Wow, this is hard one. I recently did a relationship history as part of an exercise in a book and I discussed a guy that I was engaged to and lived with for 8 years and who was practically perfect. Here is a quick synposis:

Age 28: I met my 4th engagement. We were engaged within 21 days of meeting each other. This guy was a super sweet, super successful guy. He was a complete romance addict and treated me like a queen. I could go on and on about the romantic gestures he bestowed upon me. Constant cards and one dozen roses on my desk every single Friday. Our first Valentines day, he sent a quartet to my office to sing me love songs. Limos and constant attention.

After 1 year together, we bought our dream house and he paid off all of my credit card bills. On our 5th anniversary, he sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers to my office, took me to my favorite French restaurant and bought me a beautiful piece of expensive jewelry. None of this meant anything to me. I was no longer in love with him, but primarily stayed in the relationship because I did not want to hurt him. I remember thinking: some women spend their entire lives and do not get treated like this, but for me, it is completely empty.

As Robin Norwood predicts in her book, I lost all passion within the security of this relationship. I never wanted to get married because I was unsure the relationship would last and I did not want to be divorced twice before I was 40 years old. I simply lost all desire for this man that many people would consider a dream. After 8 years together, we made the decision to amicably split. I was scared again to be alone, but I felt like I was more lonely within the relationship then alone.

I do not have any children, but this was such a good guy that he offered to let my 15 year old stepdaughter from my first marriage come and live with us when she was having problems at home. But the thing is that I was NEVER attracted to him. Not from the first time I we slept together (on our 5th date). I loved the way he treated me, I loved all the attention, and I allowed myself to get swept up in all of that, but I was never HOT for him. After a while, he could tell and it would really bother him. And unfortunatley I am not good at pretending.

The guy I was engaged to before Mr. Romance addict was also a good guy. He was super cute with a great build and I was super attracted to him and we had great sex even though he was a really good guy and none of the drama of the EX that drove me to this board. So I think you can have great sex with a good guy, but you have to be attracted to the good guy.

So, I am going to wait for the entire package. I am going to wait for a really good guy that also sexually excites me. I think it can happen, it will happen. I am currently on a 1 year relationship break, so it is not going to happen anytime soon, but I personally would rather be alone then be with someone that is not my emotional, physical, mental and spiritual equal.

I am not suggesting that this is not the guy for you, you will have to decide if all of the good makes up for that one lack.

Hi, yes a difficult one, as I know that I am not going to have the type of sex I used to have when I do begin a "healthy" relationship.
In the past I actually did date a few nice guys, but left them as there was not that buzz there - now I know why I feel like this.
This man obviously sounds like he is a decent man to you and your daughter, you are still healing from your past but you obviously feel that this guy is special in some way to make a comittment to him and for him to be involved with your daughter.
Maybe we just have to accept that the sex will never be how it was with the emotionally unavailable men?
Maybe it comes down to deciding between a lifetime of loving too much, pain, fustration, drama etc or a loving relationship with just ok sex. At the moment I am ready to accept the latter.

Is there anything you can do to spice it up? Can you be open with him in a loving way and tell him what you like? I would suggest massages etc... have you seen those love checks and sex card playing decks you can get in gift shops? Might be interesting way to open his mind up a bit....

Good luck, if you really love this guy and see him as a lifetime companion then do try to work on it, it will probably bring you closer together and increase your intimacy.
Looks/weight isn't everything but I know that attraction is important, but there is obviously something you find attractive even if it is just his personality and how he treats you.
Remember we are all learning to love a new way, so try to view this as an experiment/test on your path to healing. Even if you are not with this guy forever, you will probably learn a lot about loving and intimacy with this issue you have.
xx

