also - your words: "..but in this new relationship i find myself more motivated to be who i am and who i want to be" - this is SO amazing, Dracona. I can only think that it is going to take TIME for all of us to get used to a good man. The N experience tears at our souls and it is not going to be an overnight shift. I would think that the more time you are in this relationship, the more you will see and revel in the goodness of it. I honestly hope for you that this relationship quickens your healing and that you find release from the past.

Peace and Strength to you.

((HUGS))

XXR

thank you Rivanta, and yes,i know all about the anger. it surfaces even when i think someone may be thinking about violating boudnries, i have become extremely passive aggressive.i guess without even knowing it, i snap at him, when he is just trying to help me or clarify a subject, because my patience and temper have become that thin, but most of the time it is unwarranted. he told me that if it continued he couldnt handle it anymore, because he just wants me to be happy, and he doesnt want to be with an unhappy person, because it makes him unhappy, that he would do his best to stand by me, but that if i couldnt get a handle on snapping at him then he would have to go. so i need to get control of this, not just for him, but for myself because i really am tired of being constantly irritated or on edge and ready to fight at any moment if someone crosses me.

as far as getting a good man goes, i call this a fluke LOL. he was a man who loves too much, and well, im a wwltm, and usually the two dont attract at all. but somehow it happened, and here we are, which is why he is so understanding about my anger issues, but he keeps reminding me, that he made a promise to himself, that meant no more, this stops now, no more drama, only peace. and i made the same promise, so we have to work together to meet in the middle on that one. its not easy. but i dont think it could have happened for me any other way. i went against everything i had taught myself... i left a relationship with a very very nice man, but he was also very dirty around the house, and never paid a bill on time, and had no motivation to do anything other than he was doing. i started school. i felt enclosed and trapped, knowing that if i ever wanted a house, a yard, my ranch, anything, that it would be up to me to get it, and take him with me. dont get me wrong, i love him to death, he stepped in and took care of my daughter like she was his own. and he is a very nice man, and very smart, but he just wouldnt use it.
i was very tired of it. i met my new man in college.. i called to talk to him about a paper due and we talked for hours, and it has been that way ever since. i moved in with him quickly, probably the stupidest thing i had ever done after what i had been through, but i made a move on blind faith i guess... jumped in with both feet and this is where i landed. i knew either way i would be ok, and i made a vow i would only do this once. so far its alright. i think the relationship is part of my healing, but i dont think it can quicken it. only i can do that. the relationship so far is wonderful. but even more wonderful is me feeling myself... and knowing i made this choice. however i do have trouble with that too... choices. maybe ill start another thread about that, cause i think we all have problems making them afraid of the consequence, and that goes hand in hand with the boundries issue. i still feel bad for leaving the other one. i still care about him. i feel like i took his life away, and i have to keep reminding myself, that he had the chance to keep me, that he had the chance to make me stay, that he could have, at any time, gotten up off his ass and made an effort to prove to me that we could progress together. he waited till after i left to try, and even then his efforts were short lived. he is doing better now, but not so much. im so glad i dont have to be in a mess every day anymore.

You will find what you long for when you dont expect it, and when you are healed enough to not look for it.