Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Has anyone felt so low and sad that you cannot see a way out. I am struglling every hour of the day. I do not see a future right now in anyway i have never felt so low. Sometimes i want to sleep and never wake up again i cant seem to get out of this dark space. He has no idea what he has done to me whats more probabally wouldnt care.Yet i have so much to be thankful for in so many other ways. Please can anyone tell me that there is a light again oneday.
From the article: The damage they do
For the unlucky women months turn into years as they ride the roller coaster going nowhere. From heart stopping curves to death wish drops they hate the ride but dont know how to get off.
Interestingly no matter how long the women were in the relationship the aftermath symptoms were the same. This means any exposure to pathology is psychologically devastating.
The aftermath severity happens because the pathological uses forms of mind control. It is hard to fathom but the pathologicals goal is to succeed in controlling and destroying a woman not to have a successful relationship with her.
A pathological does devious kinds of acts to try to make his woman think she is having a nervous breakdown or is mentally deficient so she relies on his take of reality. If mind control is psychologically damaging to prisoners of war it is just as damaging to the intimate partners of pathologicals.
Pathologicals will go to great lengths to inflict psychological devastation because they enjoy the process.
He claims that he knows people who get the information for him. This increases her paranoia and fear and adds to the psychopaths mystique. He plays nice guy to make her doubt herself and doubt that theres anything wrong with him.
They will agree to changes and then act as if they never had the conversation about the changes. They will admit behaviors when caught and later deny they admitted them. They will get caught red handed and later deny she ever heard or found out what he did. He will use other accomplices to validate his stories to increase her sensation that she is going crazy. Wealthy pathologicals will financially bribe others to control the outcome of situations that continue to support his mirage of lies.
Women may have PTSD symptoms resulting from mind control and coercion. All of these conditions result from a victims bonding and emotional connection to her captor/abuser. These symptoms are often seen in prisoners of war hostages and cult members.
But she is not an easy woman to take down. Self-control will hold her strong even in the face of these pathological created delusions. Some of the women indicated they stayed far too long trying to figure out what was going on or to go toe to toe with him so he couldnt get something else over on them. Most of the women said they were baffled by the strange dynamics in the relationship and stayed until they had some kind of cognitive understanding of what they had been living through.
As the emotional stress physical and sexual exhaustion are taking their toll her failed reality testing continues. She begins thinking paranormal things are happening around her. The constant ups and downs of the relationship are now eroding this strong womans sense of self-confidence and resourcefulness, just what the pathological intended.
As she starts to psychologically decompensate she experiences the same dynamics that are seen in the Stockholm Syndrome:
She perceives (and has already experienced) a threat to her physical or psychological survival and believes he has the ability to carry out his threats. By now she has already lived months of him carrying out his ability to harm her
Perceived small kindnesses from him to her set the emotional tone for her letting down her guard and seeing him as human or kind again. This also increases her relationship investment and hope in him.
Isolation from outside perspectives other than his. She has already experienced not only isolation from others but the indoctrination of his pathological world view
As she decompensates she is an easier mark for continued manipulation by the pathological. It is uncertain if psychopaths have a natural ability by nature of their pathology to simply unconsciously perpetrate these types of mental set-ups or if the set-ups are systemically planned so that just watching her psychologically melt before his very eyes is a power pump for him. Our guess would be the later.
If pathologicals didnt like the game of manipulation they would consistently choose women who are introverted and who would be a far easier capture than taking on powerful extraverted women. But that is in fact exactly why most (not all) pathologicals choose the powerful extraverted woman. To that end we have to assume that the pathological predator enjoys watching a previously high-functioning woman turn into a reality-doubting exhausted bundle of nerves which he finds pretty erotic.
Sadly some of the pathologicals women only make it out of their torment through suicide. The ultimate power triumph for a psychopath he conquered her spirit and won. He scoops up and moves on to the next woman/victim.
Inevitable Harm: Every woman was harmed
I realized I had been seduced by a con man and I spent months in shock trying to figure out just who he really is.
A relationship with a pathological man is not like any other failed relationship. The women who loved pathologicals are not just bitter women scorned. It is simply not possible to have a relationship with a pathological and not be harmed and damaged to a significant degree.
One woman expressed
It has been over four years since our relationship ended and I still get anxiety attacks at the thought of datingI am still single and have adopted a hermit lifestyle to make sure I never go through anything like this again.
The relationship with a pathological has resulted in many women living out their lives alone without a partner.
The medical side effects of post traumatic stress disorder that many of the women developed from the relationship (as well as other acute stress disorders) will long manifest in her body. Medical side effects that continue on long after the psychopath has left include:
Auto immune disorders
Anxiety
Depression
Substance abuse
Migraines
Digestive disorders
High blood pressure
This relationship has taken a grave physical toll on my body. I have several conditions. I look about 20 years older than I actually am.
