Life stories are long, so bear with me : )

I come from a severely dysfunctional home, my mother used love as a tool to get what she wanted from you, and she constantly fought with my step dad and blamed it on me. she would tell me many times she didnt want me, that she should have aborted me, so on so forth, the next day she would love me and buy me something or take me out to ice cream, and later ask me to do some herendous chore and say i owed her, because of the "affection" she had just given me. This went on and on for years. she would also use my grandmother against me. who loved me and treated me well, and sometimes hit me when i cried when i was leaving my grandma, not to see her til next summer. jealous cause i loved my grandma, and she returned my love. my grandma would protect me against my mom when she was around, and when she passed, all hell broke loose.
My journey as a WWLTM started with the first BF i ever had. this may sound funny, but i was only 14, iimmediately latched onto him, with "fairy tale" dreams of love and devotion. I would call him constantly, and was hurt when he didnt answer. when he broke up with me, i was crushed. later on a year or so later, there was another, it lasted 7 months, after i went into foster care and all(which my mom put me there to show me what the real world was like). and same thing basically. by then i was starting to create the drauma so i would have something to fix. when i was 16 i was given back to my mom, in spite of my testimonies that she was unfit.
Her and my stepdad were divorcing and i wanted to go with him. i ran until they let me go.
i began dating this guy, a rebound as you call it from a prior BF, we were just hangin out, talkin.
He began to follow me around, then hit me. hiding in bushes watching my house, holding a knife to my throat type stuff. he would pass out, and go to the hospital and tell me he was dying, that the doctors said he only had so long to live. so i made excuses for him hitting me. he would sneak in my room, make me do things. he would threaten my family. it got to the point where i would sneak out to go see him, just so he wouldnt come to MY place. when i told my step dad of all this he says it was my fault, and my responsibility to go get a restraining order. he didnt understand that i needed his help more than ever, that a restraining order wouldnt work, cause this guy was guatemalan, and had like 3 names. and that i was scared. i needed a PARENT.
the messed up part was, i felt like i loved this guy, this guy who beat me, called me fat, called me names. snuck into my room and stole my pictures and wrote on my walls. it was my senior year in high school.
one night he snuck in my room, i was going to kill him stab him anyway, but my dad had taken the knife out of my room that i was keeping there for defense. well when he was done i ran in the house, yelling for my dad.
my dad says, you can sleep on the couch if you want to, and i'll take care of it in the morning. IN THE MORNING??? well he never did. and the next day i packed everything i could in my little car, and left town.
quit school, and moved away on my own. I ended up with a man who started as a roommate.
it ended with me hanging on and hanging on, then him getting involved in drugs, and he hit me. this time i fought back, but still.
next guy was already involved in drugs and jobless, but i made excuses, he was going to be great. we could change the world together.i was 18 at this time enlisted in the army. we broke up as i found someone new to latch on to. this one lasted 3 years, 3 years of him cheating, drinking, calling me names, blaming me for his follies. and there i was the whole time, dying to prove my love to him, ready to slit my wrists in front of him to prove this to him. making excuse after excuse for him. it wasnt till he got locked up in the brig that i finally let him go. I bounced around through relationships a bit. then came kelly. he was 36 to my 23, had lived with his mom his whole life, and i was desparately in love with him. he was my one. im still glad to this day i didnt just run and marry him when he asked me. we moved in together quickly. He told everyone i was the one.
when i looked at him i melted. yadda yadda yadda. well, he was the one who hurt me the most. he never hit me, but he said the most hurtful things to me anyone has ever said. that i Dont deserve to be loved, no one in their right mind would love someone like me, as i was on my knees, professing my undying love to HIM.
but i believed his words, some part of me did, saying he is right!!!
finally i left, and he begged me to come back, and was nice, bought me something, anything. cried. said he was sorry, even told me he was proud of me for leaving him because he was wrong. i didnt go back as much as i wanted to. but i held on to him, and had as much contact with him as i could. but i soon discovered that it didnt take much for him to be flipping me off, calling me crazy. and he soon denied that he had done anything wrong, it was all me, i ruined everything. the last encounter i had with him, he called me names, said F@#$ you and walked out the door, leaving me crying holding a pillow. i was still trying to confess my love to him.
I dated off and on, but nothing could take the place of the heartache. i had a short "bad" relationship. then was done, i took time off, a year or so. i just wasnt interested anymore.
well the first person i got involved with, ended up living with me, i paid rent. we gambled. all kinds of destructive behaviour. but i thought he could be great. made allowances for him, he is only like this cause someone hurt him. i can show him what a real woman is like. LOL> well, we all know where this goes.
needless to say we broke up. ive gotten better at leaving the situations, but not at letting go of the destructiveness, we stayed in contact, although he blamed me for him not having a place to stay.
after this, and my eternal heartache i said, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!! why didnt i see the signs? what made me go after these guys that others wouldnt look twice at? what made me feel this way?? why was it so hard to leave?? I went to the book store and bought a few self help books. women who love to much, which i based this group on, saved me and made me realize what was wrong with me.
i joined an online support group on a different site, met tons of wonderful ladies going through the same thing.
so i decided to start one here. funny thing is, my ex's used to call me a co-dependant !@#$%.
who were they to take advantage of me??
well thats basically my story. now i have a wonderful BF. the nice "boring" type. and its taken alot of work.
i have to learn to love the right way. and it never feels like its enough. i still create drauma sometimes.
our relationship is a little rocky right now. and im scared, cause my past will continually haunt me.