Oh that sounds beautiful to me.... calm. safe. trusting!!!!!!!!

I've heard that it's not what you do during the intense hectic times that determine the quality of your life, but rather what you do during the boring, humdrum days.......

Just food for thought!!!!

its strange how hard it is though... because i feel guilty and like im missing something because there isnt that intensity...

I know exactly what you are talking about - this is something I am really looking at right now.
My partner of 8 years never missed a beat, loving and supportive and totally there for me. It often felt like there was something wrong with it, something 'not enough'. I left him last October for the kind of man I was dreaming about, intense and exciting and with several symptomatic displays of being a narc. I was either in agony or ecstasy for whole time I was seeing him (more frequently agony, naturally).
Now I feel burnt out and confused about what I want. And deeply questioning my inability to just allow the loving man to provide the support that makes me peaceful and happy. The fact that he is 20 years older doesn't help as that is something that troubles my mind.
Thanks for listening, just where I am at right now.

I wish I could stop craving the Narc, I think and long to just talk to him on the phone, or have one more night with him. I am ashamed that I keep reaching out to him (he doesn't want to be with me anymore after I continually questioned him about his behaviour when we were together).

I know exactly what you are talking about - this is something I am really looking at right now.
My partner of 8 years never missed a beat, loving and supportive and totally there for me. It often felt like there was something wrong with it, something 'not enough'. I left him last October for the kind of man I was dreaming about, intense and exciting and with several symptomatic displays of being a narc. I was either in agony or ecstasy for whole time I was seeing him (more frequently agony, naturally).
Now I feel burnt out and confused about what I want. And deeply questioning my inability to just allow the loving man to provide the support that makes me peaceful and happy. The fact that he is 20 years older doesn't help as that is something that troubles my mind.
Thanks for listening, just where I am at right now.

I wish I could stop craving the Narc, I think and long to just talk to him on the phone, or have one more night with him. I am ashamed that I keep reaching out to him (he doesn't want to be with me anymore after I continually questioned him about his behaviour when we were together).

yup.... i know just where i would go, and just what would happen if i wasnt with my guy right now. and it wouldnt be pretty. and i shouldnt feel guilty. because there will always be something missing... its just how we are.

This post really hit home. I feel so much hesitation about dating or getting involved in relationships for this very reason. I know how addicted to the disfunction I have been, and although I'm working to change it, I am afraid that a normal, healthy man will not illicit the passion I want to feel. The idea of just feeling truly safe and supported by someone still seems so foreign. I hope that when the time comes, I will be ready and willing to open my heart even if there isn't a bonfire, just a nice steady glow!

LOL!! That is such an awesome heartfelt email and thank you for writing it with the langauge of the heart. I know about that deep pain and the places you hurt that you've never thought you had. Feeling as insignificant as you possibly can. I know that feeling. When this guy left me after writing him for 8 years in prison I thought I would die from that pain. Instead I was able to discover me more. It has been a hell of a journey and today I won't beat myself up for past actions. I am looking forward to new beginnings. Onward and Upward is what I say. Good fo you sounds like more growth for you.

Lorraine

I met this 80+ year old woman who lost her husband, and she said that they were dance partners and there were tears in her eyes, and he had died a long time ago. What it meant to me was the excitement came from being together and doing what she loved to do-in her case dance. Most of my ex-men had been workaholics
and although I was crazy (in some ways insane, lol,) about them, I never had what she had and I want that so much!!!

Wow Dracona's post hits home for me and I'm so glad she wrote. This is stuff one thinks about in the dark recesses of the mind but doesn't speak of to anyone. I have a guy in my life who is very loving to me. He tells me how wonderful I am, how he wants a life with me, how he wants to support me and love me. He asks me to lean on him. He wants to help me in all areas (even clean my house and help me move). He is very protective (he's a cop), very financially stable and has great character. Yet, I keep wondering if I can ever love him. I don't feel that intense passion that I felt with my loser XN who treated me so badly. With the new guy I don't put make on, keep my hair in a ponytail, and don't shave my legs. With the XN, I dressed to the nine's at all times. The new guy seems to adore me. The XN chastised me for not reading more literature, watching better movies, or t.v. The new guy says he doesn't want me to ever feel alone and lonely. The XN ridiculed me for not being alone enough. The new guy has brought me dinner or taken me out all week. I romanced the XN and I courted the XN with dinners, trips, and gifts. I could go on all day with the foils.

Perhaps the "love" I felt with the XN wasn't love for the XN at all. May be it was simply my obsession with conquering the emotionally unavailable man. May be it was love of challenge rather than love the guy. Yes, I did a lot for him. But were my reasons honest? Did I bring him to the Dr. and pay for his medications and Dr. visits because I sincerely wanted to out of genuine concern, or because I was trying to show him what "real" love was? Was I doing all that for him or me? For whose gratification? I read that part of co-dependence is control. May be I did so much out of control rather than love.