Sexual damage
Many of the women experienced sexual damage and negative effects on their sexuality. Having been exposed to deviant sexual practices humiliated about their sexual performance or bodies compared to other women and often sexually harmed
Long term damage
Women who have been in relationships with pathologicals universally experience some sort of acute stress. The acute stress could have evolved into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or other types of stress disorders. The lingering disorders serve as reminders of past pain and are likely to cause the women symptoms for years and maybe for life.
Sandra Brown MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS
Sandra Brown is AMAZING. If anyone is in the United States and can afford to go to her 5 day retreat (which is a VERY reasonably priced) it was one of the BEST things I ever did for myself. No one knows the dynamics of pathological relationship like she does.
If you can't get to the retreats at least read her 2 books: How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Women Who Love Psycopaths. I was really, really hesitant to read WWLP. I thought I am NOT a woman that loves a psycopath. But she explains the relationship dynamics to a T.
REVIEW OF WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS (from Amazon.com)
Based off a case study of seventy-five women, Women Who Love Psychopaths is Sandra Browns latest tome dealing with dangerous men, and how to spot them before they can seriously cause damage. What I really like about WWLP is that it gives us a good look at the women (and by extension anyone) who has a tendency to fall for psychopathic personalities and get ensnared in their pathological machinations. It gives us a plethora of red flags to look for in terms of their behavior, which can be useful in identifying pathological personalities at home, at work, or in our social life.
Some choice quotes on the matter:
Interestingly, this is the only major trait that the psychopaths woman shares with the psychopath--the issue of extraversion and excitement seeking. This is the attraction, the hook-up factor, and the issue upon which their dating relationship was based, the exciting extraverted life they both want to live! If you wondered what the first part of their attraction to each other was: here it is! But there is also more to what attracted her and kept them together.
As wonderful as competitiveness is in regular life, her competitiveness however, is a downfall in the relationship with the psychopath. This is because as the relationship begins to become pathologically-driven and his crazy-making increases instead of running for the hills she is likely to stay and battle it out.
Women who love psychopaths tested very high in relationship investment and positive sociability. These are the kinds of women psychopaths like to target. The psychopath uses positive rewards to establish his patterns of power, control, and dominance in a womans life.
If a woman is ending a previous relationship in which she didnt get much affection, hooking up with a psychopath can feel like she has hit the Affection Lotto! At least in the beginning many psychopaths know that to give affection is to increase her sense of attachment, and her corresponding loyalty. Psychopaths see affection as a way of exerting power and dominance over both the relationship and the emotions of their partners
These cooperation traits are her drawing card to a psychopath. Her over-flowing empathy, tolerance, friendliness, compassion, supportiveness and her moral principles are what balance the lopsided scales of the relationship with him, since he lacks these qualities. This delicate balance helps to camouflage the glaring gaps of the character traits between them. Her cooperativeness helps to smooth out the character he doesnt have and makes the relationship seem more normal. We think that very high cooperativeness is the most significant reason these specific women were targeted. Psychopaths instinctively know that women high in cooperativeness will stay in relationships with them longer.
I could go on, but you get the idea. Friendly, cooperative, empathic, loyal, extraverted, tolerant, well-adjusted women are like a gold-mine, literally, for the psychopath. Hell use her strengths against her in order to keep her right where he wants her, while he drains her bank account, emotional vitality and all of the time their psychological and physiological health suffers as a result.
One of the most interesting traits I discovered during the reading was: ..the women in the survey when given the choice between trusting what the psychopath says he has done/not done/or will do, or trusting what she has caught him actually doing, women who love psychopaths will likely choose the words over the actions.
Now thats pretty scary. Were also given info on how he uses sex as a primer, in order to have her bond with him, chemically:
Sex kick-starts the premature bonding process. The touching and sexual stimulation seals the love bond. The stimulation of the vagina and cervix during sex causes the release of the hormones prolactin and oxytocin. These hormones travel to the bonding centers of the brain and produce an emotional and hormonal attachment to the man. The importance of these hormones in female attachment is these are the exact hormones produced in pregnancy and nursing. They are responsible for a womans ability to bond to babies! The more sex she has with the psychopath, the more these attachment hormones are released, and the more bonded she feels to the psychopath. This isnt merely the cuddling of love making. This is a biochemical process occurring in her body and brain increasing her sense of attachment...but tragically, to a psychopath! These are the hormones of motherhood attachment. Just like motherly love is unconditional, a sexual bond is also unconditional. She will find out just what it will cost her to have this intense unconditional attachment and love bond to a psychopath.
Psychopaths also instinctively know how to induce trance-like states in normal people:
Trance produces perceptual biases. That means if the psychopath is telling her wonderful things and she is euphoric with him, she tends to associate wonderful and euphoric things with the memory of him...even after hes turned into a monster. While in trance, a woman tends to cement what she felt or learned in that state. Thats why its so difficult for women to believe hes a liar, swindler, or cheater because she learned all the wonderful things about him in trance states that have been cemented in her memory.
