Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Please help- me stay strong.I am now into my second week of no contact and i particulary had a bad day yesterday where my heart just ached.I felt so sad and used and just could not imagine ever being able to move on from this.He has even gone overseas working but is on the same mobile number and email address.The times i have sat here at night on the verge of ringing him or emailing him.So far i have stayed in control but im more afraid of myself that i will break and lose control and contact him only to be abused and belittled all over again.The worst part is he even has someone else but told me before he left that i have not heard the last from him. Why is he hell bent on destroying me i cannot seem to comprehend how another human being can keep doing this.Please can someone give me some answers cause i feel sometimes that im going insane.
If the N responds though, we perceive it as validation that were living, breathing, human beings. That we do have impact on others even if it hurts us. Even if the N is angry, at least we feel seen and heard and validated. This is the Hook we feel when ending an abusive relationship. If the N had never acknowledged our existence, we wouldnt get hooked emotionally. The hook is called Intermittent Reinforcement. We had ALL the Ns attention, dedication and admiration at one point, so we KNOW its there. If we can just do things RIGHT, well be rewarded with a response of some kind.
The Ns acknowledgment of our existence temporarily fills an inner void that everyone experiences when an important relationship ends.
The problem with thinking we can earn validation (reward) is that were blaming ourselves for doing something WRONG when were NOT validated. We falsely believe that their invalidation is and was our fault.
Invalidation is one of the most painful cruelties human beings can experience. Going No Contact is all about healing yourself. Its not about making the narcissist miss you so much that he acknowledges your existence with a reply. Wondering why or if hell respond is still giving him too much power to validate your existence!
I know this isnt easy and we all do similar things until we get through this painful grieving period. Ending a relationship is excruciating for n-survivors because we think we found the answers to our self-doubt and self-worth when we met the N. Then suddenly, we find out they didnt even see us as human beings. They loved us like people love KitchenAids.
If we had any esteem issues or doubts about our worth and value, the D&D (devalue and discard) intensifies those feelings. It may take years to overcome a dysfunctional childhood after the N awakens fears we may not have known were there. The first step towards healthy self-reclamation is to let the N go his or her merry way and begin a long journey of self-discovery, initiated by our grief. It sounds like youre feeling the loss right now and its probably overwhelming
Even years later, its unfathomable to me how Ns can pick up and move on as if we never even existed. I will never understand it and I dont have to understand it. All I have to do is ACCEPT it.
Remember, the narcissists lack of attachment says NOTHING about you. All it says is that Ns are incapable of emotional attachment to anyone. They are NOT suffering, though. We are. So even in the darkest of times when you dont think you can tolerate another moment of pain, remind yourself how marvelous it is to Feel and Feel Deeply. Even sorrow.
Every second of their lives they are searching and searching and searching. For something to make the pain and hate they feel about themselves go away. But it aint happening. So they go through woman after woman looking for the perfect love. Find it for the first month or so and then discover this woman has feelings of her own, is not perfect, does not think everything they say and do is right, and ooops, time to move on to the next victim.
I also think narcissists are intent on creating the Image of love and desirability for themselves. As long as they can prove they are sexy or attractive or desirable, they can project fault and blame for the failed relationship on their prior partner(s).
Thank the lord you got out of that relationship.
I am dreading when i leave as I know the nc thing will be the hardest of all, I managed 6 weeks once and then he weedled his way back in with promises of marriage,staying together forever etc and now im in a worse situation than ever, but thanks to this group,i recognise what is happening and am making steps,like you did to remove myself from the harm. When you feel the need to contact him, come on here instead!! just remember ,you have lots of friends on here who will help you keep strong. You are doing really well, keep up the good work! :) xx
Make a list of every red flag that you ignored and every time he treated you disrepectfully, you caught him in lies, cheating, etc. Every time you even think about contacting him, emailing, texting. Pull out that list and ask yourself: This is what I miss? THIS?
If you have to, put each and every red flag on a seperate index card and tape them around your bedroom as a constant reminder of the pain of this relationship.
What you had (that you cant possibly miss) is a pathological relationship. What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.