thanks...
one im afraid of "wasting time", unfortunately. and this emotion is overbearing at times, because i feel like i have already wasted so much time on undeserving partners, and the last relationship, really really, warped my sense of reality. i started this path, this group... these types of groups... before my ex.
when he came around.... nice guy, accepting, reliable. good job. goals. but just immature. i kept telling myself that he would grow up someday. and that i cant have "perfect" cause i trained myself that "perfect doesnt exist" i told myself he was good for me... and forced myself to accept that. and for a long time he was. i let him in, let him in on my struggles, gave him access to all my journals, so he would know what i am going through, what im trying to change. i had pushed at him, i had picked at him. i told him to get the hell out of my house on more than one occasion, i was mean. but he kept coming back, and finally then i let him in, let him into my life and journals and thoughts and intermost feelings.
and when i needed him most, he abandoned me, and invalidated everything i felt for him. because i did grow to love him, and rely on him to be there for me. turns out he was a flake, incapable of true feelings, so he just acted them out. here one moment. gone the next. he left me pregnant, and sick, and unable to care for myself, with nowhere to go. i learned something though, i was sick then... and well, if he had been a healthy nice guy, he would have left me and my depression and woes alone. my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil. there are no prince charmings. if you are down and depressed, just cause someone says that they see that wonderful person inside of you, it isnt true if you cant see her in yourself first. so now, here i am, a year and a half later, with a beautiful baby girl, and a loving man.
and i cant seem to have sex with him?

and i know change takes time, cause this is change for the both of us. he has never lived with, or been with a serious relationship before, because he dont make commitments until he is sure of them as he can be. he knows what he wants. but i think part of the attractive factor isnt just because he is fat. i think its partly in the way he conducts himself. he is the WORST dresser ive ever been with. ... lol. it shouldnt matter really,
but gym shorts and unmatching T shirt everyday? and dress shoes or whatever is available? i dont mind sometimes, but always? even if we go out? and he isnt always motivated to do things, he is in fact, a couch potato. which is fine sometimes, but i dont want to always be the instigator in getting up and out.
once he told me we were starting to run, and took me out twice, and it felt good and made me feel better about him that he was doing something, and i didnt feel like i had to nag or like i was trying to make him change. and the only reason i nag at him in the first place, is because i told him in the first place, that the weight bothered me, it took me months, to be able to look at him in a romantic way because of the weight, and only then because he was the only one, who didnt leave my bedside when i gave birth, as just a friend. we laugh together, and when we argue, which is never a big arugument, he apologizes and explains how he feels. im just in a point in my life where i need things to happen, and i have to make them happen, especially financially. i screwed my stuff up by gambling, and then got pregnant and had no hope to fix it then so i filed bankruptcy. i think that if i saw him doing more stuff, like being motivated, or paying off his stuff, or even sitting down and making a plan then it would feel better for me, cause i wouldnt feel like he was such a lazy ass. and waking up, sitting around for a few hours watching tv.... eating.... then going to the store, or out or wherever, in mismatched clothes with a stain on it, ive seen corner street beggars dress better, then coming home eating dinner, and watching tv or playing a game doesnt really do it for me.
i mean sometimes thats alright. but i would like him to be the one to say, hey, lets do this, or lets make a plan to get things taken care of, lets save up and go out of town for a day, would be great. but i dont feel that it will happen if i dont plan it, and save for it, and well... bother him about it. we wanted to plan a trip to vegas or just out of town for a weekend, in october. that was 6 months ago. and i had it planned where we would be able to do it if we both saved. well in the least, i lost interest when i was the only one doing it really. his things are just thoughts.... he has a very optimistic attitude.... as in "things will just work out" and he is comfortable and happy wherever , or however he is. and after my life, and especially being a wwltm...
to me you have to make things work, you have to have a solid plan, so the world dont come crashing down on you. wow this is long.... but i think thats why i have so much trouble being attracted to him.
i mean he is comfortable to lean on, he is squishy. also im not happy with my weight right now... and looking at him sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable about myself, and if he is not motivated, its harder for me to get motivated, because i like to do things with a partner when it comes to that, and i would feel self consious if i was in shape and he wasnt.
any of that make sense without me sounding like a complete ass??

hi, yes makes sense, he sounds like a nice guy, a good friend but sounds like there are too many differences to make this work in the long term. It might be ok for right now but not the future, listen to your intution. Sounds like you have very different energies in your approach to things.
Be interesting to see what the other ladies think.
Regards x

Dracona,

Per your: and when i needed him most, he abandoned me, and invalidated everything i felt for him. because i did grow to love him, and rely on him to be there for me. turns out he was a flake, incapable of true feelings, so he just acted them out. here one moment. gone the next.