Its a chilling read. Later the book has discussions of what the women felt while their were with their psychopath, and how it has affected their lives once theyve managed to break away from them. Most interestingly we are given a step by step explanation of the relationship as it progresses from the initial meet and attraction, subsequent bonding and infatuation to the eventual downward spiral into emotional manipulation, psychological (sometimes physical and sexual) abuse, and financial loss.
Overall Women Who Love Psychopaths is a great book, solely for its look into pathological love relationships, how they get started, their downward trend, and the overall affects on the lives of the non-pathological partner. The stories are real, visceral, and sad and should serve to educate all of us on the warning signs, before we too before another victim.
Have I posted this for you before:
WHY YOU ONLY REMEMBER THE GOOD STUFF OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP
PART I
by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Over and over again women are puzzled by their own process in trying to recover from a pathological relationship. What is puzzling is that despite the treatment they received by him, despite the absolute mind screwing he did to her emotions, not only is the attraction still VERY INTENSE but also the POSITIVE memories still remain strong.
Woman after woman says the same thing that when it comes to remaining strong in not contacting him (what we call Starving the Vampire) she struggles to pull up (and maintain the pulled up) negative memories of him and his behavior that could help her keep strong and detached.
But why? Why are the positive memories floating around in her head freely and strongly and yet the bad memories are stuffed in a mind closet full of fuzzy cobwebs that prevent her from actively
reacting to those memories?
There are a couple of reasons of which we will discuss today only the first one. Lets think of your mind like a computer. Memories are stored much like they are stored on a computer. When there is pain and trauma, memories are stored differently then when its a positive memory. Pulling up the negative memories from your hard drive is different than pulling up a memory that is on your desk top as an icon emblem.
Traumatic memories get fragmented on their way to being stored on the hard drive. They get divided up into more than one file. In one file is the emotional feelings, another file is the sights, another file the sounds, another file the physical sensations.
But a WHOLE and complete memory is made up of ALL those files TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME what you emotionally felt, saw, heard, and physically experienced. Not just one piece of it and not just the positive memory of it. A memory is good + bad = complete.
But when things are traumatic, (or stressful) the mind seperates the whole experience into smaller bits and pieces and then stores them seperately in the mind because its less painful that way.
When women try to remind themselves why they should not be with him, they might get flashes of the bad memory but strangely, the emotional feelings are NOT attached to it. They wonder where did the feelings go? They can see the bad event but they dont feel much about what they remember.
If you are playing a movie without the sound, how do you know what the actors are passionately feeling? Its the same thing with this traumatic recall of memories. You might see the video but not hear the pain in the voices. The negative or traumatic memory is divided up into several files and you are only accessing one of the files in a place where you have stored the positive aspects of the relationship.
To complicate things further, positive memories are not stored like negative memories. They are not divided up into other files. They do not need to be they are not traumatic.
So when you remember a time when the relationship was good or cuddly or the early parts of the relationships which are notoriously honeymoonish, the whole memory comes up the emotional feelings, the visual, the auditory, the sensations. You have a WHOLE and STRONG memory with that. Of course that is WAY MORE appealing to have a memory that is not only GOOD but one in which you feel all the powerful aspects of it as well.
Now, close your eyes and pull up a negative memory can you feel the difference? You might see it but not feel it. Or hear it and not see much of it. Or feel a physical sensation of it but not the emotional piece that SHOULD go with the physical sensation. No matter what your experience is of the negative emotion, it is probably fragmented in some way.
Negative and traumatic memories are often incomplete memories they are memory fragments floating all over your computer/mind. They are small files holding tiny bits of info that have fragmented your sense of the whole complete memory. These distorted and broken memory fragments are easily lost in your mind.
If you have grown up in an abusive or alcoholic home, you were already subconsciously trained how to seperate out memories like this. If your abuse was severe enough early on, your mind just automatically does this anyway if you get scared, or someone raises their voice, or you feel fear in anyway your
brain starts breaking down the painful experience so its easier for you to cope with.
Next week we will talk about one other way your mind handles positive and negative memories and why you are flooded with positive recall and blocked from remembering and feeling those negative things hes done to you.
I hope by now with these newsletters you can see the unqiue aspects of what you have lived thru in the pathological relationship and why this is a whole different thing to heal from then other relationships. This is why regular counseling often does not work and forget about reading regular relationship books! They are NOT written for pathologically based dynamics! Imago therapy is not gonna help this. Dr. Phils books arent gonna touch this. The pathological relationship dynamics are UNIQUE and require a combination of several approaches to help you heal. If your parents were pathological as well, you have the double whammy to heal from.
Please do not live your whole life with symptoms that CAN BE treated and helped. We have made our retreats as cheap as we possibly can so that each of you can receive help and healing.