Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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/ Women who Love too Much Support Group

recovery

anamaria0
anamaria0
Hi everyone, I post here every now and then but I read your posts all the time.
I ended a difficult relationship six months ago, during that time, after I got over him, I have felt peace and contentment, I have tried to follow the advice in the book and it has really helped. A month ago, I went to a singles party and met a guy who showed to be interested from the minute he saw me. He has continuously shown that he likes me, he messages me nearly every day and it seems obvious that he wants to see me more.
Last weekend he stayed at mine for the first time and when we went to bed he could not get an erection, it was the same all that night and the following day, he said that he was nervous. The following day he said that he has been on antidepressants since he was 18 (he is 36 now) and that it causes side effects -sexual dysfuction I assumed. he also said that he has never had a long term relationship.
I feel confused as I am not sure these are red flags or whether these are just problems that can be overcome.

I have co-odependent issues and I now I am at my best when I an single but I wanted to give love another chance.
This weekend he is at his parents out of town and I am feeling the familiar anxiety and obsessive thoughts about him.

I thought I was getting better...
goingup
goingup
You are getting better. The thing I'm realizing over the years is that recovery is a life-long process. Most WWLTM, while healing, will and do end up dating guys who are a no. Also, it seems WWLTM, in recovery or pre-recovery, almost ALL do much better when we are single.

So nothing wrong with dating in recovery, but the key is to do it healthily (keep doing recovery work, participating in forums, getting feedback from others who are not emotionally invested). You are reaching out to get some objective feedback which is a great thing.

The sexual dysfunction is weird to me. Do you think he could be gay? I'm not sure that I'm buying the 'nervousness' thing. We'll see what the other ladies have to say. The lack of a long term relationship is a red flag. That being said I'm not sure if it means you should necessarily not date him. BUT I think be very cautious and do not become emotionally invested until at least several months of dating. You need to wait until his true colors start showing. What is his education level and employment history? If those are solid I would be a bit less wary. We'll see what the other ladies say. I'm on the fence about this guy.

Best wishes. x
LallyG
LallyG
Listen to your gut - what is that saying? Trust yourself...x
shani96
shani96
Actually you really don't know much about this guy right? and yet you had( or tried to) have sex with him.

For me this is MY problem. I jump in too quickly. If I stay away from the sex, then I can stay less emotionally attached. Once I have sex, I am in. All in. The obsession starts.

So my advice for you AND ME, is to not stop seeing him but back off the sex. Get to know him. Get to REALLY know him. Go out with him, talk with him and ask him all kinds of personal stuff. Don't judge the stuff yet, just get as much info on him as you can. I think that once you do that and give it at least 6 months, most of your questions will be answered.

For me I had sex with the BF only 2 weeks after I met him! Then I moved in with him after just 3 months. His true colors came out at 6 months. All the red flags were there, I just could not see them until my vision became clear around the 6 month period. Because of the the rose colored glasses we wear when we first meet someone I personally think it takes until about 6 months to see clearly. Maybe longer. And now I am stuck living with someone I don't like. Not a great situation.
anamaria0
anamaria0
Hi, well I don't know what my gut feeling is telling me as I was constantly being criticised for what I felt and thought when I was growing up so I've lost the ability to know what I feel deep down.

Shanni, it was on the 4th date when he tried to have sex, it was still too soon but for UK standards it was not that bad! I agree with you once sex is in the cards, I become too attached. It is always the same for me, relationships mean anxiety, obsession and suffering.
artgrrl
artgrrl
Anamaria, it is totally plausible that he has difficulty getting an erection because he is on antidepressants. This is a common side effect. Obviously with everyone it is to a different degree, depending on how large a dosage you are on, etc. There's another issue at stake, however, and that is, as women who love too much, we tend to choose men who need help--who are in some way injured or damaged. They aren't ok just the way they are. Then we end up being part of their healing process and it ends up drawing from our energy stores.

We get frustrated because these guys aren't taking our advice, we start keeping close track of them, their recovery becomes our life-goal. In short, we end up being more concerned about their recovery than they are. So that's the only issue I see here. Believe me, I get sucked into this thing all the time. My former bf was on three different psych-related meds and while he was able to get an erection and climax he could only do it by getting a rigorous blowjob by me--sometimes it took an hour. Well, good practice in fellatio, I suppose. Anyway, he couldn't do it by intercourse alone. Now--if that was the only problem, I could have handled it, but there was a reason he was on three different meds, he was crazy. Such is the realm of the men we tend to get involved with.

Good luck,

Artgrrl