This sounds like the typical Narcissist move: Devalue and Discard. Of course it is our desperate need for validation that leads us to be easy prey these types.

Regardless, your current guy sounds SO MUCH like my 'good guy' ex that if he wasn't already married to someone else I would swear you were dating him!!!

My good guy ex was also a horrible dresser and he was a trail attorney. He dressed so badly that I actually hired an image consultant to come talk to him about how important it was to present a successful image in court (of course me trying to control and change). He simply would not listen and continued to dress inappropriately personally and professionally. And I hate to be so horribly superficial but it does affect how you respond to them.

Good guy ex also had a weight problem, and did not like to be active. I also had/have my own weight issues and although I always want to take responsibility for my own behavior, it really does make a difference when you are with an active guy that likes to go play tennis or take a walk rather then sit on the couch or go to a fabulous Indian buffet!!!

And the financial thing with mine was also similiar, even though my good guy ex made a tremendous amount of money However, he was not consistent about paying his bills. It was one of the reasons that I was so hesitant about marrying him and having children with him (which he wanted). I did not feel like I could 'trust' him financially. If ever I have not paid a bill, it is because I did not have the money. He would have thousands of dollars in the bank and have his car insurance cancelled because he was not discplined about paying his bills. This made me feel insecure and that I could not trust him completley.

So I do not think you are being an ass. I think that you have a kind, good man in your life, but also one that is lacking in several key areas. That will be up to you to decide if all of the good outweighs the things that you do not like.

For me, after 8 years, the simply being a great guy with a heart of gold, was not enough for me. The complete lack of desire and incompatible energy levels took their toll. And even after the heart shattering experience with narcissistic sex addict, I do not regret leaving the good guy. We had a good run together, I know what is liked to be truly cherished by another human being, but being with him left me empty and cold. At least when you are alone, you have hope. I felt like I was compromising every day of my life for the 'he will never hurt me' factor instead of truly living life. Sooner or later you will figure out what is best for you and your child. Good luck!

lol. im not left feeling empty or cold. and i have a security here, which is something i crave, some kind of stability. my stability in him is that he wont lie to me, its just not who he is, even before dating. ive seen him in situations most people would lie about, even to themselves, and he just says it as it is. i just wish he would try harder to make himself more attractive to me. I think i am too damaged from other relationships to be with anyone else, i mean when i go into daydreams or just spacey theroes of what could be, i cringe.
i was ready to be entirely single for a LONG time. so maybe even if i wasnt with him i would be wasting time on a romantic level? relationships SCARE me. i HATE getting to know someone. cause sometimes after you spend all that time getting to know someone, you realize it was all a lie? and how many times can you truly tell someone you love them, before you can no longer truly love? i feel devalued in that sense. cause when i say i love you, i feel like chicken little, or the boy who cried wolf.....
i said it too many times. and i want another baby. not now, but in a couple years. i want to be pregnant, and be loved, and hugged and touched and talked to. everythign that was robbed from me from a time in my life that was suposed to be incredibly special. it wasnt an accident. we planned her.
but there is another thing me and my current bf share views on. religion. and that actually plays a HUGE factor in relationships, cause when things get tough, thats what people turn to for answers.
and well, im not christian and i often get blamed for it when it goes bad, cause god is punishing them for being with a non christian. so at least i dont have to deal with that either. i guess ill just have to wait and see what happens really.

yes, maybe he is just right for right now, who knows, just try not to look to future and take it day by day, your intution will guide you.