Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
The anxiety is horrible. ever since my ex, it seem im on edge about so many things. Everything has to be my way now, and it sets me off if its not, because i feel out of control, and unsafe. My chest gets tight and i cant just relax. my brain is constantly going. and the other day i LOST my wallet. with my daughters military medical ID in it. and HE has to be contacted. its simple, it should be, except everything with him is a fight now. a horrible fight.
the base lady is contacting him for me. my chest hurts, my back is tense. i feel like screaming. i went looking for his social, cause they need it, since im a wierd situation because we were never married. im really not ok.
but i ran into some old emails i saved. i saved them only to prove to anyone who doubted that he acted like he cared. to prove that i didnt trap him into a relationship to have a baby and get child support. who the hell wants a kid for money? yeah, i like staying up all night, losing work from her being sick, not bein able to do anything.
i do that for her, not for money, and if so, we should get paid a hell of alot more.
but anyway, i opened an e mail hoping i had saved his social in one of them. and it just hurt. where he cared about me, talking about the baby, the first one i lost. why is this so hard for me? im over him, i have no emotions for him now except anger really. but he CHANGED my life. he CHANGED my view on the world.
he KILLED my faith in people, and he damaged my faith in myself. and someday my beautiful daughter will ask about him, or he will come around bearing gifts, and being sweet to her, trying to make up for the time he lost, because he wanted to go with his girlfriend without a baby, or even visitations.
ugh. im kinda upset right now.
the base lady is contacting him for me. my chest hurts, my back is tense. i feel like screaming. i went looking for his social, cause they need it, since im a wierd situation because we were never married. im really not ok.
but i ran into some old emails i saved. i saved them only to prove to anyone who doubted that he acted like he cared. to prove that i didnt trap him into a relationship to have a baby and get child support. who the hell wants a kid for money? yeah, i like staying up all night, losing work from her being sick, not bein able to do anything.
i do that for her, not for money, and if so, we should get paid a hell of alot more.
but anyway, i opened an e mail hoping i had saved his social in one of them. and it just hurt. where he cared about me, talking about the baby, the first one i lost. why is this so hard for me? im over him, i have no emotions for him now except anger really. but he CHANGED my life. he CHANGED my view on the world.
he KILLED my faith in people, and he damaged my faith in myself. and someday my beautiful daughter will ask about him, or he will come around bearing gifts, and being sweet to her, trying to make up for the time he lost, because he wanted to go with his girlfriend without a baby, or even visitations.
ugh. im kinda upset right now.
I know exactly how you feel. Strange because I've literally had to tell my friends about my lack of patience for things like follow through and communication and that it's not always the infraction but how I now feel about it after everything I've been through. I have zero patience for people who stand me up, who dont call to let me know they're not showing up. I get so angry about the disrespect and honor for my time and feelings. I'm super sensitive to those things especially because they make me feel unworthy and not good enough to even get a text or phone call when someone is not going to follow through on things. Not so much what they're doing but how I feeling it. I wonder if I'll ever find THAT peace again.
My XN has been back in the picture as a "friend". His words. I'm very guarded but it's allowed me to calmly gleen information from him that gives me validation which has helped me alot. I do NOT have patience for his bullshit and trust me he did not grow up or change but I am changing and I can tell by the way I deal with him. He still tries to pull crap but I stand up for myself, say exactly how I'm really feeling. If he doesnt like it, oh well. He's not my boyfriend but this odd little person I spend some time with. I honestly did not know how to make the pain stop and he of course would not validate my feelings or my pain after every angry breakup. I guess you could say I'm being sneaky but I feel like I need things for my closure, things from him. I will engage him in conversation, take the tidbit I know I've been waiting years to hear from him and drop it, calmly. Then smile because I know I got what I've been wanting. I don't know how everyone else heals. I know that I always, everytime we broke up, felt like I was going to die for weeks. D&D'd every time. I needed this, for me. Not saying he wont hurt me but he cant like he has before. I do have a box around my heart. Now when he behaves badly and of course he does, I walk away, I do not mad text, I tell him he's a jerk and he actually apologizes to me. I dont have the answers but I know what it's like to no longer behave like a sane person. How things make you feel crazy and on edge and how hard it is to put some sense of normal back in your world. Hugs, I hope you start feeling better.