Well, considering I am a caregiver 24/7, I suppose I need to look hard at this one! I don't know that relieving anothers pain relieves mine though....it seems to add to it!
Hugs Julie

So true. Our feeling of self-worth is obtained from doing for others. We need to learn self love.

Dracona: I am in process of ending a 14-year old relationship with a needy man. He has been a sort of friend and definitely a lover--since I'm overweight, I've felt safe with him. He never criticized me about my body. He also never wanted to be faithful to me alone. I thought I could love him out of wanting to be with other women, but of course not. He's a self-admitted sex addict and also alcoholic. I have gone to his house when he treated to kill himself. I have held him as he cried about why his family treated him so badly. I have also reeled when he coldly asked me why I would love someone who didn't love me? Now, there's a good question!

A friend of mine who knows about my present situation of trying to detangle myself from this guy and go towards health spoke about red flags. That we tend to turn them off, even when we see them, with these types. I have certainly done that.

The straw came when he starting telling me that he's seeing a 37-year old single mom of two little girls. He was talking to be like I was a guy friend, instead of someone who has tried to be with him for so long and was at that time, sharing his bed. I sent him a Dear John letter, telling him that she's young and determined and good luck, only to have him come by my place and leave his cell phone number on my answering machine! He doesn't get it. Unfortunately, I live in a town where straight men are a premium, which causes women here to clamor after the straight ones, whether or not they are needy. It's good to have a place to talk about this. I know that many understand.

Hello. I have joined this group because of the slogan BEING IN LOVE DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN BEING IN PAIN. I've been voluntarily celibate and somewhat isolated, working on myself, so that hopefully when I feel strong and steady enough to enter into another relationship, it won't be a repeat of the past. God, I attracted so many alcoholics, you'd think I was offering a reward of $1 million dollars. Or otherwise advertising for them. Sometimes the men were "dry" (recovering alcoholics) but the psychological problems that had driven them to alcoholism were still there, dormant. The last one I would say LOVED ME AS MUCH AS HE COULD LOVE ANYONE. Which ain't saying a whole lot!!

Dracona is on fire she is nailing the last 7yrs of my life and before that.

not just to lessen my pain but to avoid it entirely as well as avoiding seeing those red flags by getting wrapped up in the other. it seems easier to try to make another happy than to try to figure out what makes me happy. much less ask for it.

i journal..so all my red flags were documented in my journal, of the last 10 years of my last relationship. I did not really 'see' them till I was no longer 'in' it. Reading my journals now it is amazing that I stayed as long as I did...from month 1 there was huge RED flags. I guess I just wanted love so much...I need to find that love within me.

Yes oh yes i see them quite clearly now starting almost from the day the relationship ended and as i get better i see more and more of what was wrong that i totally missed at the time.

Wanted to bump this to the front...

yep. how on earth did i not care about the flags waving in my face?
It's not like i see more now, but they are registering in the normal way "harmful! bad for you! get away!"... bit on the late side :)

Balmy,

Better late than never! Seriously.

Just remember, this is about YOU.... how YOU react to men, how YOU react to your feelings, NOT HIS. Shift the focus, and the energy, to loving YOU.

Things will change, I promise.