no help for me with this ladies?!

I feel that if I am feeling that I should be listened to and maybe be in 'charge' as Mum, then does this not make me as controlling and arrogant as him?! Am I the controlling one, or just a cow because he makes me feel mean and resentful of his choices because I am opposing him dictating what we do in any way!
Im trying to find some reasonable middle ground here but I keep swinging towards the extreme....

hi sunny, not sure when you posted but i just got here....

you know that would have irqued me too!! it was a power struggle it sounds like. i don't think you were being controlling but once you agreed to go where he wanted to go you kind of accepted the loss. i had the same issues with my ex. i tried to get him to go to new restaurants with me and he never would. well actually only one time that i can think of and he actually liked it which i was surprised he admitted to. from then on we went every tuesday for fish tacos. i was willing to fight tooth and nail to get him to try a new thing with me.

i have that with my kiddos too. they only like certain restaurants and getting them to try something new is challenging. i usually tell them that if they don't like it we can just leave but that i expect them to try new things once in a while. they always like wherever i take them.....

back to my point that when we engage in the power struggle we have to expect to come out the loser. he would get angry and violent and i was so sick to death of abusive men that i ended up getting in his face. it was a very bad time to engage in the power struggle. it always made it worse. (i think i was in fight or flight and i ended up fighting without feeling like i had a choice). when your own abuser tells you not to get in his face when he's violent it's probably a good idea to not do that but i couldn't help it. anyway you get my point??? they always have to have the last word. it takes a rare mood i think for them to give in.

so i think once you were there you had already conceded.

i don't blame you for not wanting to agree to "his" vacation i wouldn't be so quick to call yourself controlling. he is not one to be controlled i'll bet.

why does it bother you so much to think of yourself as bucking his dictatorship???????

Sunny:
This is just my opinion, but it actually seems to me that what you were wanting was COMPROMISE, as in, OK, this is your favorite place to holiday so we shall go, but while there we will visit some new spots. That wouldn't make either of you controlling. Perhaps it is just semantics with you two. You don't seem to have good communication skills. And honestly, you sound awfully insecure about his ex. Who cares if they vacationed there for 20 years if its a nice place to go? It is a special place to him and he wanted to share it with YOU. You need to get over it sister. That being said, he should be willing to share similar things in reverse. Perhaps you both need to seek counseling to work on how you communicate with each other.

I once dated a man who used to work for an airlines so he and his family flew for free. He and his ex wife had been everywhere. He liked to take me to some of his favorite spots. I couldn't have cared less if he had been there with her first. He was with me NOW. It's just a location. His heart was with me whatever town, beach, resort, or wherever we might be. The it didn't diminish how he felt about me. You need to work on your self esteem beautiful lady. I M O

Yeh I get that Dorihh but it makes me feel like Im just slotting in where she left off!
( He has been married three times before me !)

I would prefer to create our own special places together.

...and yeh the self-esteem thing....always an issue!

and yes I have been thinking about the compromise and communication thing, I would love to go to his 'special places' and also find some new ones, that sounds great.

But he will never try new things or anywhere I suggest. Maybe hes just lazy.

I did have it out with him on holiday about ' this isnt a dictatorship it is a relationship and a marriage.'...he sulked and stared at the wall in silence.

He did once ( on our honeymoon) and the whole time I got it in the neck about how we would have had a better time going to where he wanted to go.

but yeh I need to work on my own communication skills.

Thanks for being so honest Sunny. He does sound a bit stubborn or stuck in his ways. I get how you might feel that way but I guess since we aren't 17 they will all have history, eh? And yes it would be nice to also create your own special memories.

Well sunny, this time he chose the destination. Next time, its your turn.

It just seems like he makes even holiday choice a power play... don't blame yourself Sunny. It's good you don't just give in but have your own opinion. It's either about compromise or about letting both of you decide - once him, once you, and not about making it always his way. And even if you are too insecure about his past, it would be nice of him if he could acknowledge it and respect your feelings, and at least was open to other holiday destinations that don't make you so uncomfortable.

Thanks P!
as I am blossoming into the girl I want to be, the one without fear of confrontation or of being alone I am seeing more and more how he tries to control what I do and who I am.

I have talked to him about his control. From his response I see his fear of just letting go, the fear of the unknown if he doesnt control the outcome. The reason he doesnt like new places is because he doesnt like the unexpected, he always likes to know what to expect and finds new things uncomfortable for this reason.

All I want is to find our own special places....there are so many new places to find.

He always thinks he knows best. I am too 'stupid' to know anything.
I feel like a Stepford wife!

So when he told me ' we dont want to have any more tattoos now do we' as I went out with my daughter, of course I had one done. My daughter and I had a tiny MiA on our wrists. We share this name as our middle name and for her eighteenth I promised her to take her for a tattoo! It was such a lovely moment. Silly but was special to me. So there I am, yes one more tiny tattoo!!! ( I have two now)
YAYA!!!
Just this post was about me feeling by bucking his rules I was being as controlling as him.
I want equality and compromise, thats all.
xxx

Power to you! :)))