It has taken many months of introspection to finally understand something that is essential for my healing. I wanted to share it with you in hopes that it may help you but I recognize that each of us must come to our own recognition in our own time. I have been trying for some weeks now to pin down the part of me that keeps me tied to the desire for a certain XN. I kept asking myself "why"? Why do I want someone who is so wrong for me? This morning, out on the porch, with my morning coffee the question came to me yet again. But today, March 24, 2012. a landmark day for me, a lightning bolt struck my psyche and I now have my answer. Some of you may already have come to this same answer but today was my day of realization. I needed him to need me. I need SOME man to need me....any man...it doesn't matter too much who it is. Just some man. And when XN came to me, he most definitely needed me. Desparately needed me would be accurate. I have, over the course of many weeks gone over and mentally eliminated all the reasons I could possibly want him back, knowing what I do now. What is there about him that was so wonderful? What specifically did I remember as being that wonderful that I was so willing to put up with his shit? Ok he was a pretty good lover, but I sensed along the way that most of it was an act that he put on because he needed something much more than sex. What he needed was a mother, not a lover...He was still trying to find a replacement for that mother who never acted motherly. And me? Well I was a female who has grown children, post menopausal and I'm probably needing to feel "motherly" again. I kept going back to a moment when I felt a real connection to him and it was early in our relationship, one evening on my sofa, he telling me about his life and his day and me hearing the lonliness in his voice until I reached out my open arms and he crawled into them and clung to me like a lost little boy. I can still remember what I was feeling...vividly. That memory is what I identify with him...not the sexual moments, not our times spent socializing or enjoying a movie or whatever but that hour or so that he stayed in my arms while I stroked his hair and kissed his ears. I felt needed. More needed than I have felt since my own children were young and needed me to hold them. Now, make no mistake. I know this isn't a revelation to all the therapists out there. But I have never felt that needed by a man before. It triggers some powerful emotions. It is those feeling that I recall so intensely that keep me tied to him in my soul. He has moved on. Once I started being a replacement mother in other ways, questioning and critiquing his behavior in other ways, he was gone. Within three months he had found a "new mommy". I'm told she is one who does not question his behavior or treatment of her. So be it. He has settled for whatever he could get. I must heal and I am determind that I will but somehow I sense that this true realization is key to my healing. Thank you for being here, my sisters. Love to all.