(((vicki)))..Many hugs to you. I think this is called a journey because it is very common for us to have those "slips". Please do not be too hard on yourself. Hopefully through your journey you will be able to love yourself and not seek it from an outside source. I am working on this myself so I completely understand where you are coming from. We all make choices and sometimes it just takes us making these choices in order to learn our lesson.

I would also like to add my thanks to you and your son for your commitment and sacrifice.

Much love to you.

The first thing you need to do when you break NC is to FORGIVE yourself. Withdrawal from an addiction is a slow and painful process without beating yourself up when you make a mistake. Apologize to yourself and the forgive yourself. This is a process. We stumble, we fall, we get back up and dust ourselves off and try again. First and foremost, be kind and compassionate with yourself, after all, you give no less to strangers. Much love to you

You did not have the same issues getting over a long marriage because he was probably not pathological. I also did not have the same issues with ending my 8 year marriage and another 8 year live in relationship.

But the end of an 8 month relationship drove me to therapy and total dispair. Remember that No Contact is the only way out of this mess. Just pretend it is horse you fell off of, just like Rayvn stated.

To further explain to Repetitive Compulsion Disorder: scientists have conducted experiments with lab rats proving this condition. A rat is given a button sequence to extract pellets and quickly works out how many times he needs to nose push to receive a meal. The number of pushes may be altered daily and the rat will work out the number required. If, however, the button is changed to random the rat becomes agitated and frenzied. He will repetitively push and push the button scattering pellets all over the floor, and ignore all other distractions in his cage. Why? Because his sense of stability is threatened.

The same occurs in narcissistic relationships. Love partners become hooked to the narcissist because emotional stability is unobtainable. Women go in harder trying to create a set result. This is why poker machines hook people. Women become severely addicted to narcissists, pushing the button all the way to their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bankruptcy. Morbidly and dangerously they become so empty and powerless that they can barely perceive a life without the narcissist, and spiral into a deep dark pit. In essence the victim feels and becomes the annihilating depression that the narcissist avoids by feeding off her energy. He has taken your light and you have become his darkness.

You did not have the same issues getting over a long marriage because he was probably not pathological. I also did not have the same issues with ending my 8 year marriage and another 8 year live in relationship.

But the end of an 8 month relationship drove me to therapy and total dispair. Remember that No Contact is the only way out of this mess. Just pretend it is horse you fell off of, just like Rayvn stated.

To further explain to Repetitive Compulsion Disorder: scientists have conducted experiments with lab rats proving this condition. A rat is given a button sequence to extract pellets and quickly works out how many times he needs to nose push to receive a meal. The number of pushes may be altered daily and the rat will work out the number required. If, however, the button is changed to random the rat becomes agitated and frenzied. He will repetitively push and push the button scattering pellets all over the floor, and ignore all other distractions in his cage. Why? Because his sense of stability is threatened.

The same occurs in narcissistic relationships. Love partners become hooked to the narcissist because emotional stability is unobtainable. Women go in harder trying to create a set result. This is why poker machines hook people. Women become severely addicted to narcissists, pushing the button all the way to their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bankruptcy. Morbidly and dangerously they become so empty and powerless that they can barely perceive a life without the narcissist, and spiral into a deep dark pit. In essence the victim feels and becomes the annihilating depression that the narcissist avoids by feeding off her energy. He has taken your light and you have become his darkness.

Its so true I was married and divorced and got over that ok and then I was widowed and got thru that..being with a pathological....just about took all my sanity..mentally and physically. The cognitive diss we get burrows into us like a blood sucking alien..kind of dramatic but its so intense. It was like being in a Cult.

Ladytruee.....a cult.....yes! That is what it was like, and now we are deprogramming ourselves.

The pain can be so excrutiating. I left my husband of 22 years and hooked up with my xn. Ending stuff with him was far more painful.

Yesterday I was feeling lonely and wanted to contact him. I thought I was gonna die with the knot in my stomach and desire rushing through my veins. Then I consciously made myself think of lots of stuff I've learned and read here, especially the piece about how we WWLTM mistake the anxiety and pain for love. I let myself feel it with the knowledge that it most certainly was not love and that it would pass.

I have started a routine of taking a walk with my dog in the evenings along the river by my house. Walking out in the cold air and feeling my legs move and my lungs breathe, looking out at the lights across the river, hearing the train, looking up at the stars ... I always feel better after I take my walk. But I was feeling so shitty yesterday, and it was so cold outside and I was talking myself out of taking my walk.

But then I was on Facebook, and a dear friend - who was not aware of my shitty mood - posted a song about a river, knowing my walks along the river are special to me. I tied up my boots and put on my coat as I listened, and then gave myself the gift of taking my nightly walk. (Thanks, A!)

And as it always does, my walk put me in a much better and peaceful place.

People here have said how important it is to be good to yourself, and one great way to do that is to come up with a daily routine that you give to yourself every day no matter what.

Love to you, Vicki.

Patty

I also hooked up with mine as I was coming out of a 20 year marriage. We lasted almost a year, and it was and is farrrr, far more painful and hard to break away from then the marriage. I also have weak days where I long for that feelilng of euphoria. Have to remind myself of the bad parts. I take daily walks with my dog and it does really help.