Hey there all, im going through a very huge milestone in my recovery into being a whole and happy person....
i am going through my first normal break up. its incredibly hard as he has been a father to my daughter since birth. there are so many reasons to end this, because we are just different people, and ultimately, i am not happy. we are in different places in life, going different places, different goals, or i should say i have goals and he has none. he is a very nice person. it hurts to think that it just doesnt work. i want to stay, stay in my comfort zone, away from the unknown. but i cant. im doing this for me, and im doing this for my daughter, how can i ever teach her to find her own happiness if i cant leave to go find mine? in the midst of this all, my 2 year old is having major behaviour problems, she has always had aggression issues, and it has just gone from extreme to severe. attacking me, and other kids, and tantrums that last for HOURS and i have to hold her down to keep her from hurting herself. i have an appt with the counselor for her on monday. but this is so much stress. school, work, breakup, and my daughter. im so worried. i love her so much, and it kills me. she doesnt get enough attention here on a consistent basis, and i am trying to go to school for a better life for us.
He doesnt understand, he thinks it is normal two year old behaviour, but it is so much more on the extreme side. i can handle 20 minute tantrums, but when its consistent, every day, for HOURS or more, there is a problem, and she shouldnt be trying to attack me, not like that. nothing helps, time outs, i even tried to spank her once, it just continues until she is so worn out she cant move, then she sleeps. its not right.
i dont know how im going to do this. i already have my mind made up to leave, but im scared. how do i afford this all and stay in school? how do i take her away from daddy? he still wants to be in her life, and honestly i think its more of my complex than hers, as when we broke up the first time she didnt ask for him once, and was well behaved while we were couch surfing, because she got to spend time with mommy. i just dont know what to do. i guess i just need some reassurance. i know ultimately im making the right choice. he never wants any more kids, and well, i do, and while im not in a rush, im not getting any younger either. and if i am ever to buy a house, well, then it will be on me, as his credit is horrible and he has no intentions of fixing it. he has no ambitions or goals. he cant keep up with anything, and he cant keep up with me. i love him, but love isnt enough anymore. i want to be totally attracted to someone again. and i have met someone, who makes me feel good about myself. this is just hard. ive never had a break up that just "didnt work"
it was always dramatic and tramatizing, horrible things, you all know, cheating, lying, abandonment, abuse.
this time it just isnt working. and well my brain is having trouble wrapping itself around it. keeps asking why why why isnt it working. there has to be a reason. i feel guilty for not being happy, like i am ungrateful for what i have, that i have a man who loves me and wont do those awful things to me. that i should accept it and not go searching for more, cause more doesnt exist. but i know it does. i know there is someone out there who would rather spend time with me and my daughter than a video game at any second of the day. who will clean up after themselves consistently, and help me out and understand when i am tired, where i dont have to worry about finances, and can let go without feeling like the world will fall apart. i just want to come home to someone, who is visibly happy to see me come home. and who will talk to me, an actual conversation, not inturrupted by video games or tv, and actually listen to me. i feel guilty for wanting that. why?