I registered for college, and had my first class today. im actually very worried, i can feel that dark depression trying to creep up on me, the one that takes over, im trying to just breathe. i HAVE to do this. i have to.
Everytime i feel a tinge of exitement or pride that feeling of loathing and darkness creep up on me. but im doing it. it tried to sabotage me so many times so far, i did my paperwork late, i registered ON THE DAY the class begain, Ive given in to old habits and gone gambling and lost my money "cushion" worked, found a way to make it back, just enough back to be able to go to school, then lost it again... then somehow am still figuring it out.
It keeps trying to take over, i cant say for sure it wont. I feel depressed and very unmotivated right now when i should feel great and focus. Im trying to push forward. I did though, in class, feel my brain kicking in gear, starting to work, to think of vocabulary for my essays and future tests and being ahead of my homework.
i do like that feeling. I nearly have a photographic short term memory for tests and learning. ive never had to study as long as anyone else if i put myself to it, or do as much work, it just falls into place for me.
i am constantly thinking of at least 5 different things at once. at least, from dogs to my past, to my future, to daydreaming and thinking about getting my nails done to whats for dinner. it never stops, my mind never stops. I hardly ever even sleep, at least now, part of that "space" is being taken by that. i can read something, and study it later in my head while im doing something else. but why do i feel so... grey and blah?
I hope I dont mess this all up. I hope i dont freeze. and i cant even go to counseling this week cause of class.
but i started something at least, something i have talked about starting for years.